Single but not looking? Share the highs & lows

[wherearthough]

This thread is for those who have decided, for whatever reason, to no longer pursue romantic relationships with men.

It's not the female equivalent of MGTOW ( many of us will be raising sons and have great relationships with male family members and friends) so the purpose is not to moan about male shortcomings, but rather to celebrate the rewards of no longer pursuing and maintaining relationships.

My story? I finished with my ex last year and it was only in the aftermath that I was able to see how much of myself I had suppressed.

Subsequently I have thrived and whilst I'm not ruling out dating again, it's not a priority (my standards are so high now he probably doesn't exist anyhow so if this resonates with you, jump right in and share the highs and lows of being single... but not seeking.

I am middle-aged, single and I am resigned to stay that way :) as I stopped actively dating (even before Covid). I am very happy in my own company and have some fantastic friends and interests in life so I rarely get lonely.

I think what did it for me was trying online dating for a few years. It was truly appalling. I was so disappointed by the amount of immature and unpleasant men I came across and the general appalling behaviour. It just put me off the whole thing.

I have a history of emotional and physical abuse in my past when I was a child/teenager and I simply refused to continue to interact with me who only saw me as a casual lay and who thought it was OK to treat me poorly.

If I meet a 'good' man organically as I go through life, I would love to have a relationship but I no longer take any forced steps to make that happen.

But I would never want to live with someone or let them control or have too much influence in my life.

I think as I grow older I have to accept that I need to make my own happiness rather than always seek a partner to make me happy...

I've been online dating and I've Facebook stalked people who I'm talking to to find out they've got girlfriends or wives. Its grim

@Botoxtime

I've been online dating and I've Facebook stalked people who I'm talking to to find out they've got girlfriends or wives. Its grim

Yeah I was doing that too, I feel so much better off OLD for the time being.

@ElectraBlue I'll second that. OLD is pretty much full of immature and unpleasant men. It's disheartening when a prospective date/partner turns out to be a jerk.

Another high, although probably already mentioned upthread, is having headspace. Not having another person dominating your thoughts and or pulling on your heartstrings.

It's a relief to be free of it. I wouldn't mind the sex but theres no one good at that it seems these days!! I actually find younger men nicer maybe they haven't had time to be bitter and nasty lol

I've gone back online

@Botoxtime that's ok if it makes you happy 😊

I was single and didn't date for four years in my late 20s and it was great. I loved the freedom and space to be me, do what I wanted to do and get my s**t together. I was living abroad, had a decently paid job that allowed me to rent a studio apartment to myself. Had a great group of friends and always had lots of plans and trips. The only downside that comes to mind was when I had a big health scare and felt quite alone and anxious for a few months. I had surgery and although my friends were fantastic, it would have been nice to have had a partner's support. Also everything used to cost a fortune because I had nobody to split bills/costs with!

Leaping into this thread! Hello.

Been single since 2017. Was discussing this with my friend the other day and he couldn't quite believe that I really was very ambivalent about another relationship. I would have to fall head over heels for someone, and that's not ever been my style, so...

I love the freedom. As another wise Mumsnetter said on another thread, you have love from children/friends/family, for sex, you've got toys/Tinder (pre-Covid obviously), hopefully you earn your own money, what do you need a man (particularly a man with baggage) for?

Oh, and I don't have cats, but I have a lot of guinea pigs

@Needhelp101 I would definitely choose a lot of Guinea Pigs over a man!

Very jealous of all the piggy cuddles you must get.

@jigglypuffcookie that sounds lovely! My kids are quite limited in foods they'll try so I often have a curry as a treat when they're at their dad's.

I haven't been too lonely so far - I've started learning a language, and have rediscovered my love of reading in the quiet times. I guess that there's times when I feel a bit sad that I don't have 'my person' there for me when times are tough (even if it is borne from obligation!).

There was a lot of deception, manipulation and mistrust towards the end of my marriage, as well as anger issues from ex. Like a lot of others I'm still reveling in the calm and quiet, me and the kids don't have to stick to his rigid rules and strips if things don't go his way.

Unfortunately he's still the same but it's just background noise to me now. I'm worried about his manipulations affecting the kids but they're smart and as ex makes more and more outlandish comments they are cottoning on without me having to say a word.

@CleanQueen123, the piggy cuddles do make up for the deafening squeaking when they hear the fridge door open

I can also vouch for younger men being a lot nicer. There are, ahem, quite a few out there seeking an older woman. Sadly Covid has put paid to that for the moment, but it was fun while it lasted!

@Needhelp101 oh I miss the sound of piggies shouting

Another 'single by choice' high. Dating failures - that pit of the stomach disappointment when you realise you wasted weeks or months on a complete tosser.

I'm not the type of person to move on quickly/rebound and I think I've learned enough lessons from dating, for those reasons I'm rather glad to stay single without that sort of thing hanging over my head.

Yes! My last relationship ended after 6 months when he suddenly shared his horrendous opinions about gay men and how they shouldn't be allowed to adopt/use a surrogate because they might abuse the child

Half a year I wasted with that muppet before he dropped that bombshell!

HIGHS: not trying to force myself to fancy men my age (I'm in my 50s) esp in OLD! In real life there are a few decent men in my age group, and those that are are usually happily partnered-up. Maybe different in a long-standing relationship somehow. Meanwhile, the men on OLD are dire and/or bizarre, usually both, and I've fucking lost my patience there!.

MORE HIGHS: Answerable to no-one. Thinking lots, reading lots, which I love. Do what I want within the practical limitations of my life. There is never a dull moment, really.

Lows: miss sex and physical affection sometimes, though my drive is lower than it used to be, thank God for small mercies. I do sometimes miss cultured male company e.g. on holiday - happy to go on my own, but would be nice to dress up for dinner? Occasionally missing intelligent, fun, conversation with a man and enjoy that real appreciation and connection - but what are the odds? Even when I was younger that was very hard to come by - I have few "exes"

Oh yeah, and memo to my younger self. That (understandable) hope for romantic relationship and love - truly, don't bother to seek it out. If its meant to be, it will find you. If not, nothing lost. Either way, it frees women to live as fully and freely as possible and not waste their time chasing after muppets

Loving this thread, I'll be 8 years single this summer after 19 years and 2 dc. I ds at Uni the other will be off soon, my ex left us in the most thoughtless and unkind way, barely gave a backward glance and his relationships with dc are not great as a result.

I also fell into the trap of feeling like I should be looking, mainly as I didn't want anyone to pity me, hated OLD however it just filled me with anxiety and insecurity.

These days I love that I have more time to invest in my friendships, I don't have to shave, wear "sexy" uncomfortable underwear, have sex I don't want to prevent sulking or an argument. I listen to more music like I did when I was younger, became more active in feminism and politics, I swim outdoors with other women my age and laugh a lot.

Its hard to think of going back to being in a long term relationship now like lots of women I didn't realise how much I'd compromised and suppressed myself over the years.

@ChampagneCharlene

Oh yeah, and memo to my younger self. That (understandable) hope for romantic relationship and love - truly, don't bother to seek it out. If its meant to be, it will find you. If not, nothing lost. Either way, it frees women to live as fully and freely as possible and not waste their time chasing after muppets

Love this. Once you embrace this mindset, it's very freeing.

Good afternoon ladies and welcome newbies!

All of your stories ring little memory bells almost like 'oh yeah there was that too' so it really is great and sad in a way to know our experiences are not unique.

@Botoxtime no need to apologise ... OLD use does not preclude you from this thread as it's about a mindset.

If you know you have options and no fear of being single it changes everything about you and more importantly means you are more likely to stick within your boundaries and acquire someone worth investing in.

As @CleanQueen123 said you can waste a lot of time on a relationship and gain little.

Imagine spending 6 months on your own pleasures, learning a language, taking a course; hell even doing the garden- you'd have more to show sometimes!

Hello! Can I join too?
My husband left at the very start of 2020. I have two little children.
I started to dip my toe into OLD and saw someone for a little while but ended it with him as I think he was showing signs of being a bit of a narcissist

I have since started half heartedly chatting to a couple of guys, but ended it with both. I just realised I don't have the headspace for it, and have actually felt more in control and happy being single than when I am trying to impress a man.

Not ruling out dating ever again obviously, but I recognise that I need to embrace being single.

Those of you that are super content being single can I ask about your friendship groups? I have a couple of good friends, bit everyone k know is coupled up and I have yet to find a hobby that really inspired me and add lockdown into the mix, I am worried that without a really wide circle of friends I may start to feel lonely and get tempted to date again. If I do date it shouldn't be for that reason...

Oh and I too am embracing the DIY. Just moved into a new house, lots of pictures hung and shelves put up all by myself. Major decorating projects to start in the spring

@BunnyandBee, I'm very lucky, I have a lot of REALLY good friends. Haven't seen any of them (apart from my support bubble, God bless him) since pre Covid, but we are in regular contact. Don't know what I would do without them, to be honest.

You've actually made me think and every one, apart from my single support bubble friend, is long term married. And, quite frankly, given some of our conversations, it makes me even happier to be single 😁

I really would plough any 'dating energy' into building friendships, I'm sure the payoff will be greater!

@BunnyandBee

Oh and I too am embracing the DIY. Just moved into a new house, lots of pictures hung and shelves put up all by myself. Major decorating projects to start in the spring

I've gone mad for houseplants 😁 My children told me to stop buying them the other day but as I told them, it's good for the atmosphere!