Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

[JJJJETS]

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

I wouldn't end it, I'd suggest counceling and try to work through it. Ifyou had a good sex life at one point, then something changed. If the rest of relationship is worth saving- you've nothing to lose. But you could work through and become stronger, and improved sex life

Have hou thought about the possibility of your op being involved with someone else, I think you should prepare yourself for that even if he denies it. You say both your families get on well and you seem happy but to me this is the most likely outcome.He will possibly end it today when you are having a talk about it.Go live your best life you deserve it.It isn't anything you did or didn't do btw it just happens people all of the time

@Jewel52

Just wondering how this would would be perceived if it was a man writing about a woman who hadn’t wanted sex on demand. The Op is giving loads of positives about their relationship, including a really healthy sex life in their past. So many of these responses seem to be built on a stereotype of “men are always up for it”. Just talk about what’s going on and why the awkwardness around her initiating sex but without sexist assumptions that men should be constantly horny

Yes, this. Really weird thread. Whatever happened to "no one has to have sex they don't want to have"? Men who want sex when their partners don't tend to get dismissed as pestering pathetic manchildren on here. Never once seen a man whose wife isn't up for sex get told "you're too young for this, leave her!" When they say rejection makes them feel unloved they get told to grow up and respect their partners.

The idea that all men should permanently be up for it is such an important example of how toxic masculinity damages men, and it's depressing to see so many MNers buying into it. A man has a low sex drive and everyone leaps straight to him not loving you, him being gay etc.

This could be any number of things. Maybe OP's partner has a medical issue and could do with seeing a GP, or maybe he's just got a low sex drive and they're incompatible. Agree that actual communication - hopefully calm, and without any blame - is the way forward.

Give him the opportunity to talk about what goes on for him when you suggest sex, see if there are anxieties there. Ask him if there is another woman/man. I hope you get some answers OP, and you can make a decision on next steps from there. Good luck

I just wanted to say - good luck with the chat . A proper chat may clear the air . You love him and you need to sort this out whether you walk away or not.
I am pretty sure it isn’t because he doesn’t fancy you … it’s about HIM
Try seeing if he will talk to a therapist if not to yoy

Good luck

I think its another woman and I'm a bit surprised no one else is thinking that way,isn't it surely the most obvious.I hope I'm wrong as it will hurt the op but better to know now than waste another 5 years,and op be careful who you talk to about this as it could be someone close to you

Lots of posters saying don't end it, just talk about it. And in an ideal world, I agree.

But OP said she has tried, and he hasn't responded. So what now?

Personally, I would try to talk once more. Really lay everything out there and say you want to fix it but can't unless he is completely honest with you. Do not get fobbed off with "I'll try harder", this will not help fix the issue.

If he is not prepared to open up and be honest with you, then I would leave. Open communication is another key cornerstone in a relationship. Without that and sex then how do you build intimacy and strong bonds to get you through the tough stuff?

A couple of friends of mine were having similar issues and they have been seeing a relationship therapist, but there is more of a focus on intimacy for them. It has worked wonders for them with understanding how each other feel and what the mental barriers are around intimacy and sex. I know that for a good few weeks the conversations were not focused on sex but other things regarding intimacy. She would set them little tasks each week that related to building intimacy. They swear by it.

They are now getting married next year and are so glad they had the counselling- they still have it even though things have much improved.

Something you could try?

@JJJJETS

No, no real big build up. When he’s in the mood it’s obvious, I can feel the sexual chemistry then we have really good sex. And he seems to enjoy it. I honestly feel so embarrassed, my sister announced her pregnancy last week and people were joking (to me, not him) it would be us next and even though I’m not sure I want kids, I could feel myself squirming because I was thinking wow if only you knew

Just because he is not in the mood for sex doesn’t mean he loves you less, men don’t want sex all the time, Sounds like you need a full and frank talk about how you both feel about the bedroom situation

@AlternativePerspective

Hang on, if a woman posted here that she had no libido and her partner was threatening to leave because he didn’t get sex people would be telling her she was wel rid and he clearly was a silly manchild.

Now while I do understand the hurt if you’re rejected the reality is that the grass is rarely greener, and to end an otherwise good relationship because of sex is incredibly short-sighted. Because sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship? “Someone who likes sex”? Is the other stuff not important then?

FWIW I am the one with no libido due to medication and I know it does bother my DP. If he decided to leave me over it that would be his decision. But our relationship is built on so much more than that, and to reduce the meaning of a relationship to lack of the physical is to dismiss everything else that relationship stands for.

And what happens wen the OP has children and has no libido? Should the man be free to leave? Is she in the wrong?

Lack of libido can have all sorts of reasons. And it’s not only women who have the monopoly on saying no.

Well of course women don't have a monopoly on saying no, but if a man felt like they weren't compatible sexually I'd advise them the same as OP. If any element of a relationship is making you unhappy then why stay and be miserable. I enjoy sex, it's not the most important thing to me but having been in a relationship like OP it was the right decision for me to leave.

Honestly, there is sex propping up every corner of my marriage. A subtle flirting that goes on throughout every day. Eye contact, little touches, funny naughty comments. We've been married 15 years, and it's what makes it different from my good friendships. A marriage without that, would be no marriage at all. I'm not sure it's the actual sex, but the feeling of sexual attraction in day to day life. It's definitely fundamental though.

Mumsnet double standards at its finest here!

I am just getting back to a single comment of yours: you are 29.

You have all your life ahead of you, this was a good relationship and continues to be an amazing friendship but that’s it. It is attraction that makes you a couple, without it you can be best friends, close brother and sister or even flatmates, but not a couple unless you see it as a “couple… of friends”.

I am much older than you and at my age, the idea of friendship and companionship attracts me more than steaming nights of sex but… you are 29, you have no children to consider. Do not settle for this, you have a fantastic life ahead of you.

Life is good to those who dare, take the bull by the horns and go out there to build the life they want. Splitting up is not giving up, it is having the courage to go and find a happy life, the easiest thing is to play safe and stay put, but what would you prefer OP 40 years of hope enjoying life as it comes or the reassurance of waking up every one of those days trapped in a relationship that makes you feel unwanted and rejected?

Is there any possibility that he’s sleeping with someone else?

The reason I say this is that from your post it does sound like the mismatch in sex drive is relatively recent.

@Spannwr1971

Honestly, there is sex propping up every corner of my marriage. A subtle flirting that goes on throughout every day. Eye contact, little touches, funny naughty comments. We've been married 15 years, and it's what makes it different from my good friendships. A marriage without that, would be no marriage at all. I'm not sure it's the actual sex, but the feeling of sexual attraction in day to day life. It's definitely fundamental though.

Exactly this. Otherwise you are flatmates.

No one should be in a sexless marriage, if they don't want to be.

Sex and intimacy is what brings you together as a couple, it makes you feel loved, valued and wanted.

Without it you are just house mates.

And those who say "sex isn't everything" or "my partner is just fine about lack of sex" I'm sorry but your kidding yourselves

I would go to couples counselling as you love him and want to make it work, she if things can change. If not move on.

@Qextor

Here's my two suggestions:

When you propositioned him, he may have been caught off guard, and used humor to mask the fact that he was not ready to say yes so quickly.

One couple I know have the DW needing conversation and foreplay to feel emotionally close to DH before she's ready for action. DH needs to jump right into the action to feel that closeness, and then can have a good conversation. So they give and take on the foreplay, sometimes more, sometimes less.

As others have pointed out - yes, you do need to talk to your DP and see what the issues are.

💯 this, why is the case that a woman should feel she can just click her fingers and a man needs to “ jump to it”, so to speak

I hope you can come to some kind of agreement especially if he is in love with you.

@JJJJETS

Maybe he’s not attracted to me, I have put on weight. But he compliments me all the time, tells me he loves my body etc. Plus I put on weight a few years ago (medication but also it’s hard to lose) and we still had plenty of sex then and I haven’t put on any weight since I first put it on if that makes sense

This is how I am. I am married to the hottest man on earth and I don't want sex often. We've been together almost five years but I'm just not interested in sex, maybe it's my age but it's definitely not him and we love each other very much and are very happy.

@JJJJETS it doesn’t matter if he looks fit and healthy, he could still have depression or erectile dysfunction (or other penis related issues). This could make him self conscious about his performance. You don’t have dc and you aren’t married so I would just leave if I were you.

Why does it have to be the end? Sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship.

No. But it's a core part of a romantic relationship.

You can make all the excuses but if you aren't having sex, bar the rare cases where this is mutually agreed and wanted, not tolerated, then you're just in a friendship, and it has no future.

I know this from experience.

OP, I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It is so hard. However you are being completely honest with yourself. It is over. Yes, talk to him. But even if he said he'd try harder etc, that sexual connection can't be forced. (Different after having children).

You are 29. It's time to move on, find great sex & compatibility.

Good luck 💐

@Comtesse

You’re 29? Oh love, this is not going to work. I don’t think he deserves your thirties as well

Totally agree. I gave my 20s to a man who I loved but we were essentially in a platonic relationship. It's so hard to end things when everything else seems ok. But really in the end we were just best friends living together and that's not what I wanted for my life.

I could have written your post 5 years ago. I didn't realise how damaging it was to my self esteem until I was in a healthy relationship.

See what comes of the conversation today and go from there but don't accept anything less than you deserve.

"Is there any possibility that he’s sleeping with someone else?"

^^
This. Sorry to say it.

Or an addiction to porn....

A sexless relationship only works if BOTH parties are happy and usually it's not the case on here. Did you miss the part where OP felt hurt and cried?

Honestly! Plus it's human nature to want to have sex even every couple of weeks it's nit asking too much is it?

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear @JJJJETS but you've described my exact relationship previous to DH.

We were together long term and slowly sex declined after I had our DD. I'd put on weight, and he just wasn't interested in sex and it absolutely destroyed my self-esteem.

Later it came out that he'd reject me for sex, and when he was in the toilet he'd be watching porn on his phone & masturbating. It was honestly the worst feeling in the world and I was so miserable.

Anyway even after this we stayed together, I thought it was for love but it was for convenience. Nothing changed with regards to libido, he still rejected me constantly and I later found out he told his friends he often gave me "pity sex".

Obviously we aren't together anymore and things with DH are so different - it's nice to feel wanted and desired again.

The point of this reply is don't feel like you have to put up with this - I stupidly never left and it dragged on for years longer than it needed to and ended up with me being cheated on (not saying that'll happen to you!!) but just don't let it drag on. A mismatch in libido isn't something easy to get past and unless he's willing to drastically change/look into why his libido is so low then it'll never work. Sorry