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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 18 years husband attacked me

207 replies

Desperate885 · 23/10/2021 22:17

After a heated argument my husband of 18 years attacked me. We were arguing over money and the kids He threw his phone at me which missed and smashed then grabbed my hair and tried to push me down the stairs I managed to keep from falling but once at the bottom grabbed me round the throat. He has never been violent before and luckily both children were out for the night I don’t know what to do I left to go to a hotel but have to go back as have no where else to go and don’t want to let the children know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel. Is it over or worth fighting for? I have no family to confide in and our friends are joint friends
Do I leave or stay

OP posts:
ElleStartingOver · 24/10/2021 08:58

I’m glad you’re safe.

Well done for reaching out for support and I hope you do report it. In domestic violence cases an occupation order can be rushed through in as little as 24 hours so the house won’t be as difficult to sell as you think, if you decide to sell you will be able to live there until the sale goes through.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this x

grapewine · 24/10/2021 09:02

He pushed you down the stairs and tried to choke you. Of course you should leave. With the children.

happytoday73 · 24/10/2021 09:08

I really do understand that after do many safe years together this must be really hard to get your head around...
.... Bug this isn't just a push or a second of a pad choice (not that that's acceptable either)
That's a sustained attack and the hands around your throat is particularly worrying.
He hadn't tried to contact you as that would be evidence of what he did...

The normal pattern would be that it soon happens again and is worse. My real concern is this has escalated so much the next attack could kill you.

Please please leave.. For your safety and your children's... It could be them next

2Two · 24/10/2021 09:14

Contact the police, also contact solicitors about getting an injunction. Women's Aid could help with reliable solicitors.

Tiredofbs123 · 24/10/2021 09:15

‘Our arguments have also been heated when talking about money he has never liked to be open and discuss things usually walks away and gives me 2 weeks of silent treatment then wants to be friends again’

OP this is a form of abuse. He has shown a pattern of manipulation and control for years. He punished you every time you brought up things he didn’t want to discuss. This has clearly silenced you, but it’s now not working. So he’s upped his anti, not ‘snapped’ just upped his level of abuse. I’m so glad you’re seeking help and reporting him. He’s extremely dangerous. Please take care of yourself.

MzHz · 24/10/2021 09:16

The hands around the neck is absolutely a huge flag for potentially fatal eventuality

I know that’s scary, but it’s better you’re safe

beastlyslumber · 24/10/2021 09:17

@MeltedEggMum2 - I just read your story and wanted to send love Flowers. I hope things are going well for you and your kids and that the abusive ex is all the way gone from your life.

mdh2020 · 24/10/2021 09:20

You have to leave. This will never be a one off. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t cause it and he will do it again. I no this devastating but for your own safety, please leave him.

Dontjudgeme101 · 24/10/2021 09:22

I am so glad that your ok op and that you have contacted the police and your friends. You are one brave woman and you deserve to be with a man who respects and loves you. I will be thinking of you and your children. You will get over this. It will take time, but you will come out at the other side. I really admire and respect you op, it’s not easy to you, what you have done. 💐💐💐💐

Sally090807 · 24/10/2021 09:22

He tried to push you down the stairs, if he had succeeded you could of been seriously injured or died. You can’t live in fear of this happening again no matter how remorseful he is,

IncessantNameChanger · 24/10/2021 09:24

Go to the police today while you still have bruises so that the police can see and take photos for evidence. In a week or two that option will be gone. You could report it this morning and then decide at a later date about charges

WithMyEncyclopedia · 24/10/2021 09:24

Glad you are ok.
The weeks of silent treatment is absolutely textbook, I'm afraid - there's a longrunning thread by a lady whose husband "sulked" for years every time she did something "wrong". It eventually culminated in a full on psychotic break, very scary for all involved.
So just because he hasn't tried before to kill you in two different ways in one night before now doesn't mean he's any different from the violent men who kill or seriously hurt their partners.

MeltedEggMum2 · 24/10/2021 09:33

[quote beastlyslumber]@MeltedEggMum2 - I just read your story and wanted to send love Flowers. I hope things are going well for you and your kids and that the abusive ex is all the way gone from your life.[/quote]
Thank you. Flowers

I've worked hard on my grey rock technique and it's paid off - minimal drama from him, and I'm forming strong boundaries around what I deem acceptable from other people. This means I've since lost more friends and no longer speak to my mum. But they weren't safe to be in my life, so oh well.

I have secured a full time job and the DC are ticking along nicely. We're much, much better off. No question.

Tiredofbs123 · 24/10/2021 09:36

Anyone who is talking about him ‘snapping’ or ‘there must have been more to it’ needs to read the books or watch the talks by Luke and Ryan Hart, and gain some insight into the this danger of this narrative to women and children.

Motorina · 24/10/2021 09:37

I agree with what everyone has said but if this is genuinely out of the blue, I would be considering an underlying medical condition. A brain tumour is the obvious one.

It doesn't change what the OP does in the short term (get out, get safe, get it documented) but if this has genuinely come out of nowhere after 18 years then I would suggest the husband needs to see their GP sharpish.

category12 · 24/10/2021 09:40

It's not out of the blue - OP says he has a history of giving the silent treatment for up to a fortnight, and I bet there are other emotionally abusive behaviours she hasn't mentioned or acknowledged. That he's become violent is an escalation but not out of character.

KevinTheKoala · 24/10/2021 09:50

You need to phone the police and report this, I know you are probably in shock and feeling a bit numb to it all right now but he is an extremley dangerous man. Ignore all the posters here asking to hear both sides of the story/asking if he's contrite (obviously no clue about abusers!) they are spouting victim blaming bullshit!! You are not to blame - that is entirely on your husband and now your only worry is to protect yourself and your children. The police should be able to remove him and you should be able to get a non molestation order, change the locks and get a solicitor but the first step is obviously police. I'm so sorry this has happened Flowers

gogohm · 24/10/2021 09:50

Please call the police now, they can arrest him, help you get a restraining order and assist you to permanently leave. You need to confide in family and friends too

felulageller · 24/10/2021 09:58

Phone the police while there's still physical evidence.

BadNomad · 24/10/2021 09:58

I don't think you seem to realise that throwing someone down the stairs and choking them is not "just" someone lashing out in anger. It's attempted murder. At that moment your husband hated you so much he wanted you dead. You need to get him away from you.

LakieLady · 24/10/2021 10:15

So sorry this has happened to you, OP, and I hope you've reported.

Flowers
Boudiccasback · 24/10/2021 10:20

Call the police, he could of killed you

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2021 10:28

Bloody hell, OP, how terrifying that the one person who is supposed to be your sidekick, the one supporting you and being there for you through life and helping you get through terrible times, is the exact person who has assaulted you so badly and been the cause of this awful event. You must be in terrible shock. You are doing great with sorting the practicalities out but it will hit you soon, the shock of it, so surround yourself by people who can support and love you.

MilduraS · 24/10/2021 10:35

To echo the other posters you do need to get out to a safe place for now.

I also think it's important to ask, how is his health? My parents have been happily married for 35 years. Over the past few months my dad became very irritable and would have angry outbursts. He's never been the type to get worked up about things but my mum put it down to stress at work. A couple of weeks ago he was vomiting and suddenly became very confused. My mum had to force him into the car and take him to hospital where they explained he had critically low levels of sodium. It would have happened gradually and the anger was a symptom of his condition. He's still in hospital now because they have to raise sodium levels slowly to avoid organ failure. The confusion is improving but he's still irritable and not at all himself.

ThirdElephant · 24/10/2021 10:36

You're doing the right thing by reporting it. Don't delay on that- do it today and get the police's advice on what your next steps should be.