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Original poster

So my DP just did this…

322 replies

WildflowerWildfire · 13/02/2022 09:34

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me Hmm

We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 13/02/2022 10:47

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Suggest you buy a huge strap on penis. And tell him to be aware you could jump him at any time. Ask him how that sounds.

Strange ideas your dh sadly...

This really needs to happen more.

Unless they were into that, it would stop the sex pest cold.

FinallyHere · 13/02/2022 10:48

I’m just so disappointed cos I don’t see how I can carry on with him now. Is that an extreme view to take?

Not an extreme view at all, IMO.

Actions speak a lot clearer than words. Much better to know that he is like this early in, before you have children together.

flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 11:24

@spotcheck

He was trying it on, you said no. I'm not sure this constitutes assault, and it is a bit extreme to leave him for. Sounds like he viewed the spooning and stoking as foreplay. Did he have an erection while spooning. If so, and you were all spooned up, and enjoying being stroked, it's likely he did assume foreplay was happening.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a talk about your boundaries, but in this instance, I see how it could have been confusing for him.

I agree with this too. Every person on here claims that their version of consent is verbal however when you speak to your friends and stuff, you see that isn’t really the case at all. One person usually tries it on and the other either goes with it or declines. Not everyone has a verbal discussion before having sex lol how unromantic.

I agree with the other poster who said ‘you exercised your right to consent and he accepted it.’ Sounds about right to me. I also agree with having a conversation about boundaries etc so you’re on the same page

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 11:29

Woo you?

More like sexually assault you.

No wonder you can't look at him.

This was about his need being met and not about you.

Ick.

Flowers
RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 11:32

Yes I agree verbal consent seems to be a MN thing, does everyone's partner really verbally ask them if they want sex before it starts? Every single time?

Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 11:34

@WildflowerWildfire

As others have said, it equates to - he attempted to initiate sex with you; you said no; he stopped.

DropYourSword · 13/02/2022 11:39

@RedCandyApple

Yes I agree verbal consent seems to be a MN thing, does everyone's partner really verbally ask them if they want sex before it starts? Every single time?
No, of course not. But there's such a thing as enthusiastic consent. Or participation which clearly implies consent. Lying half asleep while someone strokes your back is neither!!
SamphiretheStickerist · 13/02/2022 11:48

Consent is one thing. Assuming a back stroke pays for / paves the way for unlined anal is entirely another!

Can't some of you see that aspect of it? He wasn't thinking of his wife's comfort, physical safety. Just that he fancied something they hadn't done for years... and expected her to acquiesce.

SamphiretheStickerist · 13/02/2022 11:48

Bloody phone....unlubed

iklboo · 13/02/2022 11:49

Ah, ok. So having your back stroked & having a cuddle is consenting to a man trying to shove his dick up your arse. Okey doke.

Poor wickle confoosed manz.

thickthighs73 · 13/02/2022 11:52

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BronwenFrideswide · 13/02/2022 11:58

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Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 11:59

A recent thread on here had the OP filing charges against her husband as he repeatedly raped her while she was asleep. That's what your partner basically tried to do. It can be considered attempted rape. The fact he did it without even lube shows he has no understanding whatsoever for you or for pain. If he was successful in penetrating you, make no mistake about it, that would be rape. I would be deeply concerned if I were you OP, that he does this to women.

flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 12:00

Every couple is different. I’m not saying that spooning/giving a back stroke ‘paves the way for unlined anal’ but it could be the start of foreplay for a lot of people. Not every single person on this planet uses lube for anal either.

I’ve realised that when someone comes to MN for a situation that has to do with sex. People automatically think about their own relationship and if it wouldn’t happen in their relationship then it shouldn’t happen to anyone at all. Not everyone is the same. I also wonder if the responses would have been the same if the OP said he wanted vagainal penetration or if it’s receiving these sort of replies because it was anal in specific.

Anyway, the OP isn’t happy about the situation so the discussion is a bit irrelevant. I just think jumping to assault is way too drastic especially if you don’t ever give verbal consent anyway

BuddhaForMary · 13/02/2022 12:00

@spotcheck

He was trying it on, you said no. I'm not sure this constitutes assault, and it is a bit extreme to leave him for. Sounds like he viewed the spooning and stoking as foreplay. Did he have an erection while spooning. If so, and you were all spooned up, and enjoying being stroked, it's likely he did assume foreplay was happening.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a talk about your boundaries, but in this instance, I see how it could have been confusing for him.

I agree with this too. He tried it on, you said no. If he'd carried on after that, then that's a problem. But he didn't, he took no for an answer.
Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 12:00

Here is the thread that is similar to your story; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4472919-sexual-assault-reported-dh?pg=1

thickthighs73 · 13/02/2022 12:01

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flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 12:02

This is what I mean, claims of attempted rape? Way too extreme in my eyes. He tried to initiate sex (or are we calling that attempted rape now?) OP didn’t want it, they didn’t have sex. Clearly a discussion of boundaries needs to be discussed or what makes OP feel uncomfortable but attempted rape? Really…

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/02/2022 12:02

Despite the fact it is totally unacceptable its also very unhygienic if you haven't had time to "prepare". You might be fully loaded sorry TMI I know.
Also anal can be extremely painful unless its done properly and can cause tearing and prolapse.
Make sure he knows all of the above.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/02/2022 12:02

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BuddhaForMary · 13/02/2022 12:03

@Migrainesbythedozen that thread is nothing like this. In that thread the OPs partner was sexually assaulting her in her sleep. That's not what happened here. OP was awake, she did not consent, he stopped.

DropYourSword · 13/02/2022 12:04

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thickthighs73 · 13/02/2022 12:06

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thickthighs73 · 13/02/2022 12:07

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RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 12:07

I honestly wonder how people cope and have relationships, signing a contract every time they have sex, the op said he knew she was awake!