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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 18 years husband attacked me

207 replies

Desperate885 · 23/10/2021 22:17

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 24/10/2021 06:06

No you can't go back. Even if he never did anything like that again you will spend your life waiting for it and living in fear.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 24/10/2021 06:13

Police and leave. You and your children need protection from him.

I knew a man who suddenly became violent - turned out he had a brain tumour. But that possibility does not mean you stick around waiting to be killed.

category12 · 24/10/2021 07:42

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. So this hasn't come from nowhere, there's a pattern of abuse in your relationship. I bet there are other behaviours you haven't spoken of as well.

Op, would you want your daughter or friend to go back to a man who had attacked her? Who had left her bruised, who had throttled her?

You need to treat yourself as precious.

Turtletotem · 24/10/2021 07:50

Well done for staying at a hotel last night you're clearly a strong woman you can definitely do this, yes contact the police to get him out, as others have said it is over don't look back. Set a good example to your kids you don't want their lives tainted by his lack of self control and sulking. Go home with your head held high knowing you're the better person Flowers

heebiejeebies45 · 24/10/2021 07:55

He sounds like a maniac, please leave him!
Who knows what will happen next. Glad you stayed in a hotel and are safe

Chocaholic9 · 24/10/2021 07:56

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If you go back and live with him, your life will be in danger.

saleorbouy · 24/10/2021 08:03

If you are often arguing about money do you also have debit issues that you should seek help and advice on aswell.
If this is the case then it would be a good idea to get a full understanding of your finances with a view on how things might progress for you as a couple in the future after his aggression.
Wishing you the very best in during this difficult time.

MeltedEggMum2 · 24/10/2021 08:03

This happened to me.

My exh attacked me, seemingly out of nowhere, grabbing me by the throat and hitting me.

Leave him OP. Never, ever be alone in his presence again. He is dangerous. I'm so sorry to state it so bluntly, but it's important you hear this. Feel free to read my old thread (I lost the original account hence the different username)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3575915-I-have-to-leave-him-dont-I?pg=1

isthismylifenow · 24/10/2021 08:08

So sorry OP. As you have bruising especially on your neck, could you have this checked out by a gp if you can.

The 2 weeks or so silent treatment isn't normal either OP. Please mention this to WA and the police.

Practicebeingpatient · 24/10/2021 08:13

You leave or he leaves. If you accept this and stay next time will be worse. I would also call the police so it's on record but that's up to you.

Mumoblue · 24/10/2021 08:16

Please call the police OP!

A man who puts his hands on your throat is a man who is capable of killing you. Your chances of being murdered by your partner fucking skyrocket after an instance of strangulation.

Please get yourself safe and away from him for good.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 24/10/2021 08:18

I am sorry that you are going through this, but so glad you are reporting him.

Take care of yourself Flowers

saraclara · 24/10/2021 08:21

Good luck OP. You mention that the DCs are somewhere else until the evening? Hopefully that gives you enough time, but if there's a back up plan (could friend have then an extra night if need be?) that might take the pressure off.

TheMamaYo · 24/10/2021 08:28

If this happened once, it will happen again. And it’ll get worse. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but please don’t get cold feet about reporting this to the police, and as soon as possible. Any consequence from that will be on his shoulders, not yours.

HalzTangz · 24/10/2021 08:29

He tried to push you down the stairs, then grabbed you round the throat to try and strangle you, that's attempted murder.

You need to phone the police and he needs to leave.

He has done this once, he will do this again, next time you might not survive.

There is no 'should I stay', there is only 'i will call the police, he will leave'

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 24/10/2021 08:37

Is it that you’ve never stood up to him before or is this completely out of character? It’s seems like he didn’t read the play book on slowly escalating. If you stay what will be the next escalation? The kids? Sexual violence? Murder? Unless there is some medical issue like a brain tumour you have to leave.

FiloPasty · 24/10/2021 08:41

Please leave, glad you’ve reached out and shared with a friend, you know you can’t recover from this x

FatCatThinCat · 24/10/2021 08:43

I'm sorry you're. going through this and agree with all the others that you need to leave. You're lucky he didn't kill you this time, trying to push you down the stairs then putting his hands around your throat. You may not be so lucky next time. And there will be a next time, there ALWAYS is.

JustKittenAround · 24/10/2021 08:47

[quote MeltedEggMum2]This happened to me.

My exh attacked me, seemingly out of nowhere, grabbing me by the throat and hitting me.

Leave him OP. Never, ever be alone in his presence again. He is dangerous. I'm so sorry to state it so bluntly, but it's important you hear this. Feel free to read my old thread (I lost the original account hence the different username)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3575915-I-have-to-leave-him-dont-I?pg=1[/quote]
Thank you for sharing your story. Flowers

Shocktober · 24/10/2021 08:50

Please report to the police and also see your gp

MzHz · 24/10/2021 08:52

So he’s always been abusive, but that technique worked so he didn’t have to escalate

Now he has

Like a dog who’s attacked livestock now he ‘knows’ he can do so again.

Now I’m not suggesting that the farmer shoot him, but I am saying to you that the genie is out of the bottle now and you can never go back. By the sounds of it, wouldn’t imagine you’d want to.

He’s abusive and you do need to report this, he does need to leave you and the kids and be elsewhere and you can take what happens next day by day.

This is your chance to stop the abuse. We know how hard it is to do, but we also know what a relief it is to get out, to live out best lives and see the kids bloom when there isn’t this malignant presence in their home

beastlyslumber · 24/10/2021 08:53

OMG that's terrifying. You've done the right things (leaving, reporting, talking to women's aid etc). You can't go back. He's dangerous and he isn't going to change.

From your update it's clear he's been abusive for a long time, and this violence is an escalation of that. Get out and stay out. House and other things can be sorted. Once the police are involved, there will be more support for you too.

theSunday · 24/10/2021 08:53

You’ve done the right thing OP. Wishing you all the best, you sound like a strong woman. Flowers

Cuntness · 24/10/2021 08:55

You leave.

Now he's crossed that line, it'll always be in the back of your mind that it could happen again.

And the likelihood is that it will. And it'll get worse.

There's no coming back from this.

oakleaffy · 24/10/2021 08:58

@Desperate885
A thrown phone that missed is just about forgivable..
But the hair grabbing, pushing and strangling is absolutely not.

You need to think very carefully about your safety
He could well snap again.