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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my DP just did this…

322 replies

WildflowerWildfire · 13/02/2022 09:34

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me

We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

OP posts:

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 12:59

Your DH attempted anal with no preparation and no lube?
When you were half asleep and were nit showing any sign you were up for it
And wo having talked about it before hand when you haven’t done anything like this for a long time??

No you are not over reacting for saying it’s a LTB territory.

RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 13:00

I don’t think he was necessarily trying anal just because it was from behind.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:01

She SAID he was attempting anal! In her first post! Are we calling the OP a liar now, too?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/02/2022 13:01

@RedCandyApple

I don’t think he was necessarily trying anal just because it was from behind.

She has clarified with him that he was

RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 13:01

Did I say she was Lying I said just because it was from behind that doesn’t mean it’s what he was aiming for.

DropYourSword · 13/02/2022 13:02

@RedCandyApple

Did I say she was Lying I said just because it was from behind that doesn’t mean it’s what he was aiming for.

He literally said he was when OP asked

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:02

@RedCandyApple

Did I say she was Lying I said just because it was from behind that doesn’t mean it’s what he was aiming for.

She SAID it was anal. I think she would know....

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:04

@RedCandyApple

Did I say she was Lying I said just because it was from behind that doesn’t mean it’s what he was aiming for.

@RedCandyApple Did you even bother to READ the OP's posts? This is her last post:-

WildflowerWildfire Sun 13-Feb-22 09:47:59
It was definitely anal. He said as much.

Please actually read the actual posts from the OP before commenting. She has said it was anal - TWICE now.

ThAtSnOtMynAm · 13/02/2022 13:04

He tried it on and you were free to stop him, which you did. Not assault, bad taste maybe.

Original poster

WildflowerWildfire · 13/02/2022 13:09

We’ve had a big talk since I last posted, and he’s apologised repeatedly with tears in his eyes. I firmly set out my boundaries and told him that I’m struggling to look at him in the same way. He admits that he did try to have anal sex with me and that there was no excuse. He’s asking for my forgiveness but ultimately I don’t know whether I can.

I’ve been assaulted in the past, which involved the man being arrested and charged. He knows all this and I think that’s what hurts the most.

There was absolutely no foreplay involved. I had my back to him, and he was stroking it. Then his hands went lower, pulled down my knickers and pushed his penis as far as he could before I stopped him and pulled them back up.

OP posts:

AfraidToRun · 13/02/2022 13:11

I suspect this isn't the only gripe you have with him but cant comment without more backstory.

It could be a deal breaker for you (based in context of the rest of your relationship). That's your perogative.

You could have a frank discussion with him about boundaries. I've had partners in the past where I have explicitly stated all 'come ons' must start above the waist etc. They've all understood (except one dickhead). If your partner's response is one of derision or shaming etc then that could also be a deal breaker for you. Similarly if he takes fuck all notice, that could (and arguably should) also be a deal breaker.

You also have the option to say nothing but I know from experience that doesn't usually help because your boundaries slowly get eroded and the constant feeling of disgust eats away at you.

I don't think you need to frame this accident as anything other than unacceptable and painful right now. I think the language around these things are severely lacking and it is why a lot of women feel unable to share their feelings of violation and act on them accordingly.

AfraidToRun · 13/02/2022 13:14

Ah cross posted! Well done on having the conversation. I hope his actions follow his words of contrition. What do you need from him now?

BronwenFrideswide · 13/02/2022 13:14

What you feel about and how you view what happened is the only thing that matters here, @WildflowerWildfire.

For what it's worth my opinion is the same as yours, OP, what he did was totally unacceptable. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't know me well enough or respect me enough to know what is and isn't acceptable.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:16

What I don't understand OP is how he could possibly think he could just insert it up there like you would in the vagina? Doesn't he have an imagination? You should ask him to imagine how it would feel someone inserting a cucumber up his rear passage, with no prep and no lube? Ask him to imagine the pain? I bet he'd double over thinking of it and his hole would pucker damn shut. It's that he simply didn't even stop to think of the pain he would cause you. He had no empathy for you at all. You really should put the cucumber line to him, and say 'how would you like it? Do you it wouldn't hurt?'

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:17

*Do you think , that last line should be.

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 13:19

@ThAtSnOtMynAm

He tried it on and you were free to stop him, which you did. Not assault, bad taste maybe.

Yes but the part about getting consent BEFORE starting a sexual act wasn’t there.

If he had attempted to have vaginal sex, like the OP probably often does, the fair enough.
But not for something you rarely do. And you normally need some preparation for. Lube especially.

DrSbaitso · 13/02/2022 13:22

Ignore the tears. He's apologised, ok. Have there been any other incidents like this?

BronwenFrideswide · 13/02/2022 13:23

@WildflowerWildfire

I’ve been assaulted in the past, which involved the man being arrested and charged. He knows all this and I think that’s what hurts the most.

Cross posted with you.

I don't think I could forgive him, he gave no thought to you or what you might want/not want when he pushed his penis as far as he could, it was all about him and what he wanted and felt entitled to.

He knows your history and yet this didn't enter his mind in pursuit of his own selfish goal. I could never look at him the same way again either.

Lemonata · 13/02/2022 13:25

Sorry but all the comments have got me feeling like I’m missing something so I have to ask😅

Everyone who’s saying that you need to use lube to have anal, you mean just lubrication in general right and not the actual product? I tried lube once and it felt disgusting😂 So now we just have a little bit of vaginal sex first, I assume that’s pretty normal?

I wouldn’t have an issue if my DP had tried this, as I’d see it as he was just hoping to initiate sex and stopped when I said no. BUT I trust him and we’re really sexually comfortable with each other. If it was a new-ish partner or one I didn’t feel fully comfortable and connected with then it would be completely different. You’re fully entitled to not be okay with it OP.

MamaSquealus · 13/02/2022 13:27

OP felt very uncomfortable with what happened and how her DP behaved. The fact that within their relationship, this is the response from her, shows that this was out of the ordinary for them, and she should not be shamed for being upset just because this is a normal interaction for others.
OP's reaction may even be because she has other reservations about the relationship, either way, she's entitled to feel how she feels.

OP, please don't feel you're wrong for how you're feeling. It's entirely up to you how you handle this, personally, I'd have a good think about whether I actually wanted to continue the relationship - if I did, then I'd have a proper conversation about boundaries, and as long as he understood and didn't try to minimise my feelings, we could move forward. If not, then obviously it would be over.

Hope you're OK, good luck 💐

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 13:32

Ignore those tears.

He was very wrong AND he knows your history.

Listen very carefully to your gut here.

If it is telling you that you are done with him, don't ignore it.

I don't think his actions were in any way acceptable and I don't think you do either.

Mind yourself.
You deserve better.

BuddhaForMary · 13/02/2022 13:32

OP I'm glad you've spoken to him and that he's apologised. I'm sorry your thread turned a bit nasty there, and I hope you've been able to get some clarity of thought.

What happens now is up to you of course, and I understand you still feel quite shaken by what happened. Some of us would've reacted differently to you, and I think it's important to say that's also fine so women aren't constantly questioning and second guessing their every sexual encounter.

The bottom line is if it feels wrong to you then it feels wrong and that's fine, you react accordingly. And if it feels right then that's also fine.

I wouldn't end my relationship over this, but again I'm not you. If you feel you can't, then that's all that matters.

SunshineOnKeith · 13/02/2022 13:35

@spotcheck

He was trying it on, you said no. I'm not sure this constitutes assault, and it is a bit extreme to leave him for. Sounds like he viewed the spooning and stoking as foreplay. Did he have an erection while spooning. If so, and you were all spooned up, and enjoying being stroked, it's likely he did assume foreplay was happening.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a talk about your boundaries, but in this instance, I see how it could have been confusing for him.

@spotcheck You think consent around anal penetration is confusing because the OP was lying there dozing?

I'm gobsmacked. Please educate yourself if you think dozing constitutes enthusiastic consent for anal penetration.

SunshineOnKeith · 13/02/2022 13:39

@flowervest75

This is what I mean, claims of attempted rape? Way too extreme in my eyes. He tried to initiate sex (or are we calling that attempted rape now?) OP didn’t want it, they didn’t have sex. Clearly a discussion of boundaries needs to be discussed or what makes OP feel uncomfortable but attempted rape? Really…

@flowervest75 Substitute the words anal sex for tea and then realise how wrong your interpretation of lawful consent is

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

Nowayoutonlydown · 13/02/2022 13:41

What thd fuck was he playing at? Besides anything else, just trying to ram his cock up your arse... no lube, no foreplay?

That's wooing in his mind?

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