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Paid OLD sites verses the free ones.
17

Somethingmavelous · 15/01/2021 00:28

I'm a catch.
Good looking. Own house. Decent Savings/Earnings. Interesting career. No children (which is a sadness for myself - but I can see the benefits for a potential partner). Educated. Well-Spoken/Travelled/Cultured. I'm Witty, Kind & Generous. I'm independent, can cook, drive, do diy, I'm stylish, happy, strong, worldly, compassionate, no health issues either physical or mental, I have close friends Etc etc etc.
(I'm sorry if this comes across big-headed, I'm actually modest in RL and actually all of the above would apply to all my female friends - but they are all coupled up).

Unfortunately I'm in my mid-40s.

I've been on the free apps on and off since my married ended in divorce a year ago.
I don't live a big city, but I'm not too rural.

I'm sorry, I've been on a few dates, and had a couple of short flings, but the men on these apps aren't worth my time.

I'm sure there are lovely ones on there, but I guess I'm looking for a life partner, and I want an equal, these men don't appear to be that.

I know I'm going to have to make a name change after this post because I'm coming across as a bitch, but I'm just saying it as I see it.

I work in a tiny female only environment, I'm not changing careers or where I live, I love them both too much.

I'm not into 'male' hobbies or the gym, I do exercise, but mostly alone as that's my down time. None of my friends/family know of any men of my age who are single and dateable.

Where am I going to meet a guy? I miss sex, intimacy, cosy chats, kisses, human contact and love.

Someone at work suggested Match or Eharmony are they worth signing up for?
Do introduction agencies still exist?

I'm losing hope and I have so much to give to a relationship, I'm fed up of being single!

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Ilovegreentomatoes · 15/01/2021 00:34

Match is the worst site I've been on.
Poor traffic you cannot even filter without paying extra .The men are the same men on the free sites actually a lot of worse. I'm early 40s and keep getting 20 something men trying it on which does not interest me as I'm not looking to be a sugar mummy. Can't even filter them out hopeless ! Never tried any other paid site but friends who have say they are all the same and I can believe it.

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Enough4me · 15/01/2021 00:40

I tried paid sites, but often the men were on the free sites too. In the end I met my partner on POF, but I searched and found him, filtered lots out, blocked too many to count.

It's better to assume that it will take time and perseverance and no quick result!

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ComtesseDeSpair · 15/01/2021 00:43

I don’t think paid sites have any better “quality” of user than free ones; I’d imagine people who pay think they’re entitled to a better experience, though, and that isn’t a particularly attractive attitude to have when dating. And just because somebody wants a relationship badly enough that they’re willing to pay for a site doesn’t make them a better candidate for a relationship, if you see what I mean. Plus most who use a paid site generally also use free sites as well, you just need to be more ruthless and efficient at churning through the chaff to find the wheat.

I’ve always used OKC and Tinder, and I’ve never had a bad date or met anyone weird or creepy. I have an awesome profile (because I’m awesome) which is really clear about who I am and what I’m looking for and, I think, must have a je ne sais quoi about it which lets idiots know they don’t stand a chance because I get a lot of good messages and intros and it’s very rare an idiot messages me.

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MLM268 · 15/01/2021 01:38

I was on Match, POF, Tinder and Bumble haha. Match was the worst, mainly because it annoyed the crap out of me that I'd paid for it to see the same men as on the free sites. I met my partner on POF, but as above it took a lot of filtering!

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Saltandvinegar86 · 15/01/2021 01:47

I think maybe your perception of yourself is a tiny bit inaccurate- your tone is awful. Maybe the problem isn’t the sites it the men you have met- maybe nice men just aren’t looking for a narcissist?

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Whichnamepls · 15/01/2021 03:02

I used Match but not because I thought the men would be any 'better'. I decided to do that as I noticed I tended to take it more seriously myself when I'd paid up rather than when I used the free ones. I'd put a bit more effort into weeding out the men who met my criteria, whereas with Tinder for example I found most men didn't bother to write anything in their profile so it was all based on looks alone.

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SarahBellam · 15/01/2021 06:10

Match worked for me. Set my filters to rule out the complete dross. Treated it as a chance to get to know some new people rather than a dating site and met some amazing people - a millionaire with a yacht and an Aston Martin, a golfing transvestite, someone who designed the ‘sound’ for stadium rock concerts, a resteraunteur, a weird guy who would probably have been quite controlling if it had gone anywhere, a bomb disposal expert, an horologist...it was great! And then I met Mr SarahBellam, who is a funny, smart, kind engineer, and we’ve been together for 6 years. You know what you bring to the party, so pay your £60 and get your disco trousers on.

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Somethingmavelous · 15/01/2021 06:23

@Saltandvinegar86

I think maybe your perception of yourself is a tiny bit inaccurate- your tone is awful. Maybe the problem isn’t the sites it the men you have met- maybe nice men just aren’t looking for a narcissist?

I'm not a narc, and I did that that yes I'm going to come across as an arse, even if I am not in RL.
I doing think I am usually great, as I said, all of my lovely down-to-earth friends have all those qualities too, so do lots of women on the dating threads I'm sure from what I can glean.
I don't put what I've written on this post on my dating profile - I'm putting myself out there and being honest on here because it's an anonymous forum and I want honest advice about where the date-able guys are?
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SexyGiraffe · 15/01/2021 06:46

Introduction agencies do still exist. A friend of mine met her husband through one. They are quite pricey so they do tend to only get people who are serious about finding a partner. Unfortunately I don't know the name of it, but it was a proper old-style agency.

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CodenameVillanelle · 15/01/2021 06:53

It's perfectly fine that you know your worth. You don't sound like a narcissist.
OLD is tough because at our age there aren't many high quality prospects out there. Many of the decent men are married and settled. Many of the still single men are single because they are awful. You need patience and time.

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SexyGiraffe · 15/01/2021 06:58

Maybe Sarah Eden?

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OldChinaJug · 15/01/2021 07:12

I don't think you come across as a 'narcissist' or an arse.

I'd those are your qualities and that's your position then those are your qualities and that's your position! There is nothing wrong with a woman recognising her value and her worth.

I'd describe myself similarly to you and I found online dating just as bad when I did it 10 years ago. I have occasionally looked since, just to see if I'm missing anything since, and I'm not.

The problem is that men who are in your position are looking for women in their 20s and feel that's what they 'deserve' precisely because they possess the attributes you describe. Men who arent in your position are either intimidated by women like you or are looking for women like you to support them. Very few are looking for an equal partner. And even the ones who are are still looking for someone 20 years younger to be it.

I'm in my 40s and it seems to me that, if I want a relationship, I'm expected to want a jowly, overweight, has been man in his 60s.

When I was 41, I met up for a drink with a man I knew through a hobby. He was nearly 70. We got on well enough and a drink seemed like a nice enough way to fill an evening. It was only half way through the evening that i realised he thought we were on a date!

I'm of no interest at all to men my own age.

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Summerhillsquare · 15/01/2021 07:20

I used bumble. Feminist tinder, as it styles itself. There are extra paid for options, preview who has liked you etc but you make the first move regardless. So it's good if you're an assertive kind of woman.

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Fullmoonparty · 15/01/2021 07:47

You don’t sound like a narc at all, jeez so now women aren’t allowed to recognise their fabulous qualities and be loud and proud about it?!! You sound like you have everything to offer and like you know exactly what you want, so hang in there and stick to your boundaries. I don’t think the paid sites are any different, I met my partner on Tinder and like others have said you seem to find the same people on the paid/free ones. The only other option which I haven’t tried, and if one could afford it, would be paying for a proper matchmaking company...do they even exist in the UK? I know they do in the States - I think a service like that probably would be worth paying for....

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DianaT1969 · 15/01/2021 08:14

Although you say you don't do male hobbies, I still think you need to be where your type of men hangout. That could be a tennis club, golf course, sailing holiday, hiking, conference, airport lounge, a rural pub on Sunday afternoon with the dogs, a university city.... You know what your ideal partner does at the weekend. Try to overlap into his world.

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whereiwanttobe · 15/01/2021 08:23

I met my husband on OK Cupid, when I was 53 and a couple of years out of a long marriage. I dated for just over a year, met some interesting and not so interesting people, and had a brief fling before I met him. I tried Match, The Guardian Soulmates and POF but think OK Cupid worked for me because you can answer literally hundreds of questions which go below the superficial. I think I answered about 100 before I got bored!

We would never have met normally, and we are very definitely not an obvious match through background, education or career. We also lived on opposite sides of London. But the algorithm said we were a 94% match based on our answers, and apparently it was right. We've been together almost 7 years now and are very happy, so maybe it's worth trying?

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itsme · 15/01/2021 08:32

I met my husband on bumble, paid the small fee to see who liked me, messaged him and here we are! Honestly, though I've used match, POF, tinder etc and found the same men all on them. I think with match you just pay for the same oddballs to message you as they would on POF etc.

Good luck with the dating.

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