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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 18 years husband attacked me

207 replies

Desperate885 · 23/10/2021 22:17

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/10/2021 23:23

This was a sustained and deliberate attack.

It wasn't a slap or a thrown phone in the heat of the moment.

You need to call the police. You need to press charges.
If you can contact the children, tell them not to go home.
Their father is in a murderous rage.

Please do not be afraid of telling the children what is going on.
Your silence benefits only the man who tried to kill you.
Your silence puts them in danger too.

Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

DoodlesMam · 23/10/2021 23:26

I don't know you but your life is worth saving. Call Police get a solicitor and escalate this - you could have been killed. The relationship is over. Do not go back as you could be killed. A woman will not win a physical fight with a man. Wishing you strenght and courage.

Mischance · 23/10/2021 23:27

He is a dangerous man. You must protect yourself and your children.

Disabrie22 · 23/10/2021 23:30

OP you cannot keep your children in that house with him - he could have killed you!! Please protect yourself and children

GroggyLegs · 23/10/2021 23:33

If you stay, this man will know that you will tolerate this behaviour & come back for more.
You will never be able to have a hard discussion or disagree, because you know the possible consequences.
If he's in a bad mood, you'll be frightened.

I'm so sorry Flowers don't go back.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 23/10/2021 23:36

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Men who put their hands around a female partners throat are seven times more likely to kill them than other abusive men.

Call the police, report it. Tell loved ones.

Use the time he is in custody after being arrested to get practical support from loved ones and to end the relationship.

You need to keep yourself safe and show you are taking this seriously and are capable of keeping your kids safe - which I'm sure you are. Lean in to support from social services and police, don't assume that involvement from them reflects poorly on you. Leaning into them will actually show your priority is your children's welfare.

There's no coming back from this relationship wise. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Thanks

This. You must phone the police and have him charged.

You are not protecting your children by minimising and lying to them. You are gaslighting them. They dont want their mother dead.

DappyApple · 23/10/2021 23:37

This was a serious attempt to cause youharm, not just a shove or throwing a phone in the heat of the moment.
Where are your children tonight?

BoreOfWhabylon · 23/10/2021 23:38

I am so sorry this has happened to you, you must be reeling. The others are right though, you can't stay with him but he is the one who needs to go.

Call the police, get him out and get a restraining order so that he can't come back.

The domestic violence helpline should be able to help you.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2021 23:39

Men who put their hands around a female partners throat are seven times more likely to kill them than other abusive men.

Branleuse · 23/10/2021 23:40

He could have killed you. Call womens aid

Wife2b · 23/10/2021 23:41

OP you need to leave permanently at the earliest opportunity - this is a serious escalation. Something has triggered such a drastic act and it’s likely that whatever it is will do so again (not you btw).

Who’s house is it? Is it your name? Please report this to the police straight away. Do you have any physical injuries that can be documented? If so, take some pictures.

You can speak to the National Women’s Aid line. Hopefully they will be able to point you in the direct of local domestic violence support services and you’ll benefit from an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) they will be able to help with a plan of action. They’re amazing at knowing about finances, legal routes, housing etc. You’re not on your own OP, help is out there but you need to reach out first.

If you’ve not already, either ask a family member to go with you or go on your behalf to collect some emergency essentials if you think it safe to do so. Things like ID, passport, medication etc. If not safe then don’t worry about it for now.

There’s always the possibility of a temporary refuge for a safe place for you and your children to consider also. Please don’t minimise this in the morning OP (I see this a lot in my line of work). It’s not fair at all that the onus is on you to safeguard yourself and your children but it’s important that you take the right steps now to prevent further incidents and exposing your children to his violence.

Good luck OP, let us know how you get onFlowers

julieca · 23/10/2021 23:42

I think it would help if you could ring your mum or a friend and tell them what happened. You are going to need support.
It must be incredibly hard to face both what has happened and what you now have to do. But someone who snaps like that and does such serious violence is dangerous. To you and your children. You need to protect them as well.

Stickyblue1987 · 23/10/2021 23:44

Police and then lock yourself somewhere. He could've killed you.

NataliaSerene · 23/10/2021 23:46

Please get in touch with support right away:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You can live chat. You are likely in shock. You do need to report to police and get help right away.

Sending you strength and prayers.

girlmama86 · 23/10/2021 23:46

Phone the police, he should be the one to leave. I hope your okay op.

Mellowyellow222 · 23/10/2021 23:49

You did the right thing leaving. But you need to contact the police and ensure your children are safe.

He is explosively violent. They aren’t safe with him.

Also contact women’s aid for advice and guidance.

Don’t forgive him. This will happen again.

catfunk · 23/10/2021 23:52

Police police police. He tried to kill you.
Please get help x

CurryLover55 · 24/10/2021 00:02

So sorry OP - please come back if you can to let us know you’re ok

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 24/10/2021 00:14

It is of course bad to hurt your partner but they usually start by throwing something or hitting an inanimate object before giving their partner a slap or a punch and then it builds up. But he has gone from 0-100 in one night after 18 years! I would be more scared of this than being with a knowingly violent man

This is not true. I have helped work on research relating to this that shows that up to 50% of men who go on to do something in the most serious DV category are not known to police beforehand. Now it could be that they just always evaded them, but it does seem that for a significant minority, there's a massive escalation all of a sudden. It doesn't fit the known pattern of 'escalation' and multiple attempts at all, which is why this cannot be ignored.

OP everyone has told you what to do, his behaviour is in the most worrying category and the fact it came from nothing makes it extremely risky for you. Whatever is behind it, whatever is causing it, you have to stay safe and that means staying away and reporting the crime.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 24/10/2021 00:15

I mean you are right- this is very worrying and very dangerous, but it's not true everything escalates slowly with severe DV over a long time, sometimes it does, sometimes it appears out of the blue, this is not that uncommon strangely enough.

AnnieSnap · 24/10/2021 00:17

If he has never been aggressive to you in 18 years, there must be something causing this other than his character/lack of impulse control. I would speak to him by phone before you go anywhere near him. If he us remorseful, get him to move out do you can go back and be safe.

A change where ‘out of character’ aggression flares can be caused by steroid use, a head (brain) injury or a brain tumour (benign or malignant).

Of course these comments are made assuming there isn’t more that you have yet to tell us.

ThatsWhatI · 24/10/2021 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Kanaloa · 24/10/2021 00:23

Yes, you leave. A dog who bites once will bite again. And even if he doesn’t attack you again, it’s in your head isn’t it? ‘Better not argue with him right now as I don’t want to set him off.’ ‘Maybe I should just do this job, don’t want him to get angry.’

And those who say maybe he just ‘flipped’ because she’s controlling etc - the option there is to leave. Not to attack someone in a sustained physical way.

Kanaloa · 24/10/2021 00:23

And even if that was the case the only option is still to leave.

AnnieSnap · 24/10/2021 00:23

@OnwardsAndSideways1

It is of course bad to hurt your partner but they usually start by throwing something or hitting an inanimate object before giving their partner a slap or a punch and then it builds up. But he has gone from 0-100 in one night after 18 years! I would be more scared of this than being with a knowingly violent man

This is not true. I have helped work on research relating to this that shows that up to 50% of men who go on to do something in the most serious DV category are not known to police beforehand. Now it could be that they just always evaded them, but it does seem that for a significant minority, there's a massive escalation all of a sudden. It doesn't fit the known pattern of 'escalation' and multiple attempts at all, which is why this cannot be ignored.

OP everyone has told you what to do, his behaviour is in the most worrying category and the fact it came from nothing makes it extremely risky for you. Whatever is behind it, whatever is causing it, you have to stay safe and that means staying away and reporting the crime.

Being unknown to the Police doesn’t mean there is no DV. It’s like rape in that only a small percentage is reported.