Page 6 | So my DP just did this…

WildflowerWildfire · 2022-02-13T09:34:24+00:00

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me [hmm] We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

FawnFrenchieMum · 13/02/2022 13:45

I agree with quite few of the other posters that this isn’t rape or sexual assault, the DP stopped when she said stop that’s the really key point in this.

I mean this maybe TMI, but spooning and cuddling occasionally leads to any erection being pushed into between my bum checks, he’s not actually attempting to fully annually penetrate me. Just feels nice for both of us. OPs image makes me think of more this then he was actually trying for full on anal without lube.

I also can’t imagine having to verbally ask each time one of us initiates sex. I’d probably say no 99% of the time through exhaustion but when he strokes my back it almost always turns me on.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/02/2022 13:48

I wouldn't stay with a man who attempted anal, when there was no indication I was up for it, it's not been on the cards for a long time, with no preparation or prior discussion whatever.

I've had my ex try exactly this too many times when I was half asleep, and sometimes he succeeded despite my protests once I realised what he was trying to do. Ex for many reasons, including rape.

It doesn't matter if the bloke was stroking OP's back, that doesn't constitute foreplay, especially given she wasn't responding, just dozing. That he just went ahead and tried just shows he feels entitled to use OP's body for his own gratification without considering OP''s feelings at all.

Despite his current tears, I don't think OP is unreasonable in finding his behaviour unacceptable, and I wouldn't blame her if she felt she wanted to leave the relationship. There's nothing to stop him trying it again.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/02/2022 13:50

mean this maybe TMI, but spooning and cuddling occasionally leads to any erection being pushed into between my bum checks, he’s not actually attempting to fully annually penetrate me. Just feels nice for both of us. OPs image makes me think of more this then he was actually trying for full on anal without lube.

But he admitted he was trying for full on anal without lube. Or are you just trying to minimise what OP experienced?

tkwal · 13/02/2022 13:53

I wouldn't rush in to breaking up over this but I would leave him in no doubt that its not acceptable and if it ever happens again it WILL be the last time he touches you. Just because you consented to something in the past doesn't give him the right to assume consent now

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:54

@FawnFrenchieMum

I agree with quite few of the other posters that this isn’t rape or sexual assault, the DP stopped when she said stop that’s the really key point in this.

I mean this maybe TMI, but spooning and cuddling occasionally leads to any erection being pushed into between my bum checks, he’s not actually attempting to fully annually penetrate me. Just feels nice for both of us. OPs image makes me think of more this then he was actually trying for full on anal without lube.

I also can’t imagine having to verbally ask each time one of us initiates sex. I’d probably say no 99% of the time through exhaustion but when he strokes my back it almost always turns me on.

Please.Read.The.OP's.Posts. She makes it very clear, THREE TIMES, that he was trying for anal, he admitted it. Why can't people READ THE OP'S POSTS??

Her last post, and she has only posted 4 times, so not too hard to read them all!

WildflowerWildfire Sun 13-Feb-22 13:10:00
We’ve had a big talk since I last posted, and he’s apologised repeatedly with tears in his eyes. I firmly set out my boundaries and told him that I’m struggling to look at him in the same way. He admits that he did try to have anal sex with me and that there was no excuse. He’s asking for my forgiveness but ultimately I don’t know whether I can.

I’ve been assaulted in the past, which involved the man being arrested and charged. He knows all this and I think that’s what hurts the most.

There was absolutely no foreplay involved. I had my back to him, and he was stroking it. Then his hands went lower, pulled down my knickers and pushed his penis as far as he could before I stopped him and pulled them back up.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/02/2022 13:55

OP I also have a history of being assaulted/raped. I also quite enjoy being woken up from a doze with some foreplay leading to sex. My husband and my last LTR partner knew this, it was discussed, I never felt violated in any way (and nor did they when I was the one wide awake and they were snoozing.)

Yanking my knickers down and attempting any form of penetration without words, foreplay or lube? HELL NO. I would (and have in previous abusive relationships) feel very violated and unable to trust them enough to share a bed with them again. That feeling when you're lying there tensed up, physically unable to relax yoour muscles because you're anticipating an invasive hand grabbing your boob, your bum, or shoving a dick between your legs... It's exhausting, and it's a soul-killer.

So for me, I'd end the relationship. No matter how contrite they seemed. I might even believe in my head that they'd never do it again. But my gut would never trust them again, and I'd have to do the right thing for my own peace, safety and mental health.

good luck whatever you decide OP

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:55

That was to @FawnFrenchieMum .

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 13:58

@spotcheck

OP Said he started pushing his penis toward her.... Anal? Or vaginal from behind?

@spotcheck

Read her posts!

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 13:58

The amount of women who don't recognise this as assault is deeply disturbing.

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 14:02

@RedCandyApple

Yes I agree verbal consent seems to be a MN thing, does everyone's partner really verbally ask them if they want sex before it starts? Every single time?

@RedCandyApple

No, and we do start touching etc if one of us is asleep etc, but there's a big difference between that and going for anal penetration when it not a regular part of your sex life.

ListeningButNotHearing · 13/02/2022 14:08

It was wrong on all levels, and probably doubly upsetting given your terrible experience.
Personally I don't see the attraction for a female to have anal sex whatsoever.

It would make me feel inadequate as a women and also make me wonder if he'd rather be with a guy (but I am quite old fashioned/old school).
Aside from all that, I totally understand why you aren't looking at him at the same way now.

No advice but I hope you are ok.
You sound strong and you also sound like you've got good boundaries.
Good luck.

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 14:10

@flowervest75

This is what I mean, claims of attempted rape? Way too extreme in my eyes. He tried to initiate sex (or are we calling that attempted rape now?) OP didn’t want it, they didn’t have sex. Clearly a discussion of boundaries needs to be discussed or what makes OP feel uncomfortable but attempted rape? Really…

Shoving his penis into her anally, without any warning - that's not 'initiating sex'.

Even if you regularly have anal sex, very few women would want it without being turned on & either natural or artificial lube.

Each persons level of acceptable is different & that's up to each couple, but given they've only had anal rarely in the past, just shoving his dick up her bum out of the blue is NOT initiating sex.

blyn72 · 13/02/2022 14:14

It certainly is unacceptable, I would get rid of him fast.

HailAdrian · 13/02/2022 14:19

This is not assault and to suggest it is, makes a mockery of actual sexual assault. None of us know what your relationship is like generally but lots of couples are happy for stroking and spooning to lead to sex.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 13/02/2022 14:23

@HailAdrian

This is not assault and to suggest it is, makes a mockery of actual sexual assault. None of us know what your relationship is like generally but lots of couples are happy for stroking and spooning to lead to sex.

RTFT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EKGEMS · 13/02/2022 14:25

@HailAdrian You are wrong-she was half asleep and could not give consent to have anal sex. Spooning is different than penetration of an orifice. Not only was she half asleep but zero lube? It had to hurt as well.

affairsofdragons · 13/02/2022 14:25

@WildflowerWildfire

It was definitely anal. He said as much.

I just feel like it’s unacceptable, and I can’t look at him in the same way.

Show him the post about the woman who had her husband arrested for sexual assault. Because this is what that is.

I'm sorry, OP. I can't imagine he'd like his own daughters to be treated this way (raped!), but ok for you, eh?

FrancescaContini · 13/02/2022 14:25

@HailAdrian

This is not assault and to suggest it is, makes a mockery of actual sexual assault. None of us know what your relationship is like generally but lots of couples are happy for stroking and spooning to lead to sex.

Eh?!?!

millymae · 13/02/2022 14:26

I’m with Fawn Frenchie - the key point is he didn’t carry on when OP made it clear she wasn’t interested,
I would think an awful lot of men in the same situation lying close to their partner might think sex could be on the cards especially as no indication to the contrary appeared to have been given up until the point he tried. Undeniably his attempt to ‘woo’ as he calls it was clumsy and unacceptable but unless he’s repeatedly trying to have sex when OP doesn’t want it and/or OP is looking for an excuse to end the relationship then I think to do so would be a well over the top reaction.

affairsofdragons · 13/02/2022 14:27

@WildflowerWildfire

We’ve had a big talk since I last posted, and he’s apologised repeatedly with tears in his eyes. I firmly set out my boundaries and told him that I’m struggling to look at him in the same way. He admits that he did try to have anal sex with me and that there was no excuse. He’s asking for my forgiveness but ultimately I don’t know whether I can.

I’ve been assaulted in the past, which involved the man being arrested and charged. He knows all this and I think that’s what hurts the most.

There was absolutely no foreplay involved. I had my back to him, and he was stroking it. Then his hands went lower, pulled down my knickers and pushed his penis as far as he could before I stopped him and pulled them back up.

this is just awful

So no consent - rape
Even if you'd decided to go along with it - not prepared properly, so you were going to be hurt

He's an arsehole. no way around it.

Plus he knows your history.

I'd ask him to leave for now while you think about the relationship

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 14:31

I don't know anyone irl who would class a partner initiating sex or misreading the situation attempted rape.

I don't know any decent blokes irl who would attempt to have anal sex without any lube with their half asleep partner. Or their awake partner, actually.

Because doing that would at minimum hurt their partner and at worst injure their partner.

And decent blokes don't want to do that.

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 14:32

@WildflowerWildfire

I see you've spoken to him, but especially given he knows your history, can he explain why he thought this would be ok with you or does he admit he didn't consider your feelings At All???

As you can see there are various levels of 'acceptable'... your level is yours!

Only you know your DH & only you are with him so only you can decide if you can get past this or not. Personally he'd be very fucking clear how angry & upset I was, & that if anything like that happened again it would be the end of us. Even a hint of him thinking he can just use me for his pleasure, without a care for how I'm feeling ... and I don't have your background.

Maybe give it a few days and see how you feel. There's no limit when you have to make a decision!!! You don't have to forgive him or not today!!

Be kind to yourself today xx

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 14:34

@millymae

I’m with Fawn Frenchie - the key point is he didn’t carry on when OP made it clear she wasn’t interested, I would think an awful lot of men in the same situation lying close to their partner might think sex could be on the cards especially as no indication to the contrary appeared to have been given up until the point he tried. Undeniably his attempt to ‘woo’ as he calls it was clumsy and unacceptable but unless he’s repeatedly trying to have sex when OP doesn’t want it and/or OP is looking for an excuse to end the relationship then I think to do so would be a well over the top reaction.

Yes, he didn't carry on, but he forced his dick up her arse with no lube and no warning. Not in her vagina.... in her ANUS. Out of the blue. When she wasn't prepared. That would hurt and is assault. It's the fact he did it, in the first place. And that he didn't even stop to think that he would hurt her physically. All he saw was an orifice.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 14:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don't know anyone irl who would class a partner initiating sex or misreading the situation attempted rape.

I don't know any decent blokes irl who would attempt to have anal sex without any lube with their half asleep partner. Or their awake partner, actually.

Because doing that would at minimum hurt their partner and at worst injure their partner.

And decent blokes don't want to do that.

Exactly.

thefamous5 · 13/02/2022 14:36

@Migrainesbythedozen

It's not possible to have anal without lube. That he was even trying says it all.

That's not everyones experience.

I have never ever used lube.