After 18 years husband attacked me

[Desperate885]

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

[LaBellina]

Doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 18 days or 18 years, once it escalates like this, it’s over and there is absolutely no going back. What you describe is utterly terrifying and going back means you’ll have to walk on egg shells forever. He has now crossed a line and once he did this, it will be very easy for him to cross it again. Please phone the police. He assaulted you. He shouldn’t get away with this and you very likely need this on paper to help you divorce easier and get custody of your DC.

[Tistheseason17]

Take care OP.
This is serious.

[Gmom]

I think it's worrying that you say you gave no family and "our friends are joint friends." Do you really have no friends (old school friends, new friends who you do sport with or work with or volunteer with or socialise with such as mothers of your children's friends or neighbours) that aren't also close friends with him? If not, then it seems like you have been living within a claustrophobic relationship and he is more dominant in your life than he should be. Please contact the organisations that support victims of domestic abuse that have been posted here and be honest about the way you have been living without a support network as there may be a long pattern of controlling abuse that will help you see why you need to get yourself and your kids out if that situation.

It will be a very difficult process but you will come out the other side with a safer, happier, fuller life.

[CambsAlways]

Wow that’s bloody serious phone please and report , it would certainly be over for me, I don’t care if it was a one off, what happens next time, and there certainly would be a next time. Please get out

[Tallisimo]

So sorry this has happened. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things, difficult those these are. Reach out to family and friends for support and help, too.

[Tallisimo]

I’ve just noticed the bit about joint friends … do you not have any of you own ? Or friends who you know you can trust? Please don’t be alone in this x

[KathyWilliams]

You are right to report this, OP.

However, you can't be in the house with him ever again. Neither can your children. If he can do that to you, even once, he can do it to your children. And I hate to say this, but my experience is that if you report something like this, you would be very, very unwise to have your children in the same house as him because if he did anything to them, it could be regarded as your failure to safeguard them, now that you know what he is capable of. So I'm afraid you will have to tell the children what's going on, albeit in whatever a way would be suitable for their ages.

Ideally, he has to leave the house and not come back - but if he refuses, can you stay with family or friends for a bit, while you get organised?

[ScreamingBeans]

Please report this, you will never be safe again in your home. He attempted to kill you, don't minimise it, you cannot continue to live with someone this dangerous.

[itsallgoingpearshaped]

So he has a history of abuse: regular 2 week silent treatment to get his own way. He's just escalated.

I'm glad you've sought help and are going to the police. Don't be alone with him.

[Martyitsyourkids]

Please leave. Take all of the support available to you. You'll be OK. You will forever be afraid of him now and that's no way to live x

[DuvetDayIsEveryDay]

He has been abusing you for years. The silent treatment is very abusive.

for you OP

[52andblue]

@WithMyEncyclopedia

Glad you are ok.
The weeks of silent treatment is absolutely textbook, I'm afraid - there's a longrunning thread by a lady whose husband "sulked" for years every time she did something "wrong". It eventually culminated in a full on psychotic break, very scary for all involved.
So just because he hasn't tried before to kill you in two different ways in one night before now doesn't mean he's any different from the violent men who kill or seriously hurt their partners.

I agree entirely with this.
It is part of a pattern not a 1-off.
Very glad you got away, kids are safe & you've reported both formally (WA) and to family / friends.
You can't ever be around him again and NOR can the kids, not alone.
As you are now aware of his violence (& its documented) then you need to take action to make sure the kids are not alone with him certainly at present (he may react very angrily that its' been reported)
Can they stay where they are a 2nd night on the sleepover whilst you try to arrange for the Police to remove him from the marital home, or will you all need to go to a refuge / friends house? Better safe than sorry. Sending you much love. You need to keep being brave x

[Wife2b]

Hey OP, doesn’t matter that the house is in your name. If you report to the police he will hopefully be arrested and given bail condition to not stay at the property. Hopefully that will give you some breathing space to figure out your next move. Failing that, a refuge would be an excellent source of support. They’re not scary, the ones I’ve visited in my professional role tend to be a flat within a complex with staff onsite for support or a studio room (not ideal but a place of safety).

[Wife2b]

Or you could present to housing and tell them you are fleeing domestic violence - it doesn’t have to be your local one. They will have a duty to accommodate you whilst they complete their investigations/assessment.

[Prokupatuscrakedatus]

Make sure everything irreplaceable (fotos, memorabilia, documents, files) is somewhere safe.

[Lynseylou1]

Once you have reported this to the police and he is arrested the police will put a domestic violence prevention order in place that will prevent him being allowed home or near you for 28 days no matter who's name the house is in. During that time you can contact a solicitor to get something longer term in place and you will get legal aid as it's domestic abuse related. I always remember being in a child protection conference once where a woman who had been strangled by her partner but kept going back to him and the police officer who attended was previously in the murder team. He said that it takes seconds for someone to die by strangulation and the hairs all over me stood up as you realise just how serious it is. Once they have done something like this there is no going back and you need to protect yourself and the children for him. Hope your doing ok and are not too sore today x

[Explosivefarts]

Sorry Op I have nothing constructive to add just wanted to say I’m so sorry this happened to you .Hope you are ok

[MagentaRocks]

The violence might be new and there might have been something that ‘triggered’ his behaviour but not all abuse is physical, he could have been mentally or financially abusive. He has shown he can be violent, which is not a normal reaction even if ‘triggered’. I hope you get through this ok. Hands round the throat is a high risk sign.

[Dragongirl10]

So sorry op, but this is so horrific he could have killed you, you have no choice but to leave sadly., Please report to the police, very important...

[LoveGoldberg]

If a stranger in the street attacked you in that manner you would feel unsafe report this to the police because you would know it’s wrong. The fact that you are married to him doesn’t change it.

I’m glad to see you are following through with a report, please now start looking at options to separate. Your children need their Mum alive and safe, things like this usually start small and build up. Yours has started huge so there is no knowing where this could go.

[Lunificent]

The previous 2 weekly silent treatment, though nothing like what he’s just done, is also appalling.

[daretodenim]

OP I'm so sorry - this is a huge shock and painful in many ways.

I haven't seen this said (maybe missed it) but you're only not dead because he chose not to kill you. It wasn't an accident - it was deliberate. He didn't lose control, he still had some and he used it to hurt you "only"

I hope that reporting to the police has gone ok and that you have some supporting friends around you today.

[mathanxiety]

@Desperate885

When you report this to the police they are going to want you to press charges.
Please take the massive leap of faith required to do this.
It's hard to let go of the semblance of control and put the matter into the hands of others, and hard to come to grips with the thought that he will get off and no good will come of this approach.
But you have to stay courageous even if you feel like jelly inside.

You can file for a non-molestation order to keep him away form you and an occupation order stating who can live in the house. Children can be protected too.
Women's Aid will help you with orders and injunctions.
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/your-legal-rights/
From that page:

• You have rights under the criminal law. Being assaulted by someone you know or live with is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger, and often more dangerous. See police and the criminal prosecution process for more information.
  
• You can apply for a civil court order to tell your abuser to stop harassing or hurting you, or to keep out of or away from your home. See getting an injunction for information on these options.
  
• You can get help with emergency or temporary accommodation.
  
• The law can also help to protect children. You can apply to the Family Courts for an order specifying where and with whom the children should live, and regulating contact with the other parent.
  
  Further down on the page is a section on where to go for legal advice.
  If you work, your employer may offer some access to legal advice.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

When you report this to the police they are going to want you to press charges.

Just on this, in response to domestic violence offences previously making it the burden of victims to 'press charges', the victim now doesn't make this decision.

They make a statement and the police can decide whether an arrest is justified then they take it from there.

Previous to this, victims would be pressured not to 'press charges' by perpetrators / families etc and police were powerless to then pursue it.

OP can make a witness statement and then it's over to the police and the state. There is no such thing as choosing to 'press charges' now in the UK and it's such a shame that TV and film even sometimes get this wrong, perpetuating the myth that anyone but the police and the state can - even if the victim doesn't want them to.

I really hope she feels able to make that statement as this is so serious

[mathanxiety]

Thank you for that, @youvegottenminuteslynn

Please, @Desperate885, have the courage to report the attack even if you are afraid of what might happen next.

You have all sorts of legal tools at your disposal, the help of Women's Aid (and other agencies like Rights of Women) and the police will make your personal safety a priority. They do not want to end up examining a bloody crime scene.

The police themselves can assist you in getting the orders you need.