Hello everyone, I think I just need a kick up the arse or some kind of a different perspective, I don’t know.
I am 36. Will be 37 this year. My life was a bit of a mess for years, largely because I was suffering the effects of undiagnosed ADHD (for those who don’t know, this can be associated with all sorts of emotional and mental instability). I dropped out or was kicked out of uni several times, got my undergrad when I was almost 28. I lived in houseshares and mostly worked temp admin jobs - did work my way up to earning about £30k on average (in London). For the past five years I’ve also been doing volunteer work which I absolutely love and is closely related to the field I’ve decided I want to be in.
Eventually I self-diagnosed which was followed by an official diagnosis two years ago, just before the pandemic began. Started medication too. Since then I got a high distinction in a masters degree, have a £21k entry-level job in the field I want to be in (very disorganised and frustrating job so far, though!). I’m also hopeful that I’ll FINALLY pass my driving test soon. So things are going broadly in the right direction I suppose.
The issue is this: I want a husband and child/ren (ideally two but one may be more realistic at this stage) but my courage is faltering because I’m so scared men will judge me / no one will want me / there won’t be any “good” men left! I moved back in with my parents due to the pandemic, I’m still there for the moment due to low salary and the need to build up savings - I don’t have much money saved up. I am also quite big - size 16 - albeit hourglass shaped with 36G’s, and I try hard to dress well, do my hair etc. I can’t see myself losing any weight, since I am obsessed with food/cooking and very dependent on food for comfort although I am trying to address the latter.
I haven’t been in a real relationship since I was 24 although I’ve had FWB situations etc. for years I had a string of operatic unrequited loves which I always convinced myself would turn into marriage, so I didn’t want a boyfriend because I felt I already had someone. A couple of these men are still close friends, which is positive.
I want to find someone intelligent and level-headed*, roughly my age, who wants a child in the next few years. I just keep thinking that any such man would be easily able to find a woman who has a successful career / doesn’t live with her parents / is slim / has savings, etc. I’m going to have to be VERY brave, confident, resilient and persistent, aren’t I? Thank you to anyone who’d like to queue up and tell me what I already know 🤣
*(a quality I lacked in the past, but would say I do have now)