Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

After 18 years husband attacked me

207 replies

Desperate885 · 23/10/2021 22:17

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

OP posts:

Report

EarthSight · 23/10/2021 22:33

@Desperate885

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

Is it over or worth fighting for?

Is your life worth fighting for?

You need to go to the police right now. I think you're in shock, and are not thinking straight.

He tried to push you down the stairs, and I don't think you're digesting that. You can't go back. It isn't remotely safe for you there any more. Tell the police and then tell your children.

DandyHighwayWoman · 23/10/2021 22:35

@category12

That's one hell of an escalation. What you need to do, is call the police.

Grabbing you round the throat is a prime indicator of future lethal violence. Please read this about the dangers of strangulation. www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Don't go back to him.

This
He could have killed you by pushing you downstairs. Call the Police

DandyHighwayWoman · 23/10/2021 22:36

@ThesecondLEM

Is this a sudden change in his personality? Have things always been volatile,? Is he contrite?

So many variables but I'm not sure if I could come back from this

‘Contrite’ ? FFS please don’t tell me you are serious, he could have killed her

musicalgymball · 23/10/2021 22:37

Ring 999

category12 · 23/10/2021 22:41

he could have killed her

Yes - OP please don't talk yourself into going back, minimising and covering up what's happened. You could have died on the stairs, or when he grabbed your throat.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 22:41

Men who put their hands around a female partners throat are seven times more likely to kill them than other abusive men.

Call the police, report it. Tell loved ones.

Use the time he is in custody after being arrested to get practical support from loved ones and to end the relationship.

You need to keep yourself safe and show you are taking this seriously and are capable of keeping your kids safe - which I'm sure you are. Lean in to support from social services and police, don't assume that involvement from them reflects poorly on you. Leaning into them will actually show your priority is your children's welfare.

There's no coming back from this relationship wise. I'm so sorry this has happened.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 22:43

@ThesecondLEM

Is this a sudden change in his personality? Have things always been volatile,? Is he contrite?

So many variables but I'm not sure if I could come back from this

There are no variables that make it safe to stay in a relationship with a man who puts his hands around your throat. What are you thinking?! Almost all abusers say they are sorry. Being contrite changes fuck all about the risk this man poses to OP and her kids. Contrite? The likelihood of him killing her is multiplied by seven times now he has put his hands around her throat.

AdoraBell · 23/10/2021 22:44

Speak to the police, tell them the children are in the house with him. DO NOT return on your own. Do you have a male relative or friend who can go with you?. Tell your family too, and his. Don’t be embarrassed about this as some domestic victims are.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 23/10/2021 22:45

That sounds awful - sorry it happened. Agree you have to leave and report to the police. Doesn't excuse it of course, but it might be a sign of some early mental illness like dementia.

HappyintheHills · 23/10/2021 22:49

Call the police

JustKittenAround · 23/10/2021 22:55

I think the best thing is to not care about the reasons. Dementia, being straight up a bad man… blah blah… They won’t matter when your dead from his hands. Save yourself for your children.

Plus there is no excuse. None. I don’t care what happened.

I am not being alarmist when I say this man could very well kill you. He already tried in his rage once. You want to try him another time? You want to walk around afraid to question him on anything least you get ye olde chokehold? Keep your mouth shut and eyes down the rest of your life?

His rage was out of control. He wanted to hurt you! He did! He couldn’t control himself. Why would you ever think he could now? He can’t. You just saw it.

Blossomandbee · 23/10/2021 22:59

Yes it's over. He tried to kill you. Call the police, get him arrested and get him out your house and life.

CBroads · 23/10/2021 23:00

Sorry but that is a boundry that once crossed, cannot be rectified. It'll only progress from here OP.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2021 23:01

What would your children do if you’d died yesterday, killed by their dad? You call the police, and ask them
to lay charges. They will remove him, and you initiate divorce.

Porcupineintherough · 23/10/2021 23:05

@Desperate885 are you alright? Are you safe?

If your dh had thrown his phone at you, I'd be asking if this was out of character etc etc

But this was a major assault. He could have killed you. I think you should call the police, report it and have him removed. It's ok for your kids to know this has happened- if you leave him over this theyll need to know and if you want to try and save your marriage the only way you would be safe is if this is all out in the open, and he is forced to confront the seriousness of what he has done. And if he lives separately whilst you work through things and decide whether you actually want to save anything.

Please, please dont try to sweep this under the carpet.

L0stinCyberspace · 23/10/2021 23:06

@Desperate885 where are you now? Are you safely away from your husband? Can you ring women's helpline for advice? X

Holothane · 23/10/2021 23:08

Police and leave you could have died and no I’m not being dramatic. Hugs lots of them.

lisaandalan · 23/10/2021 23:11

Call the police and make him leave, no second chances that is way over the line. So dangerous. X

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2021 23:12

Please call the police and get him removed from the house. .

toocold54 · 23/10/2021 23:16

So sorry this has happened! Any violence is inexcusable but damn he really went for it on his first go! I’m actually worried about you going back. That kind of violence like that… you now know you can’t anticipate any of his actions. He is a wild animal that could snap at any moment.

I completely agree!
It is of course bad to hurt your partner but they usually start by throwing something or hitting an inanimate object before giving their partner a slap or a punch and then it builds up. But he has gone from 0-100 in one night after 18 years! I would be more scared of this than being with a knowingly violent man.

Stay in a hotel and call the police.
For such an unusual outburst he could be suffering with something like a brain aneurysm, so you calling the police means he will get help and not just brush it under the carpet.

Has he tried contacting you since?

AramintaLee · 23/10/2021 23:16

Imagine if one of your children told you their partner did this to you... would you be telling them to stay? No. You would be telling them to call the police and leave.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 23/10/2021 23:18

Call the police and leave.

Where are the kids? Are they going home tonight? I’d contact them ASAP and don’t let them go home until he’s gone.

KatherineJaneway · 23/10/2021 23:19

@CagneyNYPD1

You leave.
I'm so sorry.

This ^^

Good luck

Cruiser123 · 23/10/2021 23:20

This was an attempt on your life.

Of course this relationship is over.

Sammiekim · 23/10/2021 23:21

What do you mean is it worth fighting for?! the minute he laid hands on you it was a done deal. Now the only thing left fighting for is yourself. And that means getting out, safeguarding yourself and safe guarding your children.

It doesnt matter if you think it was a one off. He has shown you it is now in his capability. It can happen again, so you cant put your blinkers on about this

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.