Page 11 | So my DP just did this…

WildflowerWildfire · 2022-02-13T09:34:24+00:00

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me [hmm] We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:35

[quote capricornone]@Migrainesbythedozen I think you have made your point clear! Are others not allowed to have an opinion/view?[/quote]
I am responding on a discussion forum, as I too am allowed to. Please don't bully and dictate who can speak.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:38

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Nanny0gg · 13/02/2022 16:38

@HailAdrian

This is not assault and to suggest it is, makes a mockery of actual sexual assault. None of us know what your relationship is like generally but lots of couples are happy for stroking and spooning to lead to sex.

Did you read each and every one of the OP's posts?

Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 16:39

@capricornone

Thanks. I'd also pose the question of whether being in a relationship with someone implies consent for them attempting to initiate sexual contact. How else does a sexual relationship function if no one is free to even attempt to initiate it? I'm not sure that the puritan, binary outlook expressed by some here is actual a useful way to navigate human relationships.

@Campfirewood

Fair point. I don't know him, but I imagine his response would be along the lines of "WTF?". However to describe what happened as sexual assault or rape as some PP have done is, in my view, totally wrong.

IllManneredBitch · 13/02/2022 16:39

I don't see how there is any argument. The OP has said her partner has tearfully admitted what he was doing. With no preparation, an act they don't do and haven't done for years, when she had given no signs of being interested in anything at all. That's not a misunderstanding. How could he be innocently imagining it would be totally fine for him to suddenly anally penentrate a woman with no warning in this scenario given everything the OP has explained? The OP is lucky her reaction was to stop him - a lot of women have an involuntary freeze response. This is an awful thing to happen and given that the man responsible has acknowledged what he did, it's horrifying how many posters here are eager to exonerate him.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2022 16:40

[quote Palmfrond]**@IllManneredBitch* @Migrainesbythedozen*
Yes I read her posts, but “attempted” and “pushing his penis as far as he could” suggests to me, given the rest of the, albeit limited, context that this is him pushing his penis between her bum cheeks/thighs.

Do you imagine that she would be asking her original question if he had raped her anally?[/quote]
The OP's last post stated that he admitted that he was attempting anal sex.

That clear enough?

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 16:42

@Migrainesbythedozen

wouldn't leave her this upset and shaken

You seem to have an agenda as to what you want to understand from what the OP has written, but feel free to reread and it’s pretty clear that penetration did not occur. Why, for instance, did he need to clarify that he was going for anal? Everybody’s different but if somewhere to ram their unlubricated erection into my anus, no clarification would be nect.

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 16:42

*would be necessary

RantyAunty · 13/02/2022 16:43

Seems all the creepy lurking men come out of the woodwork to get their jollies.

I truly worry for some who are lacking autonomy over their own bodies.

It's very easy to see how women get coerced and their boundaries completely stomped on by men.
Sex is supposed to be pleasant and mutual for both people.

Jerking down someone's panties and shoving their dick at their bum isn't mutual and not pleasurable for both.

He was treating her body like a wanksock. He had zero concern for her at all. In his mind, his erection was the only thing that was important.

IllManneredBitch · 13/02/2022 16:44

[quote Yeahthat]@capricornone

Thanks. I'd also pose the question of whether being in a relationship with someone implies consent for them attempting to initiate sexual contact. How else does a sexual relationship function if no one is free to even attempt to initiate it? I'm not sure that the puritan, binary outlook expressed by some here is actual a useful way to navigate human relationships.

@Campfirewood

Fair point. I don't know him, but I imagine his response would be along the lines of "WTF?". However to describe what happened as sexual assault or rape as some PP have done is, in my view, totally wrong.[/quote]
In what world is anal sex 'initiated' by a sudden attempt at dry penetration on a dozing woman with no lead-up when it's an act they never do and isn't part of their normal sex life at all? That's not an ok way to 'initiate' and it really isn't puritan to say that.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:45

[quote Yeahthat]@capricornone

Thanks. I'd also pose the question of whether being in a relationship with someone implies consent for them attempting to initiate sexual contact. How else does a sexual relationship function if no one is free to even attempt to initiate it? I'm not sure that the puritan, binary outlook expressed by some here is actual a useful way to navigate human relationships.

@Campfirewood

Fair point. I don't know him, but I imagine his response would be along the lines of "WTF?". However to describe what happened as sexual assault or rape as some PP have done is, in my view, totally wrong.[/quote]
If you can't see that penetrating a dozing woman without her consent is rape, then that is very very scary. Next you'll say drugging a woman and penetrating her doesn't equal rape.

She wasn't awake.
He penetrated her without her consent. How could you not see that this is sexual assault at the very least?

What has gone wrong in our education when posters on here cannot see clear cut and unambiguous rape for what it is? This is 2022.

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 16:48

Gross and would turn me right off him and to think he was going to just shove it in without any lubrication etc yuk. Would be telling him to feck off as he is showing a total lack of self entitlement and lack of respect. If you cannot trust your partner who is supposed to be your friend and there should be mutual respect I give up. Glad I decided to just stay single as can not be bothered with all the crap. Hope you are ok and you tell him this is not or ever acceptable and he does not try to minimize it and turn it around to make you feel like you over reacted.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:48

@Palmfrond You clearly still have not read the OP's words. She was more than clear. He penetrated her and pushed it in. Are you unable to read? And nowhere did she ask or need it 'clarified', what are you even going on about? Clearly you are not discussing the same issue as the rest of us.

The OP was quite distraught in her posts, even mentioning she had been assaulted previously. Are you really suggesting the OP would be distraught and this upset, over a penis against her butt cheeks? Seriously, try to use some critical thinking.

Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 16:49

@Migrainesbythedozen

You have a very selective interpretation of the event in question. I don't believe that I can discuss this productively with you.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:50

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Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 16:50

@IllmanneredBitch

So your entire point is that he should have used lubrication?

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:51

[quote Yeahthat]@Migrainesbythedozen

You have a very selective interpretation of the event in question. I don't believe that I can discuss this productively with you.[/quote]
I say the exact same about you. It's clear you haven't even read the OP's posts.

AfraidToRun · 13/02/2022 16:51

OP, I'm really sorry. This thread must be very unsettling. It's bringing up a lot for me and I imagine it's very upsetting for you.

You can have whatever boundaries you want. They don't have to be the same as everyone else's. As I said previously, I was in a relationship where I asked all come on's were above waist only, I asked him never to touch me in the morning, for years we were sexless and for some I was the only initiator because of my trauma history. My partner was more than happy to respect my boundaries. He never moaned about it being weird or everyone else can touch their partner up in the morning why can't I. He understood. Over time my boundaries changed as I went through therapy but he always met me where I needed him to be. Some boundaries I expect I will have for life, some will probably shift. You deserve someone who meets you where you are and if they can't do that, you should consider leaving. My body is a gift and whoever receives it should be grateful. I don't owe any man anything.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:53

[quote capricornone]@Migrainesbythedozen if it’s that clear cut why the differing opinions? YOU have decided that it’s rape.[/quote]
Many others have said it's rape, not just me. Because penetrating a dozing person without their consent is rape! Then we get those like yourself who clearly have not read the OP's posts, or simply have a bee in your bonnet about me personally.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:54

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IllManneredBitch · 13/02/2022 16:57

[quote Yeahthat]@IllmanneredBitch

So your entire point is that he should have used lubrication?[/quote]
How on earth did you take that from my post? I said it was something they don't do in their relationship (meaning it needs to be discussed, can't just be attempted) and that she was dozing and not responsive or engaged when he did this to her. So not just the lubrication, no, there is plenty else very wrong with his actions.

cinderhella · 13/02/2022 17:00

That’s not an initiation at sex. Sorry, but it’s not.

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 17:01

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@Palmfrond You clearly still have not read the OP's words. She was more than clear. He penetrated her and pushed it in. Are you unable to read? And nowhere did she ask or need it 'clarified', what are you even going on about? Clearly you are not discussing the same issue as the rest of us.

The OP was quite distraught in her posts, even mentioning she had been assaulted previously. Are you really suggesting the OP would be distraught and this upset, over a penis against her butt cheeks? Seriously, try to use some critical thinking.[/quote]
I used the word “clarify”, the OP used the words “said as much” and “admitted”.

Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 17:01

@AfraidToRun

It sounds like he has respected her boundaries. She made it clear she didn't consent, he stopped.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 17:06

[quote Yeahthat]@AfraidToRun

It sounds like he has respected her boundaries. She made it clear she didn't consent, he stopped.[/quote]
If he had respected her boundaries he wouldn't have penetrated her when she wasn't awake.

Whether she consented or not after the fact is not the point.

If someone gropes you, and you push them away, does that mean he respected your boundaries just because you pushed him away? Use common sense. A person who respected a woman's boundaries would grope her, her penetrate her without her consent first.

Even the OP herself was very upset and felt he didn't respect her boundaries. And that's from the OP themselves.