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Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 17/04/2022 23:23

It sounds like a fundamental mismatch in libido.

It sounds like for you that isn't going to work, so yes, the thing to do now is to end the relationship.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 17/04/2022 23:24

If you don’t have kids together, yes I’d move on.

Itchylegs · 17/04/2022 23:25

Does he need a long build up? Is he scared about his performance? It isn't necessarily bad but she need a proper talk.

Itchylegs · 17/04/2022 23:25

*you need...

DailySheetWasher · 17/04/2022 23:25

I can understand your hurt.

Have you been together a long time? How old is he? Is he trying to hide ED?

He needs to be honest with you about what's really going on so you can choose what to do next.

Hope you get some sleep Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2022 23:27

Yes it’s over. Sorry. But it’s no way to live. You won’t meet someone who’s more compatible if you stay with him.

Greensleeves · 17/04/2022 23:27

He needs to stop hedging and open up about what's happening for him. It's not as uncommon as people think it is to be completely uninterested in sexual intercourse with another person, but it IS something that people need to be upfront and honest about. Alternatively he may be gay, or have body issues, or not be attracted to you physically despite loving you...whichever it is, you need to know and he needs to be honest so that you can make an informed choice about whether or not to stay with him.

So I wouldn't allow this sort of vague, hurtful rejection to happen again. Tomorrow, when you're feeling less upset, I'd sit him down and tell him that there needs to be a frank conversation about sex. If he can't handle that, or you feel he isn't engaging honestly, then I'd break it off.

DailySheetWasher · 17/04/2022 23:27

Sorry, I can now see you've been together 5 years, apologies for not reading properly!

Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:28

I feel so sad 😢 and so Embarrassed that I’m just unwanted in that way. When we met we had sex constantly and it was amazing. Not sure how we let it slide so much. Sometimes it feels like we’ll never have sex again. As in, sometimes I literally cannot imagine how it is going to happen. How bizarre is that?

I know it’s over. I know it is. Right this second I can’t reconcile that, everything else is perfect (well not perfect of course but we have a happy life) and I love him. A lot. So of course I’m not going to be able to make this massive life change in a split second. But in my heart I know

OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 17/04/2022 23:28

Oh sweetheart Flowers

Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:29

Maybe he’s not attracted to me, I have put on weight. But he compliments me all the time, tells me he loves my body etc. Plus I put on weight a few years ago (medication but also it’s hard to lose) and we still had plenty of sex then and I haven’t put on any weight since I first put it on if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:32

No, no real big build up. When he’s in the mood it’s obvious, I can feel the sexual chemistry then we have really good sex. And he seems to enjoy it. I honestly feel so embarrassed, my sister announced her pregnancy last week and people were joking (to me, not him) it would be us next and even though I’m not sure I want kids, I could feel myself squirming because I was thinking wow if only you knew

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 17/04/2022 23:35

His comment alone would have finished it for me. Haha wow? Of course he doesn't have to have sex he doesn't want but what's with the response?

I'd feel hurt too op.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:38

You could tell he felt put on the spot and kind of laughed it off. It wasn’t as if I was like ‘get in that bed now big boy’ or whatever, I was just talking about the couple of glasses of wine I’d had tonight and I said wine always puts me in the mood and you looked really amazing in those shorts today, shall we get an early night (or something along those lines, not those exact words but they kind of wording) and that was his reply.

So, so hurtful. I feel really stupid

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:38

And really ugly and unlovable.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 17/04/2022 23:40

OP, whatever is going on here, it is about him, not you. I'm sure you are neither ugly nor unlovable Flowers

Doona · 17/04/2022 23:41

Men don't have to always be in the mood, of course, but his comment was so weird. Like he's hiding something tbh.

ImustLearn2Cook · 17/04/2022 23:42

You have been together for 5 years. What is your communication like. If your dp was finding it difficult to maintain an erection would he feel comfortable in discussing that with you? Would you listen to him with understanding and not interpret it as him not being attracted to you. Can you discuss sex with your dp freely, without feeling embarrassed?

Some couples agree to have an open relationship so that each could have their sexual needs met elsewhere while maintaining their relationship with each other. Is that something that you and your dp would be ok with? If monogamy is important to either of you then that’s ok too.

There is more to a relationship then sex. So, maybe explore what your relationship with your dp means to you and to him. It ain’t over till it’s over. This doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship but then maybe it is. That depends entirely on you and your dp. No one else could really know.

GrandRapids · 17/04/2022 23:49

Christ I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt. It's a pretty unusual response from a man. You otherwise seem happy with him so perhaps a very frank conversation is in order before you finish it for good?

seensome · 17/04/2022 23:50

As it's an ongoing issue, I think the relationship has run its course.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:51

Of course. I don’t want it to come across as me snapping my fingers and being like ‘ I want sex now and if you’re not in the mood I’m going to cry’ at all, but after a lovely bank holiday weekend, lots of touching, few drinks, watching our best friends get married etc it just seemed like a nice way to round off the weekend. Plus I’m really horny!

We have good communication normally, we talk
About everything and anything. I don’t think it’s an erection issue as he’s never had an issue before and when we have had small issues with sex (when we were having it) honestly we talked about it and it was fine.
There isn’t anything I feel like I can’t talk about with him except for this. I had an issue with my pelvis which caused bleeding and pain for a while and that obviously put a stop to things for a bit but it was all rectified. The last time we spoke about the lack of sex he said he was scared of hurting me, I assured him that I was no longer in pain and it was fine. But I also feel like that was just an excuse really, a good way to get an out.

It’s just really sad. It’s sad that an otherwise happy, fullfilling relationship is like this. And as I say, I know in my heart that it can’t go on like this but our lives are so intertwined and I really really love him, my heart would be totally broken. Plus with me ex dp. We had sex every day and we had a crap relationship that I was deathly unhappy in (but we had good sex) so sometimes I feel as if well, I could go on to meet someone who wants me more but what if it’s a horrible relationship

But (sorry I am rambling now), this is going to kill off my self esteem. And maybe he doesn’t care, he cannot think this is normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:51

I’m going have to sit him down tomorrow and have a really frank, honest conversation. Because I cannot, and will not, carry on like this. I have more self worth

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 17/04/2022 23:52

Aw no wonder you feel hurt- how old are you both? You have no kids and have been together 5 yrs it shouldn't really be like this. You have had a good weekend by the sounds of it and I would expect you to feel close and make the most of it.
You have a tough decision to make I think. I've been with DH for 30yrs and it's not all plain sailing for sure - when you are much older the sex stuff goes 'awry' at times but we always have managed to circle back so far.

SparklingLime · 17/04/2022 23:53

The totally checking out… porn?

TheMoreYouKnow · 17/04/2022 23:55

Could he be depressed? Or maybe its one of those cases of where he loves you but not IN love with you. Been where you are and its heartbreaking. Its not you though. Flowers

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