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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Homeschooling, working and homelife

22 replies

Karz1980 · 14/01/2021 15:24

Hey there! I wonder if I could please have some advice from you lovely people please?
Like most of the world i'm wfh and homeschooling the children.
OH works although is home by 4 most days.
I work, homeschool the kids (11 and 8) then do household chores and cook and wash up etc etc (as we all do right!)
My question is do you think this is a stay at home role? The reason I ask is OH thinks I am a stay at home mum therefore am responsible for everything as he has to leave the home (my office is currently closed)

I personally don't think that's fair but wanted your views as its getting me down!

OH does occassionally cook and offers to help wash up (once ive started and almost finished) am I expecting too much for him to just get on with it when he's home? (this is including weekends as well).

If i ask him to help he tells me "he doesn't do that" and I'm accused of being miserable!

Thanks for your help

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 14/01/2021 15:37

Do you both work full time? If so he can do one!
I work full time and study and do childcre for our 2 year old. If dp dared say I don't do that when I asked him to wah up or hoover I would hit the roof.he needs to be told that's out of line
If you work say 3 days then I'd assume you'd do more but not all of the household chores tbf but he'd still have to.
Honestly I'd go on strike don't cook for him, wash his clothes as a minimum. If he asks just say sorry I don't do that it's not my job!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 15:40

He is not pulling his weight at all and is showing you by words and deed that the household stuff and childcare is your sole job. This man neither respects what you do within the home nor your own self. You probably also do not want to have sex with him either given he espouses such misogynistic sexist views.

What is the very point of him at home?. What does he do when he arrives home?. Sits around and expects you to wait on him?.

I would be thinking long and hard about your relationship with him and whether it is worth continuing with. What do you want to teach your children also about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Original poster

Karz1980 · 14/01/2021 15:41

Thank you! I'm full time too so yes am thinking of going on strike for him! I honestly feel like i have a teenager in the house with me!

Thanks for your help!

OP posts:

Angeldust2810 · 14/01/2021 15:44

I don’t understand this kind of attitude. If he was single, he wouldn’t cook, clean or do washing because he works? What does he think single parents do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 15:45

Going on strike won't work in the long run. How about instead sending him packing back to his mother's?.

What you need to do is to properly start thinking about what life would be like without him in it day to day. You already have two children, you do not further need this man telling you its not his job to do anything inside the home. Start taking some power and control back for your own self here.

Original poster

Karz1980 · 14/01/2021 15:45

I agree its so sad because he was never like that before I dont know what changed and why to be honest! He comes home and plays computer with the kids so in his mind he's doing something! He doesn't enjoy listening about their work which is why I encourage and praise them as much as possible in that area.

I know i'm doing a good job with my kids and an incident happened yesterday where I was yelled at about dinner and my 11 year old told me thats not how you treat people! At least I know i'm doing right by him and even he knows whats right and wrong!
And yes as for sex.......no you're absolutely right that doesn't happen!

OP posts:

mindutopia · 14/01/2021 15:48

No, you are working. The same as him. I normally work from home quite regularly (and then also work quite long days in the office the other days) - obviously completely home since March now. My working days are working days. I may put some wash on or load the dishwasher or accept a parcel, but it's not a day off. At the moment, dh and I are doing exactly what we would always do in our non-working hours, plus he takes off the mornings (til 12) to assist with dc while I work, and then he leaves for work and works in the afternoon and I pick up with dc. He's self-employed, so losing money doing this, but it's not possible for me to manage homeschooling and a toddler (who is also home) and my demanding job completely on my own.

That's not possible for everyone and it wasn't possible for us in the first lockdown and dh had work booked in for clients that couldn't be re-scheduled. The solution to that was I literally did nothing with the house or dc when dh was home. Mornings, late afternoons and evenings were entirely my own time. He did the dc, cooking, bedtime, etc. so I had time freed up to work.

BumbleBiscuit · 14/01/2021 15:49

Are the his children?

If not get rid of him like yesterday. If they are still get rid of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 15:52

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What is the point of continuing with this relationship really and truly?.
This is who he is. You either put up with it or tell him this is no longer working for you and for him to move out and or otherwise return to his mother's.

So he plays on the computer with the kids; big bloody deal. Not hard to do that is it?. But he does not enjoy listening about their work so you're having to pick up on the slack here.

Your children are all too clearly picking up on his antipathy towards you as their mum as well. Its no relationship example to be showing them. Ultimately you and your kids will get on just fine without him day to day.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 15:54

You are facilitating him being able to work outside the home at all because of all the work you do within it. You're carrying him too and something will snap within you if it has not already because he is not at all doing his fair share nor does he want to.

omg35 · 14/01/2021 15:55

Wow. Definitely kick that into touch. I'd probably be doing slightly more than him as being at home is saving you commute time, though I'm sure that's being wiped out by home schooling through your working day, but he should definitely be pulling his weight more

Gliblet · 14/01/2021 15:59

OP this is completely unfair. I work full time in a busy role and am currently WFH. DH has recently taken on a 6 hour per week outdoor job but is usually a SAHD. He does most of DS's homeschooling with him, I do bits when I can around meetings. I make breakfasts, we split lunch and dinner prep (he cooks dinner more often than I do). If either of us (usually me) have time, we shove a load of laundry in to wash or take a load out to hang up. He walks the dog, I clean the bathroom. He does the food shop, I do clothes/household shopping (online for now). We make sure we both get some time to do things we enjoy, whether together or separately.

Your DH is not valuing the work you do for your family.

MillieEpple · 14/01/2021 16:10

Is there something else you haven't mentioned like he is an ICU nurse and its slightly traumatised when he gets back and you do something like organise glitter for parties part time?

Newusername21 · 14/01/2021 16:32

You're not a "stay at home Mum" You're a full-time working parent who happens to be working at home due to a global pandemic! Please don't try to do everything you'll exhaust yourself.
What did your partner used to do prior to lockdown last year? Unfortunately this pandemic has now been going on so long - our behaviours from March which were at the time were supposed to be temporary have now become habit. So If your partner didn't step up in March he's unlikely to do so now as he's assuming his contribution to the housework/childcare is enough. (whatever that is).
Perhaps you just need to sit him down and say "Look - I can't and shouldn't have to do everything. Please can we divide the chores a little more fairly"

hillarypcof · 14/01/2021 16:35

Stay at Home Mum's are mothers who do not work.

Stay at Home Mum's are not trying to juggle work with childcare.

Your husband needs to grow the F up and pull his weight!!!! 😡 This is not fair on you.

aoeu · 14/01/2021 16:37

He's being a dick.

If you're working from home then you're working. In fact, you're trying to work whilst also looking after the kids - you're doing even more.

But even if you weren't working from home (which you are) and were a stay at home mum? Doesn't give him a right to shout at you and avoid doing stuff. Once he walks in the door he should muck in and you're 50:50 or thereabouts.

Original poster

Karz1980 · 14/01/2021 16:46

Thanks all really reassuring comments here and deep down i know what I need to do.

No he's job is not anything compared to an ICU nurse or similar if it was i'd totally be ok and understanding with this! I'm a PA so although nothing like medical services still can be pressured at times

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 14/01/2021 16:48

You're doing three jobs. He's doing one. To answer your question, of course you're not a SAHM (not that there's anything wrong with that).

The question is... what are you going to do about the appalling way in which you're being treated (essentially you're the household skivvy)?

WakingUp55643 · 14/01/2021 17:03

Our situation is that dh is wfh, and I go out to work. Dh gets really stressed about his job, and works long hours (for a rubbish salary it has to be said) but lets everyone know about it. The kids are at home obviously, and mostly just try and get on with their work, he doesn't have any input. I get clothes out for them before I leave for work on a morning, make sure the eldest is up for his online lessons, set an alarm for the youngest so he doesn't forget to go online for his lesson. Then I text the eldest from the office to make sure they've both got sorted, deal with emails from school etc. So when I get home I start with making the tea, helping them with the work they haven't managed to do etc. Last night for example, I finished work at 5pm, had to go to my brother's to pick up his laptop (he's in hospital), get home for my physio appointment online, then go out to get some shopping, come home and have some tea, go to the hospital to drop off some things my brother needs, got home about 8.30pm and went straight upstairs to do the kids' baths and school work, all while he's lying on the sofa watching telly.

funnyoldonion · 14/01/2021 17:11

That's not on, does not sound like a good team player to me! It should be more like 50/50 if you both work full time and he's home by 4pm so should be taking care of tea at the very least. If my husband said, "I don't do that" I'd be fuming!

MsConstrue · 14/01/2021 17:21

He sounds awful quite frankly. It's also worrying your 11 year old is picking it up - this is modelling how relationships are to your children. I assume you don't want that.

I'd actually bin someone who behaved like this I think.

MixMatch · 14/01/2021 20:01

@Angeldust2810

I don’t understand this kind of attitude. If he was single, he wouldn’t cook, clean or do washing because he works? What does he think single parents do?

This is such a good point

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