So my DP just did this…

[WildflowerWildfire]

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me

We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

[quote Yeahthat]@AfraidToRun

It sounds like he has respected her boundaries. She made it clear she didn't consent, he stopped.[/quote]
He ignored and overrode her boundaries up until she verbalised a no. For all the posters scoffing at the idea of a formal conversation taking place before any initiation of sex (which isn't what anyone advocating for consent is suggesting in reality), it's actually worse to steam ahead with no warning and only stop when the recipient is distressed, panicking and demanding it stops. As a pp said, what he did isn't 'initiation' - he went straight to beginning the full act, knowing it was something unusual for them and that the OP wasn't in the moment with him or prepared for what he was doing.

IllManneredBitch He ignored and overrode her boundaries up until she verbalised a no.

Agreed.

Cyrano helps someone woo a woman with gifted verse. OP's DP has a somewhat different view of romance and wooing. Has he left himself any headroom to elevate the quality of his wooing for tomorrow?

Only read your first post, and none of thread, but your opening post has made me wonder if one of the reasons so many men have so enthusiastically embraced anal sex is because they don't need to bother with the phaff and effort of getting a women aroused, open and wet any more.....

It sounds like he has respected her boundaries. She made it clear she didn't consent, he stopped

This is why I disagree with the 'consent' approach. It makes men think that all they need to do is elicit a yes, or a least not a 'no' and they can go ahead.

In reality, what they should be looking for is enthusiastic and joyous engagement. They should know what they looks and sounds and feels like for a woman and only proceed if they get it.

@sotrueindeed

Only read your first post, and none of thread, but your opening post has made me wonder if one of the reasons so many men have so enthusiastically embraced anal sex is because they don't need to bother with the phaff and effort of getting a women aroused, open and wet any more.....

I don’t know how much bum sex you’ve had but in my limited experience the faff is a good deal greater than PIV

I get what you are saying Migraine, but unless I’ve missed an update somewhere before I posted, he didn’t actually do what you say he did - he tried to, but didn’t persist when the OP told him to stop. Nowhere did she say he forced his dick up her arse. If she had, I would have taken a different view.

[quote Yeahthat]@AfraidToRun

It sounds like he has respected her boundaries. She made it clear she didn't consent, he stopped.[/quote]
The whole point of consent is you’re meant to obtain it beforehand, not check afterwards!

OP I’d feel the same as you, it’d be a dealbreaker for me because I’d never be 100% sure of him. It’s even more unforgivable as he knows your history, so should be extra aware of the importance of consent.

@amylou8

You were in bed with someone you're in a sexual relationship, engaging in an activity that COULD constitute foreplay. He tries it on further, you refuse, he stops. How the hell is that assault.

Agree

@Weareallvirgins

Message deleted by MNHQ

Also if your partner doesn't obtain express, verbalised consent before making a sexual remark towards you, that constitutes harassment.

If he had carried on after you said no and was crying out saying no stop then I'd agree.

Read some more of the responses now. God this is depressing. So basically a man does not have to bother getting a women aroused or enthusiastic about having sex with him. Quick stroke of the back and then he can try to stick his cock in a half asleep woman, and that's all fine and dandy. It wasn't assault and that's all that matters, shut up woman, respect the poor chap's privacy.

No wonder so many men treat women like crap when women defend such crap behaviour from them.

Its not a crime, so its all fine. Don't women deserve more from men than then managing to stay just, and only just, the right side of criminality?

Jesus fucking Christ, what a depressing read this has been.

Sorry this happened to you @WildflowerWildfire, how are you feeling now? Please ignore the more strident and unaware posters here, and take comfort from the ones supporting you.

Everyone loves surprise anal ! (According to dickhead men anyway)

I wouldn't feel comfortable after that either op. I don't understand the posters who are saying oh he must have thought it was foreplay or whatever - physical touch does not automatically constitute sudden penetration with no lube. Ugh !

Yeah that's what I have to deal with every time I stay round OHs. A fart usually changes his mind quickly enough

In all seriousness though, no means no. If he doesn't respect that then that's harassment

I'm really sorry, OP. It doesn't matter what anyone else would feel, or how low some people's standards of acceptable behaviour are, this is not acceptable for YOU. You won't feel safe with him any more, and I don't think any relationship can survive that.