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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
Annabell46 · 18/04/2022 08:40

Perhaps he has low testosterone levels?
You need to talk to him. It sounds like you have a close relationship apart from sex. Don’t give up just yet! Relationships where you are great friends are hard to find. Its really worth hanging on in there. I massively regret ending a relationship and have not found anyone else since. I just couldn’t see the bigger picture at the time. Go travelling and enjoy it, it may be just the change you need to help relationship

Rathmobhaile · 18/04/2022 08:41

Its a problem but it doesn't have to be the end. You said you've previously tried talking but that doesn't seem to be getting to the cause of it. Would you not try a professional couples therapist?

Toomuchstuffwillkillme · 18/04/2022 08:42

If what was missing in your relationship was that you wanted to do more hiking/skydiving/crochet/fire-juggling/pottery ... you could find another friend or join a club to do that activity with and you'd feel much happier / more fulfilled. Problem solved.
This is SO much harder to fix. Not saying it's impossible to fix, and it would be amazing if you manage to reconnect properly. But if you can manage to have a really honest conversation about how you both feel (this will probably be difficult) and then 3 months down the line nothing has really changed, I think you need to move on.

I've been there, many years ago. I could have written your first few posts. Others on this thread have been there too - you can tell from how they write. Anyone still in that situation now - I am so so sorry.
So no OP, you are NOT "making a mountain out of a molehill", not if you're in your 20s with no kids. It is honestly soul-destroying. I really loved my DP, but eventually I couldn't stay. And it's not as easy as 'I would just leave' - splitting up after several years was like a bereavement. I also felt dreadfully guilty for ending things (see the 'but if the tables were turned' posts above - yes, not everyone will understand from the outside).

Anywayy, I got together with my now-DH not that long afterwards, and knew then I'd done the right thing. Doesn't mean I didn't still mourn my previous LTR/first real love and miss our friendship horribly for quite some time.

But if at some point you have to say enough is enough, do it. You only get one life, you're young and you deserve to be happier. Please be kind to your DP, but also be kind to yourself. Good luck.

Quackpot · 18/04/2022 08:45

You say you had a pelvic injury and he said he's afraid of hurting you, even though it's been rectified. Does he feel he was to blame for that?

Lovemusic33 · 18/04/2022 08:54

Talk to him, ask him to be honest, tell him you feel neglected and unwanted.

For me sex would be a deal breaker, you don’t have kids together so it would be easy for you to walk away and find someone who has a higher sex drive?

Gonnagetgoing · 18/04/2022 08:54

I was in a relationship at 28/29 with a man 2 years younger who loved me (I was more fond of him) and we did argue a lot but we always had a good sex life which was what kept us together. I think if we’d turned each other down for sex it would’ve signalled the end.

Actually having said the latter we were on holiday I’d put on new sexy underwear and he made it into a game I think, was messing around (was tipsy) and I got into a slight strop and we didn’t have sex! But we then pulled it back as we then had too much and I got cystitis!

I think your ages are crucial as most couples are settling down then. You sound incompatible and sadly if you try to fix this you’ll be just delaying the inevitable.

Benjispruce4 · 18/04/2022 08:54

I’m quite shocked at the responses here. If it was a man and his wife said the same after weeks without sex, everyone would be outraged and tell the man that he shouldn’t just expect sex and that his wife has a right to say no.
I think OP you need to have a proper talk. You say you are otherwise happy and love him, surely it’s worth working on. He may have issues, low testosterone or ED worries. You should be supporting him long before you decide to leave because he said no.

ginislife · 18/04/2022 08:59

Obviously you need to talk to him but I wouldn't be rushing to leave if you have plans to travel for 3 months soon. The time away might be the time needed to reconnect away from the stresses of work and mortgage, give you both time to talk away from home in a neutral place.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/04/2022 09:01

@Benjispruce4

I’m quite shocked at the responses here. If it was a man and his wife said the same after weeks without sex, everyone would be outraged and tell the man that he shouldn’t just expect sex and that his wife has a right to say no. I think OP you need to have a proper talk. You say you are otherwise happy and love him, surely it’s worth working on. He may have issues, low testosterone or ED worries. You should be supporting him long before you decide to leave because he said no.
@Benjispruce4 - but OP says here a few times she knows in her heart that’s it’s over. She hasn’t said anything else. I think when you know, you know.

She’s saying their families are close etc but you can’t stay with someone for the reasons she states and the sex isn’t good. Or I couldn’t. They’re both young too and counselling for them may just delay the inevitable, that either one or the other sing happy or they’ve simply run their course. It happens!

Gonnagetgoing · 18/04/2022 09:01

Isn’t not sing!

LimeSegment · 18/04/2022 09:01

And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship?

Huh? OP is 29, not 99. She finds her next relationship the same way anyone does, the same way she found this one. She gets out there and meets people, dates and meets someone compatible.

M0RVEN · 18/04/2022 09:05

@Benjispruce4

I’m quite shocked at the responses here. If it was a man and his wife said the same after weeks without sex, everyone would be outraged and tell the man that he shouldn’t just expect sex and that his wife has a right to say no. I think OP you need to have a proper talk. You say you are otherwise happy and love him, surely it’s worth working on. He may have issues, low testosterone or ED worries. You should be supporting him long before you decide to leave because he said no.
And I’m quite shocked at your poor reading comprehension.

No one is saying that he doesn’t have the right to say no. Not one single person has said that.

And it’s not her husband , it’s her boyfriend.

And there’s no suggestion that she has not supported him already. She has been very patient going months without sex for his sake.

They have talked already - the Op mentions long conversations.

And she’s said that he has no health issues.

However his repeated saying no and the long times without sex at all have an impact on the OP. She wants a different kind of relationship.

She’s allowed to want that. She’s allowed to leave to find someone who is more compatible.

Xfan · 18/04/2022 09:06

When and if you have children assuming you don't endure any significant birth injuries to your vagina/pelvic floor (which can also get damaged during pregnancy) you won't have the time or energy for sex for a while.

Indoctro · 18/04/2022 09:09

I think you just need to ask him straight why he doesn't want it often and ask him to be honest if it is lack of attraction and if it's not hopefully you can sort things out and if not we'll best to go separate ways as you are too young to be unhappy in your relationship

Good luck

EdenFlower · 18/04/2022 09:09

You might thankful one day that he's happy to go without...

Lsquiggles · 18/04/2022 09:09

I hope you get an answer OP, the not understanding is the worst part

spotcheck · 18/04/2022 09:10

@Benjispruce4

I’m quite shocked at the responses here. If it was a man and his wife said the same after weeks without sex, everyone would be outraged and tell the man that he shouldn’t just expect sex and that his wife has a right to say no. I think OP you need to have a proper talk. You say you are otherwise happy and love him, surely it’s worth working on. He may have issues, low testosterone or ED worries. You should be supporting him long before you decide to leave because he said no.
No, I think my answer would be the same OP Didn't say that this is an isolated event, that she HAS tried to talk to him, but nothing changes. She says she feels unlovable and unattractive, as clearly this has eroded her self esteem. I'm sure her partner IS lovely, but if he is unwilling to look at possible health reasons behind this, what else CAN the OP do? Should she REALLY spend her life this way? Feeling unloveable and unattractive?
Benjispruce4 · 18/04/2022 09:11

No need to insult my reading skills.Hmm
I’m referring to the one liners of ‘Leave him!’
‘Yes it’s over!’
Always surprises me how quick petard to jump on poster’s lives with such certainty. It warrants a seriously talk not a knee jerk reaction. Everything seems worse at night, lying in the dark with your feelings hurt.

Benjispruce4 · 18/04/2022 09:12

*people are

BabCNesbitt · 18/04/2022 09:13

@Xfan

When and if you have children assuming you don't endure any significant birth injuries to your vagina/pelvic floor (which can also get damaged during pregnancy) you won't have the time or energy for sex for a while.
And she isn’t there yet. So surely she should be allowed to enjoy sex now?
Workinghardeveryday · 18/04/2022 09:13

Sorry you are going through this op.

My thoughts are that the laughing it off was because he was caught off guard and he didn’t mean to hurt you.

Porn, Ed, testosterone levels, depression, hate to say but could there be another woman?

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2022 09:14

@Xfan

When and if you have children assuming you don't endure any significant birth injuries to your vagina/pelvic floor (which can also get damaged during pregnancy) you won't have the time or energy for sex for a while.
What the hell?

What's that comment supposed to mean?

Firstly, they aren't having any sex, aren't married & seem (right now, as OP herself said) very unlikely to have DC

Secondly, women return to sex at varying times & durations after childbirth. There isn't one 'rule'.

Musttryharder2021 · 18/04/2022 09:18

Why do people keep saying it's a mismatch in their libidos when they started out having the same levels?

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 09:18

Thanks everyone, I’ll speak to him tonight after work.

On the affair front, I can’t see it but of course I’m not naive enough in any way, shape or form to say 100% no. BUT he works in a job with set holiday leave (due to the industry) so couldn’t take days off without me knowing as it is a set calendar of annual leave weeks, he comes home at the same time every night, never stays late, not secretive with his phone, only goes out with the lads once every few weeks. He plays football/runs a couple times a week but he plays football with my brother in law so of course if he wasn’t actually at training BIL would ask why (my sisters husband) and the running he’s out for half a hour once a week. So yeah, can never say 100%, people always find a way but I just don’t see how and when.

It could be a testosterone issue or he could just not fancy sex. Which if that’s the case then of course I can’t force him nor would I want to. A mutually enjoyable, healthy sex life is what I want, nothing else.

I do feel really sad today. I feel like tonight we’ll talk and nothing will
Improve or he’ll blow our lives apart with some revelation. And I’ll either sweep it under the carpet because I love him and love our life, destroy every ounce of self esteem I have left and eventually leave through pure resentment or we’ll split up. Both are terrifying, heart stopping prospects but I know which I’d rather

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 18/04/2022 09:18

@Benjispruce4

No need to insult my reading skills.Hmm I’m referring to the one liners of ‘Leave him!’ ‘Yes it’s over!’ Always surprises me how quick petard to jump on poster’s lives with such certainty. It warrants a seriously talk not a knee jerk reaction. Everything seems worse at night, lying in the dark with your feelings hurt.
The Op says they have had many serious talks. She has been dealing with this for years.

It’s a bit insultIng and demeaning to her to say that it’s a “ knee jerk reaction “ and that it “ warrants a serious talk “. Did you even read the OPs first and subsequent posts ?

You seem to be projecting your own issues and not actually talking about the @JJJJETS situation.