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Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 19/04/2022 11:10

@HaggisBurger
Perhaps it was just the phrase “pluck up the courage”, that sounded a bit odd to me, Personally I don’t see an issue with a man not initiating sex every time and the woman taking the lead, ( every relationship has 2 people in it after all, ) but being consistently unresponsive to her advances is clearly an issue

HaggisBurger · 19/04/2022 11:17

@JJJJETS I agree pluck up the courage IS odd - but I certainly recognise that feeling when I tried to get us back on track with sex. Same emotion when bringing up the subject too 😬

Lsquiggles · 19/04/2022 11:25

Neither of you are in the wrong here but sex is clearly more of a priority for you than it is for him, nothing wrong with that. He clearly doesn't think there is a problem that needs fixing. I think your relationship has just ran its course and you're not as compatible as you once were.

88sausagefactory88 · 19/04/2022 11:53

well done OP. Take some time out. Remember it's not you, it's him, you can't fix it. And only with hindsight you'll really know what was going on for him.

mippapiddleton · 19/04/2022 12:58

I am 73 years old, and my partner and I can no longer enjoy the fabulous sexual relationship that we had because he now has dementia and Parkinsons Disease. I'd be damned if I would want to contemplate a sexless relationship at your young age.

Your partner is doing a very good impression of someone who doesn't give a flying one. You are doing the right thing by going to stay with Dsis. I hope you can discuss things with her. You have a long life ahead of you. Good luck Flowers

Celendine · 19/04/2022 13:03

I would have a frank discussion about it. Ask him to go to the doctor's because I am a lot lot older than you and this isn't normal and will destroy the intimacy in your relationship and make you feel unloved.

litterbird · 19/04/2022 13:06

@Xfan, I have been on HRT since I was 48, I am 57 now. I lost my sex drive when I started the menopause. HRT bought it back for me. I am firing on all cylinders and have been for some time now. It also helps if you fancy your partner and vice versa. I hope the OP can figure everything out and hope her partner still finds her attractive and they can build on that as they are too young to hit brick walls like this.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 19/04/2022 13:30

Thank you everyone, all your comments are much appreciated. I’m a wreck today. It’s not just the sex, there’s obviously something else going on in our relationship. He doesn’t want to talk about it and I can’t force him. Going to get through work then I’m meeting my friend for a few drinks, I’ll talk it all out with her 😢

OP posts:
Countdownis35 · 19/04/2022 14:16

@Lsquiggles

Neither of you are in the wrong here but sex is clearly more of a priority for you than it is for him, nothing wrong with that. He clearly doesn't think there is a problem that needs fixing. I think your relationship has just ran its course and you're not as compatible as you once were.
Wow. No I think this is worrying that you view things like this. Sex is a natural thing to want to do so if there's a sudden decline... who ever doesn't want to do it OPS OH... needs to be honest surely? And express his reasons it's totally unfair other wise. You can't assume that OP must float along without any kind of reasoning
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 14:46

Trust your instincts Op. Whatever the reason is you are entitled to feel as you do.
We can speculate he’s got erectile disfunction/gay/affair/relationship run course but you’ve given him opportunity to discuss and he’s not been forthcoming. He should have been approaching you after his awkward turn down and explained why. Then when you approached him he’s denied any issue. If he can’t or won’t communicate about whatever is stopping him then your relationship is over anyway.

TalkingCat · 19/04/2022 15:38

This reply has been deleted

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TalkingCat · 19/04/2022 16:36

Wow, seriously, my post was deleted? I'll try again. OP, this is ridiculous. Gather some self respect. You shouldn't be going to your sisters, you should be telling him to leave for a few days. He has just showed his true colours to you hasn't he? Instead of apologising, he compounds his true colours by saying you are over-reacting, when in fact, he is underreacting. He really doesn't get it, worse, he really doesn't care about your feelings and thinks you should get over it and suck it up. He is a germ. The more you post, the worse he sounds. He is doubling down, and making it so very clear he doesn't care about your feelings and has absolutely no intent on changing. For goodness sake, put your big woman pants on, tell him to leave for a few days, and that you are looking at splitting up the house. He should be the one leaving, not you.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 19/04/2022 17:51

Thanks everyone for your comments. I don’t mind coming to my sisters, it’s closer to work and I like being with my sister.

I have a lot to think about. Thank you everyone for your input and advice, much appreciated

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 19/04/2022 17:59

@JJJJETS

Thanks everyone for your comments. I don’t mind coming to my sisters, it’s closer to work and I like being with my sister.

I have a lot to think about. Thank you everyone for your input and advice, much appreciated

I think it's completely understandable that you should want to be with your sister. I think the reason people are saying don't leave the house is that it puts you in a weaker position in the sense of legal entitlement. Though I may be wrong.

fishingforflies · 19/04/2022 18:10

For me lack of sex in a relationship is indicative of lack of intimacy and connection.

You have done the right thing to raise this issue with your DP.
He's obviously upset, hasn't handled that very well. It will be interesting to see if he's willing to discuss the issue with you.
If not the relationship no longer exists.

You are young with your whole life ahead of you, it's daunting to leave any relationship, but you deserve more.

Penguinwaddler · 19/04/2022 18:27

@fishingforflies

For me lack of sex in a relationship is indicative of lack of intimacy and connection.

You have done the right thing to raise this issue with your DP.
He's obviously upset, hasn't handled that very well. It will be interesting to see if he's willing to discuss the issue with you.
If not the relationship no longer exists.

You are young with your whole life ahead of you, it's daunting to leave any relationship, but you deserve more.

The first sentence says it all to me and I completely agree!

OP I'm 30 and my ex was in his 30s. It was a similar situation where there was no sex and he didn't want to talk about it, so whatever the issues were, they weren't getting talked about or solved/sorted out. We were a couple who on the outside seemed like we had it all but without the communication it all fell apart unfortunately.

I felt unattractive, washed up and incredibly undesired. It was horrible and I've let it affect my self esteem a lot, especially as I used to be very sex positive.

I hope you have a nice time with your sister and can wrap your head around what you want to do x

KittyBurrito · 19/04/2022 18:39

Just wanted to send Flowers. I hadn't realised when I first posted that you were only in your 20s. That does cast a different light on things - it's normal to go through dry patches later on esp with children, but not now. I agree it does sound like something is up, but if he won't talk to you about it, you can't work it out together. The only young man I ever met who rarely wanted sex had been abused as a boy. So there may be a reason for it that is nothing at all to do with you, sweetheart. And he may have a reason for finding it hard to talk about. But if he can't bring himself to tell you, I can't see what you can do. Good idea to go be with your sister - hope she gives you a big hug x

Hont1986 · 19/04/2022 19:29

the reason people are saying don't leave the house is that it puts you in a weaker position in the sense of legal entitlement

A short stay away makes no difference. Besides, they aren't married and no kids so it doesn't apply here.

Alcemeg · 19/04/2022 19:50

I am really sorry OP to throw my oar in, but your DP sounds like my DH, who considers sex one of the least important things in life. I think as women it's difficult to get a balanced perspective on anything to do with sex, because the media brainwashes us into thinking that our "sexiness" is where our true value lies. And that is complete bullshit. But it's only by being with men who truly get this that we can heal ourselves from such toxic and deeply ingrained beliefs.

The other night he was probably tired, had a good day and was looking forward to a good night's sleep, and was bemused and flattered by your comment.

From what you say he's been saying, I think it sounds like he loves and respects you and is dismayed that this little incident holds such importance for you. I think it's because you've invested the whole thing with doubts about your own attractiveness, etc etc etc. These are poisons that are injected into you constantly, daily. Be careful. Don't let distorted cultural expectations mess up what sounds like an authentic loving relationship.

beachcitygirl · 19/04/2022 20:08

@Alcemeg

I am really sorry OP to throw my oar in, but your DP sounds like my DH, who considers sex one of the least important things in life. I think as women it's difficult to get a balanced perspective on anything to do with sex, because the media brainwashes us into thinking that our "sexiness" is where our true value lies. And that is complete bullshit. But it's only by being with men who truly get this that we can heal ourselves from such toxic and deeply ingrained beliefs.

The other night he was probably tired, had a good day and was looking forward to a good night's sleep, and was bemused and flattered by your comment.

From what you say he's been saying, I think it sounds like he loves and respects you and is dismayed that this little incident holds such importance for you. I think it's because you've invested the whole thing with doubts about your own attractiveness, etc etc etc. These are poisons that are injected into you constantly, daily. Be careful. Don't let distorted cultural expectations mess up what sounds like an authentic loving relationship.

I'm sorry,but this 👆🏻 just no. The OP is in her 20s, she doesn't want an authentic loving relationship without sex. She wants intimacy & passion & she deserves that. She wants a partner that will take her needs seriously & communicate appropriately with her. That isn't happening currently.

That does not mean that she has swallowed a whole "be sexy" advertising image. That does of course exist, but a healthy passionate sex life is an important part of any intimate relationship.
Otherwise a couple are just flat mates & most wouldn't want that, certainly not in your 20s

Alcemeg · 19/04/2022 20:27

True, I'm twice OP's age! But my DH isn't. The pattern of his relationships has been hot sex for the first year or so, and then more emphasis on companionship. He considers this completely normal and inevitable for him, and I know the losing interest has nothing to do with the attractiveness or otherwise of his partner because his previous partners were young and very hot.

I totally get that there may be a mismatch in libido, but am just cautioning against jumping to a million conclusions, especially in an otherwise loving and kind relationship.

Sometimes fancying someone means... I don't know, it's hard to put this into words, but... a kind of objectifying of each other. It's not the be-all and end-all, unless we make it so.

AbsoluteTruths · 19/04/2022 20:28

I am really sorry OP to throw my oar in, but your DP sounds like my DH, who considers sex one of the least important things in life That's fine for your dp, and very lucky that you feel the same. But op does not.

freedomhereicome · 19/04/2022 20:58

@Alcemeg

True, I'm twice OP's age! But my DH isn't. The pattern of his relationships has been hot sex for the first year or so, and then more emphasis on companionship. He considers this completely normal and inevitable for him, and I know the losing interest has nothing to do with the attractiveness or otherwise of his partner because his previous partners were young and very hot.

I totally get that there may be a mismatch in libido, but am just cautioning against jumping to a million conclusions, especially in an otherwise loving and kind relationship.

Sometimes fancying someone means... I don't know, it's hard to put this into words, but... a kind of objectifying of each other. It's not the be-all and end-all, unless we make it so.

The problem for me is it's not even about the sex. It's his lack of communication. He's just shut down and refused to even talk about it.

We could be talking about a mismatch in anything. How often they go out, get take aways, where they live

It's the way couples communicate in a relationship. They need to work things out together. Otherwise it's not going to work - whatever the issue.

Alcemeg · 19/04/2022 21:01

Has he refused to communicate, though? Or is he just saying things that don't match expectations?

Countdownis35 · 19/04/2022 21:02

The new comers to this thread have some odd responses and suggestions for OP. Have you actually read and understood OP??

OP has not assumed anything she has directly asked her OH!!