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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 18 years husband attacked me

207 replies

Desperate885 · 23/10/2021 22:17

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 23/10/2021 22:18

You leave.
I'm so sorry.

MrMrsJones · 23/10/2021 22:19

Please phone the police

category12 · 23/10/2021 22:20

That's one hell of an escalation. What you need to do, is call the police.

Grabbing you round the throat is a prime indicator of future lethal violence. Please read this about the dangers of strangulation. www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Don't go back to him.

ThesecondLEM · 23/10/2021 22:20

Is this a sudden change in his personality? Have things always been volatile,? Is he contrite?

So many variables but I'm not sure if I could come back from this

MerchSwyddEfrog · 23/10/2021 22:20

He could have killed you! You need to call the police. How old are the children?

Sickoffamilydrama · 23/10/2021 22:21

I've been married for 16 years but together for 21 so I know what a wrench it would be.

However I'm not sure if ever trust my DH again of he did that, I'd also be constantly walking on egg shells which is no way to live.

Livandme · 23/10/2021 22:21

You need to leave
You need to protect yourself and your children from the risk of anything further.
Good luck in dealing with this

TonkinLenkicks · 23/10/2021 22:21

That sounds horrific, you must have been petrified. You leave, but first you go to the police. So sorry that happened to you.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 23/10/2021 22:21

That's quite a sustained attack. Phone the police, he needs to get out of there!
Who knows if he's safe around the children anymore? You're certainly in danger if you do nothing!

Immaculatemisconception · 23/10/2021 22:21

That’s really awful and very scary for you. You have to leave him and get the children away from him. Report it to the police and contact Women’s Aid. 💐

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 22:22

Yes phone the police and report.

Flowers for you

Shouldbedoing · 23/10/2021 22:22

Call the police and he'll be removed from your home for that assault.

romdowa · 23/10/2021 22:23

Of course it's over , you've been badly assaulted! Please ring the police and report this , next time you may not escape to a hotel

NerrSnerr · 23/10/2021 22:23

You need to call the police. Next time it may be one of your children, and they could end up being pushed down the stairs.

I know you probably think he won't hurt them but I imagine you also thought he'd never hurt you.

JudyGemstone · 23/10/2021 22:23

Wow ok, that’s quite serious violence.
I think you should get him removed from the home, by the police if necessary.

Is he controlling or verbally abusive generally?

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 22:25

When my dh tried to throw me downstairs mid argument I had chance to dial a friend off the home phone. He ripped it off the wall but bff had the mind to send the police.
Who told me to get rid as he was a psycho..
I filed for divorce..
No regrets.
You owe it to your dc to keep them and you safe....

thistimelastweek · 23/10/2021 22:26

The relationship is changed forever. I cannot imagine his justification for this.

You can't argue for fear of a good throttling and being thrown down the stairs?

How can that work?

PicsInRed · 23/10/2021 22:26

The 1st thing you need to do is report to the police and make a statement. This was such a profound escalation, including one of the prime predictors of homicide, strangulation, that you must get the police involved.

You say he had never been violent before, however you mention that you were arguing about kids and money, which raises questions.

Is he controlling? Does he play games with your head? Can he handle it if you say "no", to anything?

UGiveMeTheIck · 23/10/2021 22:27

Please please leave. 18 years is irrelevant, hes should never have done that. He wont change, and it will only get worse. Please leave, have the courage to go and be free and safe. I genuinely wish you all the best x

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 22:27

Phone police
Leave
He needs to be arrested
If there is eg medical reason fir sudden violence it can be investigated but he needs to be away from you and dc

IncessantNameChanger · 23/10/2021 22:27

I would phone the police to report it tonight then go from there. Not sure I could stay with some who wanted me dead.

I'm really so very sorry this has happened to you. You deserve better. You deserve to be safe in your own home.

ironorchids · 23/10/2021 22:28

So sorry this has happened!
Call the police. Even if you change your mind about what to do later, call them to have this incident reported so that it's on record.

Trying to push you down the stairs or throttle you is an extremely serious crime, whether it's a sudden change after 18 years of marriage or not.

Also generally, once people have crossed a line the first time, they find it much much easier to cross it again. It may take a big change for someone to do something like this, but now it's done it'll be a lot easier for him to justify being violent again in future and sadly a lot more likely now.

This is really awful to go through. Make sure you protect yourself and your kids by reporting it straight away, you need it on record asap, no matter what you decide to do in the long run.

L0stinCyberspace · 23/10/2021 22:28

Phone police
Get out
Don't listen to any "I've changed" from him
I hope things work out for you. Xxx

pipiandbelle · 23/10/2021 22:28

It sounds like it would be helpful to have someone to talk this through with and plan your next steps. Have a look at this domestic violence charity. They have a 24 hr helpline
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline

You can call us, for free and in confidence, 24-hours a day.

0808 2000 247

Please don’t go back. Take some time. Get some advice. Take care xx

JustKittenAround · 23/10/2021 22:32

So sorry this has happened! Any violence is inexcusable but damn he really went for it on his first go! I’m actually worried about you going back. That kind of violence like that… you now know you can’t anticipate any of his actions. He is a wild animal that could snap at any moment.

The choking this is extra as well. I am worried for you. I am worried how he will act upon you leaving. You gotta leave though. He will kill you. Don’t think for a moment that you’re any different from the other women dead in the ground because their animal partners decided to snap.

He crossed a solid line. The line that is in Lifetime movies and after school specials. The sort of last line of being abusive. The undeniable line. He crossed it with gusto. You know these men only get worse… he really might kill you.