My mom keeps criticising, insulting my long-term boyfriend, soon to be fiancé.

[Ellebau]

I met my boyfriend in college and we’ve been together for 5 years now. His parents like me. And mine like him(seem to). My father is always supportive of my decisions.
But my mom keeps insulting, criticising my boyfriend every chance she gets. Mentioning every time that she could’ve found someone better for me.
My boyfriend is a resident doctor, extremely loving, no bad habits, nothing. But every person has a few flaws. And she keeps pointing them, mostly his financial status (which is good btw. Just not the billionaire kind) and that he’ll have to start a hospital or job, etc without a family medical background. Sometimes to a level that I go in SELF DOUBT. Whether I’ll ever be happy or content with him and then I feel guilty for thinking that. It’s extremely frustrating since I’m living with her currently post covid preparing for my entrance exam.
I don’t know what to do. No matter how much anger and hurt I show her, she does it again in a day or two. I can’t tell my boyfriend because I don’t want him to think negative of my mom.
I’ve seen moms who adore their son-in-laws. They’re such good friends. And it saddens me a lot that I won’t have it. Please advise.

You love him, he sounds good, leave your parents behind and go live your independent adult life with him. It sounds like you’re not in the U.K. and maybe there are cultural issues here? My parents wanted me to marry for love, not for status and wealth.

Yea not UK. And no cultural issues.
I’m also a doctor. (Just graduated)
I used to live in another city for college. But due to my parent’s apprehension regarding covid and repeated requests to shift home for internship, I moved back for a year.
Obviously I do and am going to live my independent life. “But I don’t want to cut off ties with my parents.” I do respect them and love them a lot. That’s amazing your parents wanted that.
I needed advice on how to solve this issue, or at least make things better.

It’s time to pull on your Big Girl Pants, OP.

You’re an adult, and your mother needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that it’s time to start treating you as such. You need to take a much more robust approach with her. Tell her that you have heard her concerns about your partner, but that you disagree and it’s time to agree to differ like adults. Next time she brings it up, shut the discussion down immediately and bluntly, then change the subject. This will be very difficult the first time you do it, but it will get easier.

Good luck.

Sounds like jealousy to me. Think about it, I suffered a bit of jealousy of my own son who has achieved a lot in a subject i would have loved to have the opportunity to excel in. I had to wobble my head and I even confessed it to him. Us older mums are not facing the exciting prospects that your time of life gives, and you sound very fortunate. She’s trying to pull down your amazing life so it is not so hard to deal with. I would not put too much store by it and crack on.

That makes sense. Thank you for the advice :)

Am I doing the right thing by not telling my boyfriend about it? Should I?

What is your mum's career if a doctor as a son in law isn't good enough?
You need to tell her to stop. Let her know that she is putting you in a position where you are going to have to choose between them, or that it is going to affect the relationship between you and her, and that it won't go in her favour.

The main issue is that you let your mum live in your head rent free. You are a grown up, so what if she finds fault, you don’t.

I might be missing the point but I wondered why he was a boyfriend soon to be a fiancé? Surely if you’ve discussed marriage he’s already a fiancé?

The reason I ask was I wondered if he was showing any commitment problems or if she was expecting him to ask your dad for your hand. I know that’s very old fashioned, sexist twaddle, but just wondering if there’s a tiny chance she has different cultural expectations or if she has spotted a red flag that you haven’t with his commitment.

@stealthninjamum

I might be missing the point but I wondered why he was a boyfriend soon to be a fiancé? Surely if you’ve discussed marriage he’s already a fiancé?

The reason I ask was I wondered if he was showing any commitment problems or if she was expecting him to ask your dad for your hand. I know that’s very old fashioned, sexist twaddle, but just wondering if there’s a tiny chance she has different cultural expectations or if she has spotted a red flag that you haven’t with his commitment.

As far as I know, you call your boyfriend “fiancé” after you’re engaged. And we’re going to be engaged. There’s certainly no commitment issue from his side. He’s ready for future steps. And my mom knows that. In fact I’m the one holding it off for the time as I’m younger than him, I just completed my graduation, am a doctor, preparing for a tough exam, and I want to at least be ‘doing’ post grad in a speciality when I marry.

I'm confused, why is him not having a family medical background a problem? I've never encountered this being an issue for anyone before?

Whatever the case, if you're happy with your choice of future fiance then you need to stand up for him. Imagine how you'd feel if he let his parents be needlessly judgemental of you.

“I'm confused, why is him not having a family medical background a problem? I've never encountered this being an issue for anyone before?”

Same here. Talk about looking for problems. If your BF is blazing a trail as a doctor being the first in his family to do so, that’s to be admired, surely. Or does she mean that having family connections would ensure a better job? Either way, her objections seem deeply unreasonable.

I don’t see why you can’t get engaged now if you intend to marry - you can just have a longer engagement to accommodate your career plans. That’s what my friends who were in a similar situation to you did. But again, maybe where you are there are cultural factors which work against a long engagement.

It’s difficult but unless you think deep down your DM’s objections have some foundation, you need to push back. At least don’t let them drive your decision-making.

I wasn’t trying to be nit picky op it’s just that really he already is your fiancée, the term ‘getting engaged’ seems like maybe you are expecting your fiancée to do a big proposal and I just wondered if there was a reticence that your mum had noticed but it sounds like that’s not the case.

FWIW my mum hated my bf and I went no contact with her for a couple of years because I couldn’t see any reason for it. I didn’t tell him what was said because it was hurtful and I didn’t want him to hate her, although she has always been difficult. She improved when we had kids and she wanted to be a grandma. Now we are divorcing she loves him and calls him more than me so I think I just have an odd mum!

Your mother sounds overbearing and her own anxiety seems to be leading her to control you.

Changing your plans to appease their ‘apprehension’ over COVID was quite extreme, and now your Mother is working up irrational fears and objections and being negative.

Its the old adage: You can’t change someone’s behaviour just how you react to it. “ I would say very firmly “Mum, you have made your opinion very clear. I do not agree with you and this line of conversation is now at an end for me” and every single time she brings it up again blank or ignore her. Walk away calmly, shrug and say ‘not going there’ and ignore her in your own mind. Visualise a wall round your thoughts and feelings that her comments cannot get through.

Good luck in your exams, and I hope you can move out as soon as possible.

She isn't behaving nicely. I woundnt live with my mum as she is very critical of everything I do. Only yesterday my career choice. Yes she doesn't even work. So I know it's jealously and I fear that is wrong with your mum.

Thankyou everyone for your advice. It actually made me feel good and a little optimistic. :)

@Dery @stealthninjamum yea being engaged for long isn’t very acceptable but not being engaged is not an issue for any of us either. And the background thing is because here govt jobs or jobs in general aren’t very fruitful. My dad has a private hospital. And many others do. I think my mom always assumed I’ll be the “2nd gen” in this profession. Not having to ‘build everything from scratch’.
But nevertheless my dad never had a issue about this. He says people who rise on their own value things more. But mom wants a more comfortable life for me idk.
They’re both right. And I accepted that. But for some reason my mom has become ‘Bitter’. She doesn’t “discuss”, just throws a random hurtful, insulting comment.

But thankyou everyone! @RainingBatsAndFrogs will try the wall thing. It’s new and won’t hurt anyone! Hoping it’ll work for me.

Ah OK. It does sound like there are significant cultural differences between your home and the UK that might make it difficult to give balanced advice.

Personally I don't think that your mum is right at all (in fact, judging someone for because their family aren't in the medical profession makes her sound terrible to me... even if this makes getting jobs harder.).

But like I say, there may be cultural issues that I can't understand being from the UK.

I wouldn’t tell your boyfriend but I would stand up to her every single time she makes a negative comment and politely shut the conversation down. It will be easier to do once you move back out again!