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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
Strawvanilla · 17/04/2022 23:57

Just wanted to share a reflection with you that my marriage wasn't a swinging from the rooftop kind of relationship and one day I'd got dressed up and had hair done etc, and the ex said something to me that stays with me to this day. It's eaten away at me and I think I'm unlovable and it comes down to his statement and not worthy of sex.
If your partner will not discuss this or try, I think you do need to leave. Don't end up it being the elephant in the room. You are worth more than that

spotcheck · 17/04/2022 23:58

@JJJJETS

And really ugly and unlovable.
Yep. That's what being in a sexless relationship does...
Original poster
JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:59

We are 29 and 32 (I’m 29). So, we are so young. I’m a nurse and I have patients who are elderly who happily tell me how active their sex lives are and I sit there laughing with them thinking bloody hell, they’re getting more action than I am!

Maybe porn? We obviously go to sleep together every night and wake up together every morning, I’m a light, restless sleeper and I’ve never woken and he’s not been there or on his phone or anything so not too sure when he would be watching porn, he’s works in an office in a busy job so not even as if he can be watching it in the day or anything.

I do not want to end things. At all. And I know it’s so easy to think oh just walk away because it’s entered my mind but then what. And it isn’t really that easy, even though we haven’t got kids we have a house we love, share all the same friends, our family’s are really close, we get on great, he’s been my rock through several hard times, I adore the bones of him etc etc. BUT here we are. Walking away from him Is walking away from my whole life if that makes sense. All because he won’t have sex with me! As I say when we do it it’s amazing, it just doesn’t happen often enough

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 00:03

Yeah maybe he isn’t in love with me. Maybe he can’t face having sex with me because he just doesn’t feel that way about me?

I’ve always had lots of sex, both in relationships and when I was single, I always had a ‘lover’ (cheesy way of phrasing it 🤣) so this is quite new to me in the sense that I never knew people of our age/good health just didn’t have sex.

I think tomorrow I’m going to sit him down. And lay it all out on the line. That I cannot carry on like this, it is is destroying my self esteem, hurting my heart and things need to change. IF something is going on with him then he can tell me, he knows he can, he’s confided lots of stuff with me, we are very close.

But maybe I am being totally naive with it all, and like I say maybe I give him the ick or whatever the phrase is. But whatever it this I can’t carry on like this it is as simple as thag

OP posts:
Maze76 · 18/04/2022 00:05

OP, you stated that you have been very affectionate this weekend, which makes me think that your partner might possible have ED.
I bet he has no idea how hurtful he is been and was probably trying to laugh off your advances because he’s afraid he can’t perform.
I do hope you are able to have an honest conversation tomorrow.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 00:12

The laughing it off is what hurts the most, if he said I’m way too tired, we have work in the morning, ate too much food etc, yeah I would understand. But I’ve built up the courage (which in itself is a ridiculous statement, we’re an adult couple!!!!!) to proposition him and his awkward laugh is just so embarrassing.

OP posts:
TheChronicalTales · 18/04/2022 00:15

@SparklingLime

The totally checking out… porn?
Came on to say this. My ex DP became like this because he was choosing to watch porn over sex and completely desensitised himself to having actual sex.

This is how literally it began every time he started using porn again before I left him.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 00:16

You need to end it, and as soon as possible. You will massively regret it if you don't.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:19

It's not necessarily that he doesn't love you. DP and I are both lucky and unlucky... we both have low sex drives. Never been massively bothered. Every 4 weeks is normal for us, we've discussed it, we love kissing and are very in love. We're just not that fussed over sex/don't get the urge that much.

Maybe discuss it. He might just have a low sex drive. I find my partner gorgeous and hot. I'm just usually not in the mood and neither is he.

Talk. If you can deal with the lack of sex as long as you know he loves you good. If not then yeah, a breakup may be needed.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 00:21

I know it’s the end. I KNOW it is. But it’s bloody hard to rectify that thought in my mind. We are going travelling in June for 3 months, we have everything planned. And it feels like the silliest thing to end things over when in fact it’s the biggest thing as it represents everything doesn’t it.

It represents our love, our communication, who we are as a couple, everything really.

I’m just feeling really, really sad tonight. Sadder than I ever thought possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 00:22

He does act like he’s in love with me, but maybe he just cares for me greatly. What a mess 😢

OP posts:
Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:22

It's not necessarily that he doesn't love you. DP and I are both lucky and unlucky... we both have low sex drives. Never been massively bothered. Every 4 weeks is normal for us, we've discussed it, we love kissing and are very in love. We're just not that fussed over sex/don't get the urge that much.

Maybe discuss it. He might just have a low sex drive. I find my partner gorgeous and hot. I'm just usually not in the mood and neither is he.

Talk. If you can deal with the lack of sex as long as you know he loves you good. If not then yeah, a breakup may be needed.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:25

If you had a period of no sex that can very wel switch off the libido a bit. The more you have the more you want it, the less you have the less you have the urge IME

Comefromaway · 18/04/2022 00:26

Why does it have to be the end? Sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. I’d be happy if I never had sex again to be honest. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or want to be with him.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:28

And while sex may mean all that to you... it doesn't to everyone. To me it's just a pleasurable thing we do sometimes. Our relationship is far beyond and more than that.

So you NEED to talk to him about it. As it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he doesn't fancy you. Imagine if everyone in the world felt the same about everything... so why would they about sex?

CatAndHisKit · 18/04/2022 00:30

You say he's healthy, but he may hae undiagnosed health issues - how is his energy generally?
Or he may be one of those (quite a few!) who just gets bored with monogamy a few years into a relationship. He still loves you what with general affection and closeness, but may need 'novelty' to feel strong desire.

Some couples manage to go around that by doing something more kinky or even by spending a bit of time apart regularly to 'miss' each other, or some kind of change. Especially if your daily routine is very samey. Is he more sexual when you go on holiday for example? Sometimes just planning some mini breaks / weekends away together may help. Ask him, for sure!

colouringindoors · 18/04/2022 00:31

I know it’s the end. I KNOW it is. But it’s bloody hard to rectify that thought in my mind. We are going travelling in June for 3 months, we have everything planned. And it feels like the silliest thing to end things over when in fact it’s the biggest thing as it represents everything doesn’t it.

You know. And it really is Not the silliest thing. It's the ultimate expression of intimacy.

💐

Rockandrollsoul · 18/04/2022 00:34

It all depends on how important sex is to you.

From the pattern you have described it will probably fall into once/twice a year then once a year then not at all. I eoukdbt be able to put up with that.

So you will be living like roommates. Further down the line you will probably cheat on him (sounds harsh but if you are sexual and he isn't making you feel sexy, all it takes is attention from someone else and it would be very hard to say no).

I would just talk to him and say this isn't going to work you are a nice guy but sex is an important part of a relationship to me and we aren't matched.

He will likely give you the I will try more/get my testosterone tested/i do fancy you etc etc and he may try for a month and then it will revert back.

You don't have kids, get out there and be with a man that wants your body and marks you feel sexy, before you are 45 kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. You only get one life!

Good luck!

Juniper68 · 18/04/2022 00:38

I had this. How I managed to get 2 dcs is a miracle. Exdh adored me but didn't like sex. Like you I'd been active before him.
I left and had fun then met dh. I was 40 when I met him.
I hope you get some answers. I truly feel for you. It's the loneliest of places.

Amethystbluexo · 18/04/2022 00:39
Flowers
Juniper68 · 18/04/2022 00:40

Btw you aren't ugly and unlovable. I was smoking. Still not bad. It's not about that it's about them. But I did feel there must be something wrong with me at the time. It was when I got away I realised there wasn't.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 00:45

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate everyone’s advice.

I keep thinking to Sex Education on netlfix with Adams mum & dad who just had the most boring, platonic relationship with no sex. I don’t want my life to be like that.

He’s really fit, no body issues at all, he’s really good looking, keeps fit but not a gym goer (so no worries about steroids etc), lots of running, football, we swim a few times a week.

As I said when we met and for the first couple of years we had sex pretty much every night, then it slowed and slowed and ground to a stop. If we both weren’t bothered about sex then that’s fine, but I am. And when we do do it he’s really into it, giving, and he’s really good in bed! I need to really think this through,it’s true I’ll probably break down tomorrow, tell him how I feel, he’ll say he didn’t realise, he’s sorry he’s made me feel this way, he loves me etc and I’ll feel like every time we have sex for the next few weeks it’ll be a pity shag through guilt

Or he’ll say he doesn’t love me/fancy me and cant bring himself to have sex with me.

Not sure which is worse? Genuinely if you met me/us you wouldn’t know this is what’s happening at home. We have lots of couple friends who we socialise with and even my own, single friends and all of them say how strong we are, how we are ‘couple goals’ etc. I have confided in a couple of friends about the lack of sex and they’ve all be pretty much ‘well
You’ll get through this’. Which is what i want but at the same time life is too short for this crap!

I’m off to bed now, work in the morning. But I will come back and update once I have spoken to him. Thanks again

OP posts:
Comtesse · 18/04/2022 00:47

You’re 29? Oh love, this is not going to work. I don’t think he deserves your thirties as well Flowers

Jewel52 · 18/04/2022 00:49

Just wondering how this would would be perceived if it was a man writing about a woman who hadn’t wanted sex on demand. The Op is giving loads of positives about their relationship, including a really healthy sex life in their past. So many of these responses seem to be built on a stereotype of “men are always up for it”. Just talk about what’s going on and why the awkwardness around her initiating sex but without sexist assumptions that men should be constantly horny

Emelene · 18/04/2022 01:01

Sounds really tough OP. Have you/ would you consider psychosexual counselling? You can pay for it privately through organisations like Relate. I had a situation in my marriage when after some pelvic pain I really struggled with intimacy and the counselling helped a lot. Just a suggestion, as it sounds like there’s a lot of positives in your relationship?