Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

[JJJJETS]

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

@JJJJETS

So we basically ended it with me crying, him completely closed off and us getting ni further. He clearly does not care

He's playing his cards very close to his chest.He should have been reassuring but he wasn't and I wonder why that is.He knows your spidy radar has gone off but doesn't seem to care. All this work pressure doesn't seem to be affecting his sports activities or his little alone time but only affecting you as a couple together, I think he's being sneaky and not forthcoming and just biding his time,at least if there is someone else or even if just someone on his mind he needs to set you free but remember you are not stuck as you have the option of setting yourself free regardless of whats happening

Thanks everyone. I’ve told him I’m going to stay with my sister for a couple of nights, he said I was over reacting but if that’s what I want to do then he won’t stop me. Such a mess.

I think both of you would be better off with different partners, you obviously put more emphasis on the physical part of the relationship than he does, and it almost sounds as if in the past he was having sex with you through duty rather then enjoyment, your sex drives sound quite mismatched right now.

Hi OP- my marriage was exactly like this from around your age. We met each other when we were 25 and by the time I was 29, sex was every couple of months, if that, and it just wasn’t passionate, spontaneous or fun really. I didn’t divorce until I was 36 after many rounds of the situation you have just described (last straw for me, I get upset, we argue, he tries to dismiss and demean my feelings as over reacting and dramatic, he feels bad and says he will try more, repeat repeat repeat).

If this is important to you, don’t settle for less. It will destroy you and you will hardly recognise yourself in a few years. For me, it crept into all aspects of my life and really affected my happiness and quality of life.

It will be worth some pain now to know that much happier times lie ahead.

You're not over reacting, you're taking time out to think. He clearly just thinks you should put up and shut up.

I've been in a similar situation OP but I was the one who didn't want sex. End it. There's something fundamentally wrong. Don't settle for half a relationship.

It doesn’t matter what he is or isn’t doing, the fact is that you’re not happy, and he isn’t doing anything about it.
Think about where you want to be in 5/10 years time and work towards it.

Hi OP. I can totally relate to you. We are similar ages etc, and I too have had some really sad times due to mismatch in libido. At the beginning there was loads of sex and it gradually got less. But we love each other so much, he is my soul mate, and I know he feels the same, we both say we couldn’t imagine life without each other. I had to sit him down quite a few times to talk about it and once I’d get him to actually speak and not be closed/embarrassed, I think it boils down to performance anxiety. I had to pretty much give an ultimatum that we have to prioritise sex and making time for you each other etc if we want to stay together... So far so good, it’s not as spontaneous like it used to be but we make time for it, we’re now married and expecting our first baby and still blissfully happy. Will it come between us in the future? Who knows.. I’ll cross that bridge “if” I come to it. But for now we are working at it and I know it’s important to him not to upset me, that’s enough for me.

Thought it would help you to hear someone who has a positive out of it but it really depends on his commitment to try and make it better and also how much your willing to sacrifice if it might not change in X amount of time. Are you at the point where it’s a deal breaker for you. Feel free to PM if you need a chat, good luck xx

Time apart sounds very sensible. Fwiw I am not sure what you can do if he's not willing to talk and seriously address this issue.

Good for you to take time out and think. The relationship before the one I had now became sexless. It’s soul destroying. I ended it as I realised how important to me the closeness of the physical part of the union was for me. I am now in a matched libido relationship and it’s the best thing. Don’t let him dismiss how you feel and how important sex is for you. I am in my late 50s too and still know how important it is for me to have a good sex life.

FFS, he just wasn't in the mood. He was caught by surprise as both parties haven't been intimate for a awhile. He might have stuffed his face and had wind or something or anything. To me this is a complete over reaction given the event.

However our hearts and intuition can flag problems, so I am not dismissing the OP's concerns.

But to jump to the immediate conclusion of affair is rather propostorous. Or that he is some kind of closeted porn addict. This is all presumptuous, and talking is the only way through it. The OP is far further into the topic and conversation in mind. Let him ruminate, talk again. Say you miss the intimacy, ask how and if it could be rekindled and go from there.

Good. No way are you over reacting!

@litterbird

Good for you to take time out and think. The relationship before the one I had now became sexless. It’s soul destroying. I ended it as I realised how important to me the closeness of the physical part of the union was for me. I am now in a matched libido relationship and it’s the best thing. Don’t let him dismiss how you feel and how important sex is for you. I am in my late 50s too and still know how important it is for me to have a good sex life.

@litterbird Out of interest, are you on HRT? How does it affect libido?

He can be fit and still have a medical issue. Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked. It's a simple blood test. You should at least rule it out as a possible explanation.

@MissConductUS

He can be fit and still have a medical issue. Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked. It's a simple blood test. You should at least rule it out as a possible explanation.

But he can still manage his alone time so he doesn't seem affected that way iyswim,I think the op didn't just suddenly decide the other night he was putting her off as this obviously has subconsciously bothered her for a while now.I think she is listening to her gut here and knows something is not right but the problem is her partner is not conversing with her so now she has to make decisions based on her gut feelings

@HoleLottaLove

FFS, he just wasn't in the mood. He was caught by surprise as both parties haven't been intimate for a awhile. He might have stuffed his face and had wind or something or anything. To me this is a complete over reaction given the event.

However our hearts and intuition can flag problems, so I am not dismissing the OP's concerns.

But to jump to the immediate conclusion of affair is rather propostorous. Or that he is some kind of closeted porn addict. This is all presumptuous, and talking is the only way through it. The OP is far further into the topic and conversation in mind. Let him ruminate, talk again. Say you miss the intimacy, ask how and if it could be rekindled and go from there.

But he’s NEVER in the mood tho’ … that’s the point!!! So much so, that @JJJJETS has actually got to “pluck up the courage” to initiate sex with him. Instead of that just being a natural thing that happens initiated by either person.

And when she does - which made her vulnerable - he responds in a hurtful laughing way (doubtless to cover his own issues, pride and realisation that their sex life has gone waaaaaay off course for two healthy young people).

Don’t let him minimise this. The fact that he tried to pin it to work stress when it’s been going on MUCH longer, and wouldn’t talk to you about it properly - not good. He can’t shame you about this. You’ve been patient but I admire you for speaking out.

Maybe send him a letter or email carefully spelling out what is good about your relationship but without using blame language ie you won’t have sex etc - set out in black and white what your sec life had become. And ask what he suggests you do as a team to get back to something good. Because it won’t happen by magic …

Hope you’re ok Op.

Here's an example of what could happen if he took your concerns seriously and wanted to improve things, based on what happened with a friend of mine. He could make extra effort to be affectionate and warm otherwise, to reassure you that you are wanted and attractive. He could go to the doctor for blood tests/ screening for medical issues. He could see a sex therapist, and you could both go to couples counselling. Sex therapists say actually with many couples who seek help, it's the man who has lost his libido. Typically they suggest exercises eg focus on sensual touch for a while, not sex, etc. This may not help - the longer a relationship is sexless the harder it is to fix, and the relationship may just have run its course.

There's a world of difference between this, and just shutting down and refusing to discuss the issue or making you feel like a sex pest.
As PPs have said, in this sort of situation, the partner who's content to live like flatmates isn't the one who's going to face up to the problem. It takes bravery to walk over this, but at your ages and with no kids, this is the easiest time to either walk away or seriously focus on a trial period to see if it improves. This article on preventing a sexless relationship is good on the topic and worth a read.

I don't think he's that attracted to you anymore but doesn't want to say it.
He's capable of wanking, he has the desire but not choosing to be intimate with you.

So much so, that @JJJJETS has actually got to “pluck up the courage” to initiate sex with him. Instead of that just being a natural thing that happens initiated by either person.

I don’t really understand this comment, if everything was as good as the OP makes out, why would anyone need to “pluck up the courage”, to initiate sex, it just be an ordinary and normal thing to do, which might suggest the the OP doesn’t ever really initiate sex at all, but relies on her partner to do it.

@JJJJETS

Thanks everyone. I’ve told him I’m going to stay with my sister for a couple of nights, he said I was over reacting but if that’s what I want to do then he won’t stop me. Such a mess.

He only feels you are over reacting as this issue is not a big problem for him. He's perfectly content. He sees having sex as a chore and far from finding it relaxing after a busy day, he feels he's too tired. Clearly he has desire in him but he's disconnected it from you.

Your original point was that it would have been a natural progression after having downtime together. He reacted like his best friends mum had propositioned him. WTF!

You simply deserve better. To be cherished and desired. He's just your roomie/friend and that is clearly not what you want.

Great to take time out. Breaks ups are painful but they clear the way for new growth.

You've got this 💪💪💪

I don't think you need to break-up...not yet! It sounds like you have a great relationship apart from this one issue.

Like you said, he's being defensive. And maybe that's because he's ashamed? Men like to make out that they're always horny and getting it all the time and he doesn't fit with this which can be difficult for men...they're so susceptible to peer pressure (usually) and he might feel 'different' to other men.

Have you tried to talk to him but take yourself out of the issue? This isn't about him not being sexually attracted to you. This is about him having a low libido. He sees ejaculation as stress relief rather than the end product of sharing intimate time with the person he loves. Sex therapy could help or at least work out what the 'issue' is and then you can work out if it's something you can cope with or something that is a relationship ender. Don't make this about you...leave your ego behind for now...focus on what the issue might be. So many relationships needlessly end over this.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

So much so, that @JJJJETS has actually got to “pluck up the courage” to initiate sex with him. Instead of that just being a natural thing that happens initiated by either person.

I don’t really understand this comment, if everything was as good as the OP makes out, why would anyone need to “pluck up the courage”, to initiate sex, it just be an ordinary and normal thing to do, which might suggest the the OP doesn’t ever really initiate sex at all, but relies on her partner to do it.

I disagree. I took that as meaning how awkward their sex life has become BECAUSE he never wants to do it. Never initiates and so it becomes the elephant in the room … Certainly that was my experience of a sexless r ship so maybe I’m extrapolating.

I don’t think OP has mentioned whether it was her OH ego initiated primarily when they had a good sex life. She just said they did it most days. Ime when that’s the case it just “happens” naturally rather than one person initiating.

Good that you are taking time out away.

Being brave is never easy but the rewards are that you move forward.

You know this is where you are and are not moving forward.

You are so young.

Be brave.

You are no longer suited.

@JJJJETS I can't help but wonder why YOU should be the one to leave? Why can't he go to a friend/family's place for a few days? I know it was your suggestion but I think we all know what he'll be up to whilst you're gone. You shouldn't have to go anywhere

Does he just not have the energy for sex? Having a wank requires much less effort. Could you suggest to him that you masturbate together so you're having that sexual intimacy together but with no pressure on him to have sex and see if that slowly progresses into you having more sex? Alternatively could you ask him to stop completely for a while so that he is more horny and not being satisfied by masturbation? It might just be that he's tired and got himself into a bit of a rut perhaps? He really needs to be willing to talk though otherwise it's very difficult to resolve anything.

I think you are very brave to address this now. It’s all to easy to bump along and then be in same situation in 5 or 10 years time. It’s not going to improve with more time elapsing or if you add children etc.
It doesn’t matter what reason is he’s not communicating with you.
I think all you can do it talk and make clear a sexless relationship is not for you it’s not just sex it’s the rejection and how feel. It will eat away at you. You are young.