So my DP just did this…

[WildflowerWildfire]

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me

We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

Clearly some posters are missing the part where she told him no and he stopped.

I don't know anyone irl who would class a partner initiating sex or misreading the situation attempted rape.

I'm not going into details but some of you need to check yourselves quite frankly if you think this is what attempted rape looks like.

Yes he's a fucking idiot. Anal requires discussion, explicit consent and lubrication.

You were in bed with someone you're in a sexual relationship, engaging in an activity that COULD constitute foreplay. He tries it on further, you refuse, he stops. How the hell is that assault.

Im not disagreeing it was an inappropriate way to attempt to initiate sex and I wouldn't find it a turn on at all.

It def would put me off....and depending on the quality of overall relationship it may be something I would end it over

However, that doesn't make it sexual assault

I don't think it's sexual assault. It is harmful and irresponsible and would make me seriously reconsider how I viewed my partner if he could be so reckless and careless with my bodily comfort and safety.

@WildflowerWildfire

It was definitely anal. He said as much.

I just feel like it’s unacceptable, and I can’t look at him in the same way.

Don't blame you.

@SamphiretheStickerist don't be so silly I'm not admonishing women from having feelings. I have them myself funnily enough. But telling me to piss off because I have a different take on it to you isn't a 'ticking off' and who the hell are you to be ticking me off anyway??

I'm sick of seeing the word rape or abuse bandied around on here, especially when it's clear that's NOT what was happening. It's not doing women any good to think that every interaction with a man is abusive.

And of course OP is allowed to feel what she feels. And if she wants to end her relationship over it then that's entirely her prerogative of course! But she's posted on an open forum. Not everyone is going to agree with her. Or you. Or me.

I think people have forgotten the OP actually asked whether it was unacceptable. She didn't mention the word assault at all. She doesn't need a definition of assault or abuse, she needs help to work through an incident that upset her. And some people on here really aren't helping.

@DropYourSword

I think people have forgotten the OP actually asked whether it was unacceptable. She didn't mention the word assault at all. She doesn't need a definition of assault or abuse, she needs help to work through an incident that upset her. And some people on here really aren't helping.

A voice of reason at last.

Of course she's not being unreasonable. She didn't like it and she told him so. A conversation needs to be had about boundaries.

It's up to her whether it is acceptable or not though. Clearly she doesn't think it is so that's her answer.

Many times ive been woken up on a Sunday morning with an exDP pressing himself against me and stroking my back. Some mornings I found it a massive turn on and others I wasn't in the mood and made that clear. So I don't think there's an issue with that part

Attempting anal however, would be a red flag to me, but that's my own personal boundary.

There is no right answer to whether it's appropriate. But it's not assault or abuse IMO

If you need to ask if it was unreasonable, it was unreasonable op.

Yes, sex can start as you have described but both people need to be fully involves. It doesn't sound as though you were.

If you're not OK with it then no, it's not OK.

The test now is how he reacts on being told it's not OK.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Suggest you buy a huge strap on penis. And tell him to be aware you could jump him at any time. Ask him how that sounds.

Strange ideas your dh sadly...

Be careful with this one!

Thanks for all the reports about this thread. As you'll have noticed, we've had to delete a lot of personal attacks - plus a fair few posts repeating those posts.

The OP started the thread in order to get support for what was clearly an upsetting situation. We're pretty sure that having to wade through a raft of personal attacks is not particularly helpful to the OP or to anyone else reading the discussion.

Please can everyone bear this in mind when posting? If the personal attacks continue we're going to have to consider removing the entire thread, we're afraid.

Peace and love.

@amylou8

You were in bed with someone you're in a sexual relationship, engaging in an activity that COULD constitute foreplay. He tries it on further, you refuse, he stops. How the hell is that assault.

Agreed. MN is so batshit sometimes.

Attempting anal without lubrication can be classified as assault. We are not talking about the vagina here. The anus is not self-lubricating......

OP, I don't blame you for feeling upset. That is a hell of an escalation with no encouragement from you. I'd certainly be having a conversation about boundaries and consent. You aren't his fucktoy.