Please be kind.
I'm already feeling volatile about this and loathe myself for the way I'm behaving.
DH doesn't listen to me unless I'm shouting at him. He literally pays no attention. He doesn't remember conversations we've had, says "ok" to my requests but doesn't follow through or just blatantly ignores me.
There was a situation last week whereby he had asked me to arrange something for him. I did it, but he criticised the way I'd done it. I tried explaining that he hadn't communicated specifically what he needed from me, but he couldn't grasp what I was saying at all and I ended up shouting to get him to listen. I feel invisible unless I'm shouting.
I asked him specifically and calmly to stop lunging the children at me when they were playing "flying" on the sofa. I had a pen in my hand and was trying to write a shopping list. The pen almost poked DC in the eye so I requested he stop. He then did it again and the pen poked DC in the eye. I shouted angrily at him and found myself repeating "why do I need to shout to be listened to?!"
Then I've specifically asked him to take DCs out on a Sunday morning for an hour or 2 so that I can clean the house. I'm not asking him to do any cleaning, just take them out and I will do it. He would usually take them swimming at this time pre lockdown so it's when I get the cleaning done. I don't mind doing it provided I have the space to.We've had several conversations around this, reminders etc. He always nods away. We are in a bubble with his Mother, so he has somewhere to take them even if the weather is bad.
Yesterday, after cleaning upstairs, I came downstairs and the house was a tip, I asked him to tidy up so I could clean assuming he would be taking DCs out as usual (they are very small so cause more mess as I'm cleaning and it becomes an impossible task, hence him needing to take them out). I went for a shower instead believing he was tidying and getting them ready to leave the house, came back downstairs and the house was even more of a tip and he proclaimed "we're not going out today."
I found myself reminding him of the copious amount of conversations we've had around this and he glazed over as if they'd never happened. He then said that he would clean and watch DCs at the same time, no big deal. Completely missing the point that Sunday mornings are my time to get a bit of space and quiet to do a few jobs. I even had to use the analogy of me keeping DCs away from his office so that he can work during the week and that I needed the same from him on a Sunday morning for 2 hours.
He just came at me with counter arguments. I lost my temper and shouted in his face. I felt like my head was going to explode as he failed to listen to anything I was saying despite all the conversations we've had around this. I ended up crying and going out for 4 hours on my own to calm down. I've been up most of the night feeling ashamed of myself for losing my temper so much recently. On the other hand, this man just does not take in anything I'm saying unless I'm shouting. This isn't who I want to be.
In general life, he appears to need a lot of sensory stimulation. He's extremely loud himself, always has big bright lights on, loud music, makes big movements. I'm starting to wonder if small sounds, calm requests just have no impact on him, like he just can't hear them. I'm starting to wonder if he has a sensory problem? He would also do what I would describe as 'stimming' so I believe there could be a problem.
I've found that the only way I can avoid getting so angry with him is complete emotional distance from him and me treating him as I would an employee, dishing out regular black and white instructions and sharing the DCs in seperate time slots where we're not around each other. This isn't the way I want to live at all.
His parents tell me that he's never been much of a communicator. I feel I'm communicating very clearly but still not getting my needs met. I'm worried that I'm losing my mind sometimes. How do I relate to and navigate life with someone who follows their own unspoken agenda without much thought for much else?