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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
Jackofallsorts · 18/04/2022 12:26

Do you communicate about sex? Is it a conversation topic between you both or is it rarely talked about?
Have you both talked honestly about what you'd like from the physical side of the relationship?

It sounds like there is a fundamental lack of communication here. To be honest, if sex was as irregular as you suggest, it's going to cause problems when one partner makes a move or indicates they are in the mood. It doesn't work that way for most.
You both have to form the habit of sexual communication and you both have an equal responsibility to it.

Macanncheese · 18/04/2022 12:35

Oh he has to go I'm going through similar too and I've got one foot out of the door!

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 18/04/2022 12:38

@slashlover

There isn’t anything I feel like I can’t talk about with him except for this. I had an issue with my pelvis which caused bleeding and pain for a while and that obviously put a stop to things for a bit but it was all rectified. The last time we spoke about the lack of sex he said he was scared of hurting me, I assured him that I was no longer in pain and it was fine. But I also feel like that was just an excuse really, a good way to get an out.

Why are you so dismissive of this?

Could you take sex off of the table completely for a while and instead focus on non-penetration?

I agree. I think he's scared of hurting her. OP has completely dismissed his concerns and it seems they've both buried their heads in the sand about this. Get talking and it will come out.
Hollywolly1 · 18/04/2022 13:26

I don't believe the op's partner has an issue around sex,I think he's very likely getting it elsewhere or certainly his head has been turned

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 13:48

I haven’t dismissed his concerns in the slightest, the pelvic issue was before lockdown, and the conversation about it was over a year ago, I reassured him he wasn’t hurting me in any way and I was fine. I have 0 issues now!

OP posts:
TalkingCat · 18/04/2022 13:59

Good luck for tonight OP. I think he needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is it, you want it fixed/an answer or it's over for good. He can't be under the misapprehension that you'll just accept him promising he'll change and nothing does. This time it's it.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 18/04/2022 14:01

@JJJJETS

I haven’t dismissed his concerns in the slightest, the pelvic issue was before lockdown, and the conversation about it was over a year ago, I reassured him he wasn’t hurting me in any way and I was fine. I have 0 issues now!
You might not have issues but he might have them. It's very possible that he's got the fear.
Juniper68 · 18/04/2022 14:17

Good luck for tonight

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 15:13

Lots of people have issues with sex and it can take a long time to sort them out, but it will happen if you are patient and address it gently but deliberately

For every couple who manage to sort this out, there are multiples of that who DO NOT sort it out no matter how patient they are or how gently they address it.

larkstar · 18/04/2022 15:49

Unpalatable a thought as it might be - could he be in the habit of paying for sex elsewhere? I mention this as I know of one married and one eternally single guy who have long standing habits - both have been doing this for years. They quickly got dropped as friends although one is in our extended circle of friends.

Hont1986 · 18/04/2022 16:00

I've learnt a lot on this thread. Next time one comes up with a husband complaining about his wife's low libido, I'll be sure to let him know that she's addicted to porn, having an affair, and visiting prostitutes. And also that the problem is definitely not fixable and they should split up asap.

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 16:07

@Hont1986

I've learnt a lot on this thread. Next time one comes up with a husband complaining about his wife's low libido, I'll be sure to let him know that she's addicted to porn, having an affair, and visiting prostitutes. And also that the problem is definitely not fixable and they should split up asap.
The OP has tried to fix it lots of times!

Also when men post on here about a lack of sex, they normally get berated and attacked by most rather than people telling them out straight it probably won't change.

I feel like people think they are doing the woman a favour because he might take a little bit of pressure off her, but they are not really helping anyone.....because in those situations the woman often will have some very occasional sex (even though more than likely she doesn't want it). She's still having sex she doesn't want....and she is still going to be in a relationship with all of the associated issues such as tension and upset that occurs in sexless relationships. It's not like if the person stops asking that the problem is solved!!

So you really should tell him the problem isn't fixable, because it's more than likely accurate and they would both be better off in the long run!!

Anon778833 · 18/04/2022 16:11

@Hont1986

I've learnt a lot on this thread. Next time one comes up with a husband complaining about his wife's low libido, I'll be sure to let him know that she's addicted to porn, having an affair, and visiting prostitutes. And also that the problem is definitely not fixable and they should split up asap.

That's such a stupid post. Men and women don't behave the same way. They just don't. You can't come out with crap like this and expect people to take it seriously.

When was the last time you saw any evidence that there is a demand for women seeking male prostitutes? So ridiculous.

FawnDrenched · 18/04/2022 16:28

Many years ago my very 'always up for it' Dh suffered for quite a while and it was work related stress which also affected him with not being able to maintain an erection. This meant he would turn the offer of sex down as he felt unable to perform as he carried around the shame of it. It was an ever decreasing spiral.

Once he left the job and without any further intervention everything was magically fixed. Only then did we realise it was stress. I really felt for him as he was beating himself up for being 'inadequate' etc. Maybe I should have spotted it but with two young kids at the time I had a lot to juggle.

If you do have a conversation I would suggest being kind, gentle and allow him to speak if he is able.

gannett · 18/04/2022 16:48

@TalkingCat

Good luck for tonight OP. I think he needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is it, you want it fixed/an answer or it's over for good. He can't be under the misapprehension that you'll just accept him promising he'll change and nothing does. This time it's it.
Trying to imagine a husband whose wife's libido had decreased telling her in no uncertain terms that he wanted it fixed or it's over for good and honestly my head is spinning.
gannett · 18/04/2022 16:53

Men and women don't behave the same way. They just don't.

The rallying cry of everyone who'd seek to keep us trapped in gender stereotypes!

Honestly it's shocking that so many women, who I assume understand that our libido fluctuates according to a vast number of things, are unable to understand that the same can apply to men? Or have you really bought into the "always up for it at all times" stereotype, which is hugely damaging to men and a big reason that they're unwilling to talk through these issues in the way we'd like?

Anon778833 · 18/04/2022 17:08

@gannett

Men and women don't behave the same way. They just don't.

The rallying cry of everyone who'd seek to keep us trapped in gender stereotypes!

Honestly it's shocking that so many women, who I assume understand that our libido fluctuates according to a vast number of things, are unable to understand that the same can apply to men? Or have you really bought into the "always up for it at all times" stereotype, which is hugely damaging to men and a big reason that they're unwilling to talk through these issues in the way we'd like?

Ok, let me ask you the following questions;
  1. Why is there more of a demand for female prostitution than there is male prostitution?
  1. Would you agree that most sex offenders are men? If so, why?
  1. Do we live in a world where women have to pretend they like a man so that the man will sleep with her? If not, why not?

Just because you want to live in an ideal world, that does not mean we actually do.

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 17:16

@gannett

Men and women don't behave the same way. They just don't.

The rallying cry of everyone who'd seek to keep us trapped in gender stereotypes!

Honestly it's shocking that so many women, who I assume understand that our libido fluctuates according to a vast number of things, are unable to understand that the same can apply to men? Or have you really bought into the "always up for it at all times" stereotype, which is hugely damaging to men and a big reason that they're unwilling to talk through these issues in the way we'd like?

Stereotypes can be helpful. Our brain does it naturally to help us understand people and situations so that we can narrow stuff down etc.

As that poster said there's no evidence that there is female demand for male prostitutes...however with men, there's a possibility.

For women, one reason for a low libido could be the contraception that she's on, for men that's not a possibility

For women lack of interest in sex is very unlikely to be porn addiction, for men it's a very real possibility.

For women it could be because she's breastfeeding and/or touched out. For men they can't be breastfeeding......touched out? well I suppose it's a possibility if they're a hands on SAHP.

For some things it's the same, stress etc.. but it's just silly to ignore all stereotypes when dealing with things like this!

WTF475878237NC · 18/04/2022 17:26

There's stereotypes and then there's sex based differences that have been studied by researchers.

gannett · 18/04/2022 17:35

*Ok, let me ask you the following questions;

  1. Why is there more of a demand for female prostitution than there is male prostitution?
  1. Would you agree that most sex offenders are men? If so, why?
  1. Do we live in a world where women have to pretend they like a man so that the man will sleep with her? If not, why not?*

As interesting as these questions are, in the name of actually sticking to what the thread is about, I'd ask what relevance the answers would have to an individual man with a lower sex drive.

HailAdrian · 18/04/2022 17:43

I'd suggest an open relationship

Anon778833 · 18/04/2022 17:43

@gannett

*Ok, let me ask you the following questions;
  1. Why is there more of a demand for female prostitution than there is male prostitution?
  1. Would you agree that most sex offenders are men? If so, why?
  1. Do we live in a world where women have to pretend they like a man so that the man will sleep with her? If not, why not?*

As interesting as these questions are, in the name of actually sticking to what the thread is about, I'd ask what relevance the answers would have to an individual man with a lower sex drive.

There are always exceptions to the rule. But the most obvious explanation is usually the correct one.

The questions are completely relevant to the thread because you’ve just said that there is no need for gender stereotypes and I’ve just made the point of why that’s not the real world.

gannett · 18/04/2022 17:53

The questions are completely relevant to the thread because you’ve just said that there is no need for gender stereotypes and I’ve just made the point of why that’s not the real world.

Well the gender stereotype in question isn't about male sex offenders, it's about whether men can have reasons for a lower sex drive that aren't because he's gay or seeing sex workers.

The idea of a man who isn't a walking erection up for shagging at all times seems to be beyond many posters on this thread, or if they do grasp that he exists then he's a problem to either be medicalised and solved, or to be ditched.

beachcitygirl · 18/04/2022 17:54

My heart breaking for you OP. Been there & it's soul destroying. Ignore some of the objectionable harpies on here.
Hope the talk goes ok Thanks

TalkingCat · 18/04/2022 17:59

@gannett The problem is the OP has tried to talk to him so many times, and he won't do anything about it. Even a GP visit. And yes, like every other poster on here has said, my advice certainly would be the same if the OP were a man.

I remind you they're in their 20s. They're not in their 50s. With no children. And the OP's partner is making her feel feel ugly, rejected and unloved. It's not fair to her.

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