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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted

233 replies

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 03:08

Name changed. Been with P 6 years. Fell asleep on Sofa tonight woke up went to bed. P fast asleep in bed you tube on. Turned it off messages open last message to ex from 22 46 "I love you with every fibre of my being" There's no excuse is there? I thought we were happy. I thought I knew him. I thought many things but at the very least he lies to me. Any advice MN bar do not do the pick me dance. I suppose I decide what I want and do that.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 06/02/2021 03:15

Have you looked through their messages? How long does the chat ho back?

Original poster
Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 03:20

Just the messages that were on the screen. Turned it off as what more do I need to know. This is the mother of his children. They are still married. Nisi granted. They split 7/8 years ago. She has just broken up with her new partner- father of her youngest.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 06/02/2021 03:25

I'm sorry op. I am no expert but on here they advise you screenshot or photograph the messages before you confront him or do anything. Do that now while he's sleeping. More knowledgeable MN's will be able to help you better than me.

MsDogLady · 06/02/2021 03:31

I’m so sorry, OP. This is a crushing betrayal which cannot be denied, deflected or minimized. I would end the relationship immediately and tell him to leave. Do you have any supportive family/friends? 🌻

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 03:35

I thought about that. Then thought why bother? The words are imprinted forever. If he loves her he should go be with her. I have no need to prove what I saw. I saw it nothing could convince me otherwise. No minimising or gaslighting could change it and why else would you say that. Either he loves her- so go. Or he is lying to her that he loves her- and why on earth would you do that? Just not sure what I want to do. It's 3 34. I am sat here rethinking our relationship and my future.

BlueThistles · 06/02/2021 03:37

Im so sorry OP.,, 6 years over in a heartbeat ...

I hope you find the strength to end this on your terms... do not let him control the narrative... he is betraying you with every breath he takes ...

🌺

feellikeanun · 06/02/2021 03:42

Who ended their marriage?

honeysuckle21 · 06/02/2021 03:50

Do you normally spend your evenings separately? If you've been drifting apart then maybe you weren't realising that is not that happy after all? I would wake him up and Chuck him out.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2021 04:07

Show him the door and he can hope it doesn't hit his arse on the way out.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2021 04:07

I would wake him up and Chuck him out.

I agree. Completely.

2020iscancelled · 06/02/2021 04:39

So sorry OP. It is a crushing betrayal and even if there is no affair, no active cheating or no feelings on her part returned, he has betrayed you and your relationship.
If he feels he is in love with her then let him go and be with her. Either way the damage is done for you now.

I had something similar happen to me in my marriage, I immediately ended it. He was out. There weren’t really any big scenes, no screaming or shouting or flinging clothes out the window.
I simply told him he was to leave, if he loved someone else then that’s where he should be.
All of my energy went into keeping myself focused on me.
A lot of self care, support from friends and a steely resolve that I deserved much much more from a partner.
I got through it and so do so many other women. I am now happier than ever.

This could be the start of a totally new life for you, make the decision to kick him out, focus on you and put all of your energy into healing - not trying to work out why he’s done this or scrabbling around trying to make it make sense. He’s done. Over.

You will be ok, I promise!

blinkybill47 · 06/02/2021 05:15

So sorry op.

That's absolutely awful

Sakurami · 06/02/2021 05:25

The last message was from him to her or from her to him? I'm so sorry op ((())

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 06:51

Him to her. They split up as she wanted more children. He did not. There was no compromise to be had.

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 06:59

No we spend evenings together. But if I fall asleep watching a film together it is impossible to wake me. We have no children together obviously. I have two living with us both older though. Late teens.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2021 07:00

I’m sorry op. I don’t think it’s feasible to be second best or a consolation prize and maintain any self esteem or dignity, not when you know he’s settling.

💐

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 07:14

@Bluntness100 that is an excellent point!

AlwaysCheddar · 06/02/2021 07:24

Whose house do you live him? Have you got lids? Can you kick him out? Dont be second best.

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 07:27

The house is in both names. Equal shares.

RantyAnty · 06/02/2021 07:37

You can ask him to leave so you can have some space and then contact a solicitor about the house and go from there. If you have a joint account remove the money from it before he does.

Flowers
fuzzymoon · 06/02/2021 08:16

I'm so sorry this has happened however I guess it's good you know exactly where you stand in your relationship.
Try to work out the next steps before talking to him , even write them down , to keep you on track with how you deal with him and the situation it's going to cause.

Keep asking for advice on here. There are some posters that give good constructive answers and support.Thanks

YouJustDoYou · 06/02/2021 08:20

I'm so, so sorry op.

pictish · 06/02/2021 08:22

I’m in agreement with everyone else. There’s really no coming back from that. Poor you, I’m so sorry. Good luck.

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 06/02/2021 09:51

Thank you all. I am just in shock I guess. Things have been off for a couple of months I knew something was wrong but was not sure what. Now I know it makes sense. It's just the deceit .Always been a firm believer in if you are unhappy say. Whats the point in staying if your hearts elsewhere or even if you just do not want to be there any more. I said I knew something was wrong and asked if he was happy - apparently yes although lockdown hard etc many other things about home life and kids that aren't really relevant to this but could contribute to being unhappy. Asked if he wants to leave - even if that's to be alone- apparently no. If he wants them to become a family again - apparently not. However he does not know yet that I saw the messages. He is out today with their 3 children so I have time to think before taking action fortunately. On the plus side we are not reliant on each other in any way financially so that makes things easier. And re consulting a solicitor- that's what I do and my best friend deals with non matrimonial splits as part of her family practice which means advice there is easy to get. I have heard more about forced sales due to her vents about work when stressed ( all without reference to individuals of course) than I ever thought I would need. I have her to talk to and a few other friends- no family - but it feels like once I tell them it's real. Stupid I know as obviously it is real. Just need to accept it myself first.

pictish · 06/02/2021 10:13

Take the day. Process.
It’s good you have such practical knowledge and support behind you.