Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

[JJJJETS]

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

@Dixiechickonhols

I think you are very brave to address this now. It’s all to easy to bump along and then be in same situation in 5 or 10 years time. It’s not going to improve with more time elapsing or if you add children etc. It doesn’t matter what reason is he’s not communicating with you. I think all you can do it talk and make clear a sexless relationship is not for you it’s not just sex it’s the rejection and how feel. It will eat away at you. You are young.

Agreed!

@Countdownis35

The new comers to this thread have some odd responses and suggestions for OP. Have you actually read and understood OP??

OP has not assumed anything she has directly asked her OH!!

I'd disagree with this, and think some major leaps have been made, with the encouragement of MN. I'll reply properly tomorrow 😸

The other night he was probably tired, had a good day and was looking forward to a good night's sleep, and was bemused and flattered by your comment.*

This was not the reason if it was OP would of updated and told us once she spoke to her OH.
There's an issue quite clearly.. OP has gone to stay with her sister so if it was just a case on general tiredness/work load... why did he not voice this to OP? Also its been months if you read on occasions. Ohhh so he's Bemused? Well so is OP!!! And HE needs to be the one to shed the light since OP went to bed in tears.

Yes he has there's no conclusion or solution is there? OP wants to be in a sexual relationship with her OH.

@Alcemeg

I am really sorry OP to throw my oar in, but your DP sounds like my DH, who considers sex one of the least important things in life. I think as women it's difficult to get a balanced perspective on anything to do with sex, because the media brainwashes us into thinking that our "sexiness" is where our true value lies. And that is complete bullshit. But it's only by being with men who truly get this that we can heal ourselves from such toxic and deeply ingrained beliefs.

The other night he was probably tired, had a good day and was looking forward to a good night's sleep, and was bemused and flattered by your comment.

From what you say he's been saying, I think it sounds like he loves and respects you and is dismayed that this little incident holds such importance for you. I think it's because you've invested the whole thing with doubts about your own attractiveness, etc etc etc. These are poisons that are injected into you constantly, daily. Be careful. Don't let distorted cultural expectations mess up what sounds like an authentic loving relationship.

What a dismissive post.

Women like sex too you know. They enjoy it. They have fantasies. They desire. They want to be desired. They want to express themselves sexually. They want their partner to be a lover.

Not all of course, but plenty, and it's not because they are brainwashed by the media . It's because they know their own body and mind.

You think we need to be with men who aren't interested in sex so that we can heal ourselves, how offensive.

Totally agree @Moser85

It's the idea that women couldn't possibly want sex unless the media or society had told them this. How ridiculous is that.. humans have sex. For many years as I was growing up the message was women aren't sexual, the old headache joke and being a slut if you dared enjoy sex or have sex with more than one man.
Seems there are still a few of those messages being thrown around

@Alcemeg

I am really sorry OP to throw my oar in, but your DP sounds like my DH, who considers sex one of the least important things in life. I think as women it's difficult to get a balanced perspective on anything to do with sex, because the media brainwashes us into thinking that our "sexiness" is where our true value lies. And that is complete bullshit. But it's only by being with men who truly get this that we can heal ourselves from such toxic and deeply ingrained beliefs.

The other night he was probably tired, had a good day and was looking forward to a good night's sleep, and was bemused and flattered by your comment.

From what you say he's been saying, I think it sounds like he loves and respects you and is dismayed that this little incident holds such importance for you. I think it's because you've invested the whole thing with doubts about your own attractiveness, etc etc etc. These are poisons that are injected into you constantly, daily. Be careful. Don't let distorted cultural expectations mess up what sounds like an authentic loving relationship.

@Alcemeg He neither loves her nor 'respects' her. He is cold, cruel and does not care how she feels. Love is not meant to be this selfish. A person who loves you and respects you would never treat you the way he has treated the OP. He has actually doubled down even when she was crying.

It's not about 'cultural expectations' or poisons, she wants sex! She WANTS it! She wants a partner, a lover, not a flatmate.

@Alcemeg

Has he refused to communicate, though? Or is he just saying things that don't match expectations?

@Alcemeg Have you actually read the OP's posts? All of them, not just the first one? Because she couldn't make it any more clearer than he refuses to communicate at all. She has tried many times with him. He will not communicate. Last night he just doubled down and gaslit her.

@JJJJETS I’m sorry that your dp won’t communicate with you. I think you’re right that there is an issue that is more than just sex. I hope you have a good time with your sister and friends and can relax and get a fresh perspective of how you want to proceed.

Good luck.

It does sound as though he doesn’t want to work on the issue which is strange for a young man.

stay with our sister for as long as you can to give yourself time to think.

I totally agree with this.

It's not the lack of sex that's the big problem its the total breakdown in communication.
Build that back up and the rest will naturally happen.

OP has putting on weight affected you personally...your confidence..how you was when you was intimate?

If the guys stressed the last thing he probably wants is to have sex then have to explain why he doesn't want to when he doesn't. Thats going to drive even more of a wedge between you both.

Probably a unpopular option but .....

OP if you want more sex and it’s not happening in this relationship, of course this is not the man for you. All I wanted to say last night is, be careful what you’re reacting to.

Background info: Sex is nice when you do it, he enjoys sex with you, you communicate well generally, this is what you’d describe as a happy relationship, you love him, you have a good life together

What’s happened: You felt like sex and he didn’t, and this is a typical pattern

What you read into it: You’re ugly / undesirable / unlovable and this is killing your self-esteem, because sex represents everything that’s important in a relationship

What he says: He’s stressed out from work and doesn’t consider sex as important as you do, end of story

What MN says: He doesn’t respect you, he’s having an affair, he’s cruel, he’s not being honest with you, he’s gaslighting you, LTB, etc

If his low sex drive is a deal breaker for you, then fair enough. You’re only young once, and it’s annoying to be with someone who doesn’t make the most of it. But be clear that’s why you’re leaving, not because of all the extra layers you may have imagined / that MN has helped to paint.

If he has trouble getting his head out of work mode, maybe you need to plan some changes of scene now and then. Although it could get expensive having to check in to a 5-star hotel every time you fancy a bit of nookie! Good luck OP.

OP in your shoes I would carry on with the travel plans with him. Have a great time and use this time to try to reconnect with him. If this doesn’t happen then use the time away to visualise a life without him as your partner. You can still be great friends

It’s not just a one off incident. They have had sex 2 times in last 3 months. Before that they have had a 6 month sexless stretch. They are a young couple, own home, no children, no known health issues, he works a normal 9-5 job (not away on an oil rig etc)
If he wasn’t in mood when propositioned then he would have said so not said what he did which sounded like having sex was as likely as him going to Mars and he would have instigated sex with Op in following days.
Instead he’s said nothing and when pressed best Op has got is he’s stressed at work in run up to time off (but this has been ongoing for months) and he’s happy with sexless set up.
He doesn’t want to communicate and tell Op what real issue is.
If she stays and puts up with a mostly sexless relationship she’ll be posting again in 2 or 3 years that she can’t get pg as he can’t/won’t have sex and then if they do have a child it will dwindle to nil.
Op has every right to say sex in a relationship is important to me. If he doesn’t feel same way then it’s best addressed now than in 10 years where Op’s self confidence is worn down by and there’s children in mix.

I’d also disagree that he’s got a low sex drive. They had sex daily initially. He’s confirmed to Op he’s masturbating solo once or twice a week. So why not have sex? Op is clueless as he won’t communicate.

But don't all couples have more sex in the first flush of a relationship? We were at it like hounds for about 18 months.

Re the masturbation, if he thinks of desire as just an itch that needs to be scratched now and then, having a wank is a very efficient way of getting the job done so you can get on with your working day.

Not sure what I was on about last night, as I was drunk (on hols!) and shouldn't have been let loose anywhere near a keyboard. But it might have been something along the lines of trying to unpick why this feels like such a catastrophe, and from OP's posts it sounds as though there is much more going on for her than just not getting enough sex. She's drawn lots of conclusions from it about her own attractiveness and worth, conclusions that it doesn't sound as though her husband would share. (maybe that's why I was banging on about toxic media? no idea, your guess is as good as mine!)

He's given a simple explanation that makes sense -- I'm not sure why so many folk on here think he must be lying / hiding something.

Absolutely agree though, no good staying in a relatively sexless relationship if sex is really important to you. But it can't be the "ultimate expression of love" in the relationship if that just isn't how he feels about it.

@Alcemeg totally and utterly agree with what you have said here.

My partner and I used to have sex constantly...time has worn on....we don't...were tired after work...life gets in the way. It doesn't mean hes cheating/got erectile disfunction/a porn addiction...were just tired...and when we do get our funk back on a few weeks/days whatever later its amazing.

Think this couple need to get there spark back again because it sounds lost to me.

Book a holiday... a weekend away...spend time together and refind why you got together in the first place.

@Alcemeg

But don't all couples have more sex in the first flush of a relationship? We were at it like hounds for about 18 months.

Re the masturbation, if he thinks of desire as just an itch that needs to be scratched now and then, having a wank is a very efficient way of getting the job done so you can get on with your working day.

Not sure what I was on about last night, as I was drunk (on hols!) and shouldn't have been let loose anywhere near a keyboard. But it might have been something along the lines of trying to unpick why this feels like such a catastrophe, and from OP's posts it sounds as though there is much more going on for her than just not getting enough sex. She's drawn lots of conclusions from it about her own attractiveness and worth, conclusions that it doesn't sound as though her husband would share. (maybe that's why I was banging on about toxic media? no idea, your guess is as good as mine!)

He's given a simple explanation that makes sense -- I'm not sure why so many folk on here think he must be lying / hiding something.

Absolutely agree though, no good staying in a relatively sexless relationship if sex is really important to you. But it can't be the "ultimate expression of love" in the relationship if that just isn't how he feels about it.

You should be allowed to discuss issues and problems in your relationship- the op was shut down. This doesn't bode well for having a family together (plus the no sex thing!) so it's right to address this.

interestingly there is a similar thread going, to this, but with the genders reversed
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4534354-misatched-libido-is-causing-issues.
That poster gets little sympathy, some ppl seem to think he is gross sex pest, which does really happen on this thread

🌻I hope you are doing alright op

Different people respond to different threads? We're not just a homogenous mass of mothers, you know.

Now why do you think this would be the case?

Go ahead and put that critical thinking cap on… I am doubtful you’ll be able to see, identify, and understand it. I will confess I am holding on to some faint flicker of hope.

Also why do you feel this is relevant to this woman’s heartfelt question? Who gives a crap about how a man is being treated in what you decided was the “same” situation?

Their situations are not the same and this thread is about the OP.

Get with the program and stop advocating for men who have LITERALLY nothing to do with this woman’s specific journey. You’ve lost the plot.

Are you lost and do you need an adult!

@ThatThingYouCantRemember

Now why do you think this would be the case? [...] Go ahead and put that critical thinking cap on… I am doubtful you’ll be able to see, identify, and understand it. I will confess I am holding on to some faint flicker of hope.

Do you mind spelling it out for dunces like me? No need for an essay (unless you feel like it!), just a few clues. I'll admit to not being very clever at this sort of thing, and I'm genuinely curious.

I don't think it's irrelevant to this thread. From my perspective, what's interesting is the taken-for-granted assumption that a woman must feel desirable in order to be whole. This seems to be reflected in OP's posts and in many of the replies.

You might say: but she just wants to get all her needs met. Fair enough, but honestly I feel that sex has insidiously crept in to take centre stage over the past few decades, and I'm not sure it's doing us any good. Are we really, really all that horny? Is it really a form of authentic and spontaneous self-expression, not driven by some deep need for reassurance about being lovable?

The whole concept of sex seems to driving everyone nuts. I see young women transforming themselves into sex dolls with inflated boobs and rubber lips. I see older women fretting over "losing that oestrogen glow" at an age where my mum, my gran, were more interested in doing a bit of sewing or gardening at the weekend! Not to say we should all take up knitting for a happier life, but somewhere along the way we seem to have been brainwashed into appointing sex as a kind of litmus test of whether the relationship is real, and of course whether we have value.

I will freely admit that as a postmenopausal woman I am no longer driven by hormones. And maybe I just have a bad memory, but looking back, my approach to sex was fraught with insecurities. Very rarely was it a simple case of me joyfully getting my rocks off.

Are they the same posters that are on this thread and are they offering the total opposite of the views they are sharing here?

If so then you have an argument for double standards, if not then what's that thread show other than different people have different opinions on a subject?

I think this would be a different issue for many at different times of their lives. In a long term loving relationship where kids have grown then it wouldn't necessarily be an issue for me as long as there was intimacy on some level, ie kissing, hugging, holding hands.

At age 29 with no kids it would be a very different issue. There's a long life ahead. Or Trying to conceive with a partner who doesn't want/need to have sex would be heartbreaking.

I like having sex with my partner. But it isn't the be all and end all. But our kids are grown, I'm too old to have any more so sex is purely for fun/love/laughter/closeness and when we are not too tired/ill/we can't be arsed!

any updates OP?