Page 10 | So my DP just did this…

WildflowerWildfire · 2022-02-13T09:34:24+00:00

Laid in bed this morning with DP and I was still sleepy, whereas he was wide awake. We were spooning and he was stroking my back. I wasn’t fully asleep but I was very much dozing, when he decided to pull my knickers down and push his penis towards me (attempting anal). I pulled them up and asked what he was doing - he said he was trying to woo me [hmm] We have had anal sex before, a long time ago. But this is unacceptable isn’t it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 15:50

@holierthan

Best you step away from this thread at this point. Doing nothing but jovially discussing your personal sexual preferences and relationship dynamic which have fuck all to do with someone else being assaulted and very clearly articulating they feel violated, unsettled and upset enough they're considering ending their relationship.

DrSbaitso · 13/02/2022 15:52

@IllManneredBitch

There are posters weirdly intent on not reading the OP's posts, not acknowledging her upset or what her partner has admitted himself to doing but instead wanting to really impress on everyone how much they personally are delighted by completely spontaneous anal penetration with no preparation of any kind. It's very strange. I can't imagine what kind of a person comes onto a thread like this and responds to what the OP has described with that kind of comment.

Oh, I can.

IllManneredBitch · 13/02/2022 15:55

DrSbaitso yeah, I think I have a fairly good idea too. The kind of person with an agenda of eroding women's boundaries and autonomy, for pretty obvious reasons.

WonderfulYou · 13/02/2022 15:57

If someone grabs my tit and I say Stop, by your logic that is not sexual assault because he stopped when I said to.
Of course it's assault to force sexual contact on someone without their consent.

But there is a grey area.

If you are kissing your partner and touch his penis without asking that could be classed as SA but you’ve probably done it thousands of times. Same as if he touches your vagina.

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/02/2022 16:00

Were you giving or receiving?

I have tried both!

I personally preferred using lube but it is not an impossibility without as some on this this thread have pointed out. Previous partners have insisted on lube, others were not remotely bothered. I just find it curious someone continuing to insist it is impossible when people are offering their personal experiences to the contrary.

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 16:01

OP has not stated clearly that they were a) asleep ie unconscious or b) actually penetrated anally.
These definitions matter, I can’t help but feel they could and should have been clarified at the beginning or soon after. They make the difference between the male party being either a bit of a twat or being a rapist.
Tbh I agree with previous posters who have said that this demeans the gravity of rape and sexual assault.

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/02/2022 16:02

How is your experience remotely relevant or helpful to the OP?

It's mumsnet, threads often dart off in different directions, but I take your point and shall not post in here anymore.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:04

@DillonPanthersTexas

Were you giving or receiving?

I have tried both!

I personally preferred using lube but it is not an impossibility without as some on this this thread have pointed out. Previous partners have insisted on lube, others were not remotely bothered. I just find it curious someone continuing to insist it is impossible when people are offering their personal experiences to the contrary.

@DillonPanthersTexas Of course it's not technically 'impossible' to shove a wide object in a small orifice, however it for 99% of people, is extremely painful. Anuses are dry and are not used to stretching that wide. And especially with zero warning whatsoever, like in the case of the OP. We are talking assault here, an ambush if you like out of the blue, not someone who was physically and psychologically prepared.

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 16:05

@Palmfrond

OP has not stated clearly that they were a) asleep ie unconscious or b) actually penetrated anally. These definitions matter, I can’t help but feel they could and should have been clarified at the beginning or soon after. They make the difference between the male party being either a bit of a twat or being a rapist. Tbh I agree with previous posters who have said that this demeans the gravity of rape and sexual assault.

In fact rereading her posts it seems clear to me that she was awake, she was not penetrated anally, and that the man stopped when consent was denied. Pushing their penis in between her bum cheeks is not the same as anal penetration.

Pieceofpurplesky · 13/02/2022 16:05

@IllManneredBitch I did read it - I read it that he tried but she stopped him before it actually penetrated as she has said 'attempted' which to me meant hadn't made it.

@Migrainesbythedozen I said 'unless I missed a post' you know, happens sometimes even with the best will in the world. I had read all the posts - but interpreted differently to you. Nowhere did I minimise her feelings but I stand by my comments that she said no and he stopped. As I stand by what I said about it being OK for her to feel uncomfortable/unhappy/violated - as many people on this thread have said.
The OP needed rational and calm help - all we've had on here is LTB, links to threads where a woman was raped many times in her sleep, people arguing about anal sex and some telling people to get a grip because it wasn't assault.

I have been raped. I said no. He didn't stop. It fucked my life up and still does. The OP is entitled to feel shit, she is also entitled to try and work through this if she so wishes.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:06

@Palmfrond

OP has not stated clearly that they were a) asleep ie unconscious or b) actually penetrated anally. These definitions matter, I can’t help but feel they could and should have been clarified at the beginning or soon after. They make the difference between the male party being either a bit of a twat or being a rapist. Tbh I agree with previous posters who have said that this demeans the gravity of rape and sexual assault.

@Palmfrond The OP has made 4 (four) posts on here. She has SAID he penetrated her anally. Please read ALL the OP's posts. Not just only the first one.

IllManneredBitch · 13/02/2022 16:07

@Palmfrond

OP has not stated clearly that they were a) asleep ie unconscious or b) actually penetrated anally. These definitions matter, I can’t help but feel they could and should have been clarified at the beginning or soon after. They make the difference between the male party being either a bit of a twat or being a rapist. Tbh I agree with previous posters who have said that this demeans the gravity of rape and sexual assault.

Have you read the OP's fourth post which makes it very clear? Where is your empathy for a distressed woman posting in shock and upset?

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:10

[quote Pieceofpurplesky]@IllManneredBitch I did read it - I read it that he tried but she stopped him before it actually penetrated as she has said 'attempted' which to me meant hadn't made it.

@Migrainesbythedozen I said 'unless I missed a post' you know, happens sometimes even with the best will in the world. I had read all the posts - but interpreted differently to you. Nowhere did I minimise her feelings but I stand by my comments that she said no and he stopped. As I stand by what I said about it being OK for her to feel uncomfortable/unhappy/violated - as many people on this thread have said.
The OP needed rational and calm help - all we've had on here is LTB, links to threads where a woman was raped many times in her sleep, people arguing about anal sex and some telling people to get a grip because it wasn't assault.

I have been raped. I said no. He didn't stop. It fucked my life up and still does. The OP is entitled to feel shit, she is also entitled to try and work through this if she so wishes.
[/quote]
@Pieceofpurplesky You clearly didn't read this, and I post it for you for the SECOND TIME: pushed his penis as far as he could before I stopped him

Also, him stopping when she said no doesn't mean she wasn't assaulted. As someone said above, if a man grabs your tit, he assaulted you. Even if you yell stop, or get off me you creep or whatever, he still assaulted you. Him stopping doesn't erase that it _happened in the first place*.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:13

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Rosebel · 13/02/2022 16:17

I can understand why you're so upset especially with your past experience.
It sounds like your partner knows and accepts he was out of order. Has he ever tried anything like this before? Is he generally considerate and loving?
If it was a one off I'd talk to him as you have done and make it bloody clear he is never to do this again.
If it was a one off I wouldn't leave him for it. If though he has a habit of this type of behaviour then that for me it would be over.

Yeahthat · 13/02/2022 16:24

@Migrainesbythedozen

It was a misunderstanding; it happens in a relationship. Unfortunately, real life and human interactions don't fit into neat little boxes. She could have them sign contracts before intiating any form of sexual contact in future; it would guarantee there were no more misunderstandings, but also be absurd and probably kill any passion.

He initiated sexual contact, she made it clear that she didn't consent, he stopped. Really, that's it.

AnnaK163 · 13/02/2022 16:26

That's terrible OP.
If my DH attempted to bugger me while I was half asleep, I'm afraid there would have been a physical reaction on my part - that is the very worse thing a man can do to a woman in my opinion - free hard-core porn makes a lot of men think they are entitled to do this women and make women think it's ok to have a straight man do this to their body.

I just can't imagine my DH doing this to me. If it did happen, everything in life would stop until I found out why he thought it was okay to do it. I'll be honest, it would be over for me.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:27

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Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:29

[quote Yeahthat]@Migrainesbythedozen

It was a misunderstanding; it happens in a relationship. Unfortunately, real life and human interactions don't fit into neat little boxes. She could have them sign contracts before intiating any form of sexual contact in future; it would guarantee there were no more misunderstandings, but also be absurd and probably kill any passion.

He initiated sexual contact, she made it clear that she didn't consent, he stopped. Really, that's it.[/quote]
That is such an absurd post. Sexual assault is NOT a 'misunderstanding'. Shoving a dick in a small dry orifice that would physically damage the woman is NOT a 'misunderstanding'. It was sexual assault. That's it.

Campfirewood · 13/02/2022 16:30

@Yeahthat hmmmm I see what you’re trying to say. But a bloke trying to shove his penis in an ass, when anal sex isn’t usually something they do, is not on.
If I fancied popping on a strap-on and starting to shag my husband up the ass, I wouldn’t expect he’d say ‘oh no worries that was a miscommunication’ .
I’d expect him to be quite upset.
Anal sex, I find, requires some conversation first.
If both parties love it frequently, fair enough.
But this wasn’t the case here. I also assume they usually use lube, so why try and continue without? The Op hated it and I fail to see why her partner wouldn’t consider that before just trying to ram it in.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:30

@AnnaK163

That's terrible OP. If my DH attempted to bugger me while I was half asleep, I'm afraid there would have been a physical reaction on my part - that is the very worse thing a man can do to a woman in my opinion - free hard-core porn makes a lot of men think they are entitled to do this women and make women think it's ok to have a straight man do this to their body.

I just can't imagine my DH doing this to me. If it did happen, everything in life would stop until I found out why he thought it was okay to do it. I'll be honest, it would be over for me.

Well said.

Palmfrond · 13/02/2022 16:31

@IllManneredBitch @Migrainesbythedozen
Yes I read her posts, but “attempted” and “pushing his penis as far as he could” suggests to me, given the rest of the, albeit limited, context that this is him pushing his penis between her bum cheeks/thighs.

Do you imagine that she would be asking her original question if he had raped her anally?

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:33

[quote Palmfrond]**@IllManneredBitch* @Migrainesbythedozen*
Yes I read her posts, but “attempted” and “pushing his penis as far as he could” suggests to me, given the rest of the, albeit limited, context that this is him pushing his penis between her bum cheeks/thighs.

Do you imagine that she would be asking her original question if he had raped her anally?[/quote]
Do you imagine she would be so upset if he hadn't raped her anally? Putting his penis in between her bum cheeks or thighs would leave her this upset and shaken. Think about it.

capricornone · 13/02/2022 16:34

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Migrainesbythedozen · 13/02/2022 16:34

wouldn't leave her this upset and shaken