So my DP just did this…

[WildflowerWildfire]

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me

We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

The lining of the anus is thinner than the vagina, and it lacks natural lubrication. That makes it much more vulnerable to tearing. Tears can allow viruses and bacteria to enter the bloodstream. This can include sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV. Studies have suggested that anal exposure to HIV poses 30 times more risk for the receptive partner than vaginal exposure. Anal intercourse can also boost the risk of getting the human papillomavirus (HPV). HPV may also lead to the development of anal warts and anal cancer. Using lubricants can help, but it doesn't completely prevent tearing.
www.webmd.com/sex/anal-sex-health-concerns

[quote holierthan]@Migrainesbythedozen are you serious? just because her partner was a bit extra horny one morning[/quote]
Are YOU serious? Someone being horny doesn't give them the right to rape someone!
Are you really this clueless? What he did was sexual assault. Especially anal sex which without lube could have torn her up inside badly and would have been extremely painful.

A man being horny can take care of it himself. He has no right to just 'shove it up her arse' without her consent.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Migrainesbythedozen

I have had anal sex plenty of times without lube. Some folk need lube, others dont, not sure why you insist in thinking it is impossible when you have people here claiming otherwise. Why would they lie?

Without first having vaginal sex, or performing oral sex, to make his penis very wet before penetration?

Migrainesbythedozen

You said:

"It's not possible to have anal without lube"

A few posters have claimed they do just that, why can't you accept that? I'm pretty sure they don't have bum holes like an airfield windsock either

@DillonPanthersTexas

Migrainesbythedozen

I have had anal sex plenty of times without lube. Some folk need lube, others dont, not sure why you insist in thinking it is impossible when you have people here claiming otherwise. Why would they lie?

How is your experience remotely relevant or helpful to the OP?

Any chance you could stop nit picking and bunfighting the lube issue and focus on the lack of consent, lack of precedent for anal sex in this way and actually offer the OP some support?

[quote holierthan]@Migrainesbythedozen are you serious? just because her partner was a bit extra horny one morning[/quote]
He put his penis in he anus, pushed it in as far as he could, without warning aka giving her a chance to say no.

Without any lubrication whether natural or bottled aka making it likely it would be painful.

Knowing it isn't something she would expect because it isn't something that is a regular part of their sex life.

Knowing she's previously been a victim of a sexual assault.

You really think being extra 'horny' makes all that OK?

@holierthan

I feel that the OPs DP made a misjudged decision (little brain over big brain) to initiate anal sex, but to brand him a rapist is not helping the OP.

Forcing yourself on a sleepy woman against her consent IS rape. What is it you don't understand about this? Shoving a dick up inside a tiny orifice with no warning, no lube, no preparation, is rape. For goodness sake, speak to any therapist, even a police officer.

It is rape.

The OP says 'attempted anal' at no point does she suggest it happened (unless I missed a post). If she feels uncomfortable that is totally OK. Is it rape or assault? No, because she said no and he stopped. Is he inappropriate, yes.

I'm so sorry Op. I can see why you wouldn't be able to look at him the same. What he did was disgusting. He pushed his penis in to your anus, whilst you were dozing. You had given no indication that you were up for sex in any way. There was clearly no consent and no chance he misunderstood consent. He just did it.

As pp have said, tell your DP that you're buying a strap-on and will take him without warning when he's sleepy. See if he finds that OK.

@spotcheck

He was trying it on, you said no. I'm not sure this constitutes assault, and it is a bit extreme to leave him for. Sounds like he viewed the spooning and stoking as foreplay. Did he have an erection while spooning. If so, and you were all spooned up, and enjoying being stroked, it's likely he did assume foreplay was happening.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a talk about your boundaries, but in this instance, I see how it could have been confusing for him.

Do not listen to this idiot

There are posters weirdly intent on not reading the OP's posts, not acknowledging her upset or what her partner has admitted himself to doing but instead wanting to really impress on everyone how much they personally are delighted by completely spontaneous anal penetration with no preparation of any kind. It's very strange. I can't imagine what kind of a person comes onto a thread like this and responds to what the OP has described with that kind of comment.

@Pieceofpurplesky

The OP says 'attempted anal' at no point does she suggest it happened (unless I missed a post). If she feels uncomfortable that is totally OK. Is it rape or assault? No, because she said no and he stopped. Is he inappropriate, yes.

I think you must have missed the OP's fourth post where she very clearly describes what happened.

I’m so sorry this happened to you
Don’t minimise it or think it’s just something that happens; he tried to rape you

@Pieceofpurplesky

The OP says 'attempted anal' at no point does she suggest it happened (unless I missed a post). If she feels uncomfortable that is totally OK. Is it rape or assault? No, because she said no and he stopped. Is he inappropriate, yes.

Read ALL the OP's posts. You do know she made more than one post, right? Read ALL her posts. She made it quite clear with her words when she said "WildflowerWildfire Sun 13-Feb-22 13:10:00 We’ve had a big talk since I last posted, and he’s apologised repeatedly with tears in his eyes. I firmly set out my boundaries and told him that I’m struggling to look at him in the same way. He admits that he did try to have anal sex with me and that there was no excuse. He’s asking for my forgiveness but ultimately I don’t know whether I can.

I’ve been assaulted in the past, which involved the man being arrested and charged. He knows all this and I think that’s what hurts the most.

There was absolutely no foreplay involved. I had my back to him, and he was stroking it. Then his hands went lower, pulled down my knickers and pushed his penis as far as he could before I stopped him and pulled them back up."

Why is it that people don't click on See all under the OP to read all the OP's posts?

@DillonPanthersTexas

Migrainesbythedozen

I have had anal sex plenty of times without lube. Some folk need lube, others dont, not sure why you insist in thinking it is impossible when you have people here claiming otherwise. Why would they lie?

Were you giving or receiving?

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]The lining of the anus is thinner than the vagina, and it lacks natural lubrication. That makes it much more vulnerable to tearing. Tears can allow viruses and bacteria to enter the bloodstream. This can include sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV. Studies have suggested that anal exposure to HIV poses 30 times more risk for the receptive partner than vaginal exposure. Anal intercourse can also boost the risk of getting the human papillomavirus (HPV). HPV may also lead to the development of anal warts and anal cancer. Using lubricants can help, but it doesn't completely prevent tearing.
www.webmd.com/sex/anal-sex-health-concerns[/quote]
True. I've nursed a lot of gay men with anal cancer in my 35 years of Oncology nursing. Risky with or without lube.

There’s a huge leap between ‘I’m horny so I’ll gently try and pop my penis into a wet vagina’ and ‘trying to ram a cock into a dry ass’.
Sorry to be crass, but lube is required and some form of conversation!
I’d be furious.
Sorry Op.

@IllManneredBitch

There are posters weirdly intent on not reading the OP's posts, not acknowledging her upset or what her partner has admitted himself to doing but instead wanting to really impress on everyone how much they personally are delighted by completely spontaneous anal penetration with no preparation of any kind. It's very strange. I can't imagine what kind of a person comes onto a thread like this and responds to what the OP has described with that kind of comment.

Quite. I think there are a lot of sick people or at least getting off on defending sexual assault. And the people that read the first post from the OP without bothering to click to read the rest and comment..... Between the rape-enablist attitudes, the lack of sexual health knowledge, and the inability for posters to actually read posts before responding, seriously, this place should have an IQ test in place before people are able to join up. It's so frustrating because so much time is taken up with dealing with posters who reply without even reading the OP's posts.

@Pieceofpurplesky

The OP says 'attempted anal' at no point does she suggest it happened (unless I missed a post). If she feels uncomfortable that is totally OK. Is it rape or assault? No, because she said no and he stopped. Is he inappropriate, yes.

It's assault because he did it first, then stopped as she objected.

If someone grabs my tit and I say Stop, by your logic that is not sexual assault because he stopped when I said to.
Of course it's assault to force sexual contact on someone without their consent.

OP, given your history and his awareness of it, I am not at all surprised this changes how you see him.