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Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 23:47

Yeah we live together, jointly owned. As I said before I’m not naive enough to say ‘oh no he’s never do that to me’ but when would he? He works set hours, never late home. He only gets one week of flexible annual leave, the rest is set holidays and the 5 days he’s got as flexible are already booked off/been used for things we are doing. He not secretive with his phone, or anything of the tell tale tale signs. And if he WAS having an affair then it’s since before lock down so over 2 years. I qualified in the March cohort so just as Covid hit but was lucky to have the summer off before I started work (this week when we weee supposed to go travelling so had always budgeted for having a good gap before I started my first job), he was furloughed then worked from home so we basically spent every second together for 7 months. I’m not ruling it out but I truly just don’t see it

OP posts:
Original poster
JJJJETS · 18/04/2022 23:50

@SlatsandFlaps sorry I didn’t mean ended the relationship I meant ended the conversation.

I’m a mug 😢

OP posts:
AbsoluteTruths · 19/04/2022 00:00

He said he doesn’t understand why I put so much weight on sex when everything else is so good Because you entered in to what was an adult sexual relationship! That was what you signed up for, not the life of a nun. He does understand why it matters to you, he just doesn't care because it clearly doesn't matter to him. I'd end this if I were you op. He is not willing to be honest about why he has withdrawn sexually.

PrinnyPree · 19/04/2022 00:05

He just ended the conversation? As in you're not allowed to talk about it. I would be telling him we HAVE to have this conversation, get some couples counselling or the relationship is ending. He can't just bury his head in the sand. Xxx

Honeymint · 19/04/2022 00:06

I don’t know if this helps at all but my sister went through something incredibly similar with her husband.
At one point they’d only been intimate a few times over the last couple of years and she was getting really upset (understandably).

In the end it turned out to be a mixture of depression from covid and work stress and performance anxiety.
He just wasn’t in the mood ever and on the rare occasion he was things didn’t really work.

Then had a few conversations about it and he was defensive at first but then eventually he let on how anxious he was about not being able to perform.
They’re all good now - he has a new job, some meds for depression (although those sometimes cause their own problems) and they’re trying for kids.

My point is, it was a really difficult time for the both of them and at first it seemed like talking wasn’t working but maybe your OH will take some time to think about it and come back more willing to talk / find a solution?

Good luck OP!

SlatsandFlaps · 19/04/2022 00:07

I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but you're going to stay worth him, even though you know he doesn't want to have sex with you?

Countdownis35 · 19/04/2022 00:12

How much weight have you put on OP? I'm not judging I'm just trying to weigh your OH comment up. I think it's appalling by the way. Are we talking a couple of dress sizes up or more?

People have affairs there's a recent thread I will try to find it turned out he had met someone recently in the work office.

AuntMonica · 19/04/2022 00:12

This reply has been deleted

This post was deleted at the user's request

TalkingCat · 19/04/2022 00:23

OP, I'm so sorry. It's over, you know it is. He doesn't even love you or respect you enough to comfort you, your needs are not important to him. He doesn't care how you feel does he?

He really showed his true colours.

I think you should ask him to leave. Even if only for a few days. He clearly doesn't see, or care, how serious this is.

TalkingCat · 19/04/2022 00:25

@AuntMonica

Something tells me that this isn't as bad as you think. Yes, incredibly frustrating and demoralising but it does seems that he does value your relationship.

His defensiveness is an indication of embarrassment or uncomfort. Perhaps he is really stressed? Is there also a chance that he has suffered from anxiety or depression in the past and has give back on medication which may impact his sex drive?

If it were me, I would be telling him that the lack of sex isn't a deal breaker but I failure is discuss what's going on is.

@AuntMonica Haven't you read anything the OP has said? This IS as bad as it is and as bad as it gets.

If it were me, I would be telling him that the lack of sex isn't a deal breaker

It ever so clearly IS a deal breaker to the OP.

AuntMonica · 19/04/2022 00:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TalkingCat · 19/04/2022 00:51

[quote AuntMonica]@TalkingCat, I absolutely have read everything posted, why would I reply if I hadn't.

I think if this man does actually start talking about what is really going on there may be a way to resolve it. It doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care or is having an affair etc. It sounds like it's a libido issue rather than the end of relationship.

You don't have to agree with me but I am entitled to have an opinion, just as you are.[/quote]
@AuntMonica The problem is he won't talk about it. He has, once again, made the OP feel like crap. He won't change. He has made that loud and clear. She needs to leave.

Countdownis35 · 19/04/2022 01:01

I think you should ask him to leave. Even if only for a few days. He clearly doesn't see, or care, how serious this is.*

Agree poor OP. Living I'm an atmosphere

Brett239 · 19/04/2022 01:05

The relationship might have run it's course :(

WTF475878237NC · 19/04/2022 03:53

Then had a few conversations about it and he was defensive at first but then eventually he let on how anxious he was about not being able to perform.
They’re all good now - he has a new job, some meds for depression (although those sometimes cause their own problems) and they’re trying for kids.

^ actually it sounds like they've just kicked the can down the road as they'd like kids and don't want to split up now. If it's been going on for years it's got nothing to do with Covid.

WTF475878237NC · 19/04/2022 04:00

Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off?

He's defensive because he's upset and afraid to lose you. I don't think he feels attracted to you anymore.

Fyi loads of cheaters book annual leave and maintain a remote affair quite well seeing each other in person only occasionally going off here.

Anon778833 · 19/04/2022 04:38

People can be incredibly resourceful when it comes to affairs. Some people have a completely separate, hidden phone to communicate with that person. And if it’s someone at his work then it will be even easier.

The only other thing I’m wondering is whether he could be taking recreational drugs? There are some that completely remove a person’s libido.

Juniper68 · 19/04/2022 06:06

I'm so sorry to hear that. I agree a break is a good idea. I know it's hard but he needs to be honest and breathing space may make him think?

Wingingit15 · 19/04/2022 06:24

OP, I hope it works out with you. IMO I would let him process it before you speak again and try not to write things off immediately if you say everything else is good
This thread is such an eye opener in terms of peoples views on sexuality - I even got sidetracked on a Reddit dead bedroom thread after reading it ! I guess it everyone is so individual in sexuality and provided he isn’t having an affair and doesn’t see the current situation changing, you need to reconcile whether you can accept that as a relationship

Heartbeats0708 · 19/04/2022 06:42

@Countdownis35

How much weight have you put on OP? I'm not judging I'm just trying to weigh your OH comment up. I think it's appalling by the way. Are we talking a couple of dress sizes up or more?

People have affairs there's a recent thread I will try to find it turned out he had met someone recently in the work office.

If you're referring to the recent post by the OP, the way I read it was that her DP felt she placed too much importance on sex ("why do you put so much weight on sex") rather than commenting on a physical weight gain. Thinking of you OP, it's a rotten place to be. I suppose if he's telling the truth it could go either way and you'd find out if you reconnected on your travels. That said, the doubts have firmly set up camp in your head now, worrying about if it's you/he's performing out of duty/even if there's someone else.
GeneLovesJezebel · 19/04/2022 06:51

He’s happy in the relationship and you’re not.
In the past he’s said he’ll change/try harder, he’s not.
You either suck it up, or end it.

Rewis · 19/04/2022 06:55

Then had a few conversations about it and he was defensive at first but then eventually he let on how anxious he was about not being able to perform.

This has been my experience as well. And he told me the background. Sex was really hard topic for him. And I tick me bringing it up without warning didn't help.

It could be an affair. It could be that he isn't into you. It can be a dealbreaker but I feel like the defensiveness is a natural reflex. If op is over it I can to understand.

Mummytobe93 · 19/04/2022 06:56

Hi @JJJJETS I’ve DMd you xxx

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/04/2022 07:05

I think with sex so much of its mental rather than physical
But if he can’t or won’t open up about what the issue is that’s the main issue here

I’m so sorry you must’ve felt awful
But I’d say this is a communication issue rather than a sex issue
And can you build a life with someone that won’t communicate ? No

AllOverIt · 19/04/2022 07:07

Oh OP. So sorry to hear that he brushed it all aside.

Hope you're okay.

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