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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 18/04/2022 18:10

I hope you get this sorted OP and your talk goes ok x

Wingingit15 · 18/04/2022 18:11

OP, I hope the talk goes well. I think you should spell out your unhappiness out of fairness before making any dramatic decisions

CrowUpNorth · 18/04/2022 18:21

If everything else is good sex / relationship therapy? Seems a shame to throw what you have away if jt is fixable.

Hont1986 · 18/04/2022 18:23

The problem is the OP has tried to talk to him so many times, and he won't do anything about it

We don't know that. The only thing OP has said about that is "we have had long conversations about the lack of sex before", so there have been multiple but we don't know how many, what was said, or how recently.

It also sounds like OP is not the one who initiates. She says she 'worked up the courage to initiate' this time, she also said something like she doesn't want to have to ask. She also said that 'we' have let the sex situation slide.

Last time they talked about the lack of sex he gave his reason why he is uncomfortable and OP gave her answer that she is fine now which may be true but doesn't really acknowledge or deal with the feelings he might have towards sex. Maybe he still has unprocessed emotions regarding sex with her that she is happy to blaze past but he isn't. Maybe he is tired of always initiating. Maybe the weight gain is an issue even if he does make reassuring comments outside the bedroom.

CrowUpNorth · 18/04/2022 18:26

When you were having pelvic issues how were you when you attempted sex? Did he get traumatised by hurting you unintentionally? Did you get distressed? Did that impact on other parts of your relationship at the time? Does he trust that if you say it doesn't hurt any more it really doesn't? I'd struggle to get in the mood if I thought even subconsciously I'd be hurting my DP.

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 18:41

No, my pelvic issues never hurt me sex wise, obviously made certain positions awkward but it was literally over a course of a couple of months then it was sorted. It was more an inconvenience than anything.

I finish work at 8, haven’t really spoken today which in itself is unusual. We’ll see what happens when I get home

OP posts:
Puddinandpie · 18/04/2022 18:48

Placemarking

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 18/04/2022 18:50

If this is the first time the OP has ever initiated sex with her partner, been turned down is never an enjoyable experience, but certainly not the end of the relationship, men get turned down and don’t immediately jump to being the end of the world.
However a general slowdown in sex does suggest a miss match in sexual expectations, that could spell the end of the relationship

YukoandHiro · 18/04/2022 18:58

Good luck OP. I hope it turns out to be something surmountable, but you're so young that if you have any doubts you really should give yourself the gift of freedom and independence as you head into your 30s xxx

mothertrucking · 18/04/2022 18:59

@JJJJETS I hope if you do talk it goes well.

I've been in this situation for too long now and this thread has if anything prompted me to say something - again to my DP. Unfortunately I know from past experience nothing will change no matter what I say, he doesn't even make any extra effort at all. I hope your DP is willing to listen and be at least willing to meet you halfway.

Hollywolly1 · 18/04/2022 19:06

Its just a pity that the op is having to drag this out of him,if he's having problems which I don't believe he is for one minute as he's very active going to the gym,running and swimming etc.
I think the op's partner might suggest a break but if he's with someone else she will be very lucky if he tells her and not to drag it out for months on end that would be torture.
The op feels something is off and she's likely correct

EarthSight · 18/04/2022 19:13

I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to)

How often is he masturbating? If he's doing it regularly, either he has some kind of psychological trauma he doesn't want to share with you, or he just doesn't see you in a sexual way anymore. My sympathises. To be in this situation after only 5 years of being together with no children is sad.

TeatimeGlitter · 18/04/2022 19:15

Hi OP,

I don't have any specific advice for you, but I just wanted to remind you that you're beautiful and that you deserve to feel desired.

Whenever I have had a dead bedroom it's usually due to emotional issues in the relationship that have gone unaddressed and killed off the desire (i.e. there was no point talking about the lack of sex, the only important thing was to talk about resentment/anger/sadness that had accrued, which then resolved the issue), but it doesn't sound like it's that if you say that the connection is emotionally healthy and no other relationship issues to report.

I don't know if you're a Redditor, but there's a thread on Reddit called /r/DeadBedrooms. I recommend having a read through as reading other people's stories and responses from people who were in/are currently in the same boat could possibly help you to feel less alone in this.

Sending a big hug, things will be ok, no matter what you decide.

Hont1986 · 18/04/2022 19:16

How often is he masturbating? If he's doing it regularly, either he has some kind of psychological trauma he doesn't want to share with you

Confused
LMK14 · 18/04/2022 21:01

Jesus some of these comments i just can't deal.
Talk about jumping to conclusions.

Just talk too the poor guy and find out what's going on...then make your decision.

GettingItOutThere · 18/04/2022 21:45

Your 29 OP and he never wants sex, been there honestly and end it. It will get better for a month or so to keep you happy then go back to this. Don't waste your best years begging for sex. It makes you feel absoultely shite

end it, move on and have a wonderful life with someone else - and do it before you have this mans children!

OkPedro · 18/04/2022 21:46

That's what the op said she's doing after work today LMK14

TedMullins · 18/04/2022 22:15

How did it go talking to him OP? Hope you’re ok.

SophieSoSo · 18/04/2022 22:20

I hope you’re ok OP x

NewYorkCityDreamer · 18/04/2022 23:12

I hope things are okay, OP

Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 23:22

Hi everyone.

We had a talk when I got home. Basically he became defensive and said he’s been having a hard time at work for the last few months getting everything ready for his time off and that I don’t understand how stressful it is. He said he doesn’t understand why I put so much weight on sex when everything else is so good. I asked him about masturbation, he said he does it once/twice a week. I said can you not see how this is hurtful when we barely touch and he said it is totally different.

I said I understand work has been stressful and sometimes after a hard day sex is the last thing you want to do but that 2/3 months, what about all the time proceeding that? I said without sex we are basically really good friends. He was becoming more and more defensive and wasn’t really willing to talk about anything 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 23:32

So we basically ended it with me crying, him completely closed off and us getting ni further. He clearly does not care

OP posts:
Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 23:38

Sorry OP but I think a previous poster asked if there was someone else..I think there is. He sounds guilty. Do you live together? Who's house is it?

Opentooffers · 18/04/2022 23:40

I'd find something like this would affect general interactions. It's hard to be affectionate when met with a brick wall. Hate to say it, but is it possible there is someone else on the scene, so it's either guilt avoidance or allegiance to the other person, if he's trotted out the line of not having that kind of relationship anymore? Does he work longer hours than he used to? Are you sure work is where he is always at?

SlatsandFlaps · 18/04/2022 23:44

@JJJJETS

So we basically ended it with me crying, him completely closed off and us getting ni further. He clearly does not care
Sorry to hear you ended it. You made the absolute right decision though. He's not even doing the decent thing and being honest. It does sound to me like he at least has his eye on someone else. You'll get through this Wine
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