Single but not looking? Share the highs & lows

[wherearthough]

This thread is for those who have decided, for whatever reason, to no longer pursue romantic relationships with men.

It's not the female equivalent of MGTOW ( many of us will be raising sons and have great relationships with male family members and friends) so the purpose is not to moan about male shortcomings, but rather to celebrate the rewards of no longer pursuing and maintaining relationships.

My story? I finished with my ex last year and it was only in the aftermath that I was able to see how much of myself I had suppressed.

Subsequently I have thrived and whilst I'm not ruling out dating again, it's not a priority (my standards are so high now he probably doesn't exist anyhow so if this resonates with you, jump right in and share the highs and lows of being single... but not seeking.

@Mermaidwaves

This thread is really inspiring I've left an abusive long marriage and spent 2020 online dating and letting men treat me like crap. After getting my heart torn to pieces I've decided to go it alone but it feels scary. I want to feel happy about being single by choice rather than because I can't find a decent bloke, at the moment I'm struggling a bit with it. It would feel amazing though to be totally free of the anxiety that men bring and all the stress involved of dating.

This is the place! Time helps a lot, I know it is trite but it really does. I had no idea what I'd do when my husband walked out. But now... it'd take me a lot to be persuaded even to date anyone. I am so happy as I am. OLD seems like a joke, I'd never do that now. You can and will be so much happier if you focus on yourself now.

Love this thread - I've found my people!

I'm almost seven years single, no children and no plans for any, but no trauma around men either - had one serious relationship and one two year fling type thing - still speak to them both, but had a gradual realisation after the last one fucked off (on Valentine's Day, lol) that I actually am happier, calmer, achieve more and have a nicer life when there isn't a man in it.

I never really dated and sex is not the be all and end all, though I enjoy it if I'm having it - and although I'm only 34 and people assume I'll eventually find someone, it's not in my plan

Lovely to meet you all and hugs for your stories - bookmarking to come back to when it's not silly o clock!

@MagentaDoesNotExist

Thanks I have to keep telling myself its still early days and that its OK to be alone, I will survive. I think I was really naive when I left my marriage, I didn't realise there were so many dysfunctional men out there! Its good to know so many women here are happy and not relying on being part of a couple to achieve that.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@MagentaDoesNotExist

Thanks I have to keep telling myself its still early days and that its OK to be alone, I will survive. I think I was really naive when I left my marriage, I didn't realise there were so many dysfunctional men out there! Its good to know so many women here are happy and not relying on being part of a couple to achieve that.[/quote]
Studies show over and over that the happiest group in society are single women! You can do this and you have all of us now too. OP I think this may end up being a long running thread.

@hilariousnamehere

Love this thread - I've found my people!

I'm almost seven years single, no children and no plans for any, but no trauma around men either - had one serious relationship and one two year fling type thing - still speak to them both, but had a gradual realisation after the last one fucked off (on Valentine's Day, lol) that I actually am happier, calmer, achieve more and have a nicer life when there isn't a man in it.

I never really dated and sex is not the be all and end all, though I enjoy it if I'm having it - and although I'm only 34 and people assume I'll eventually find someone, it's not in my plan

Lovely to meet you all and hugs for your stories - bookmarking to come back to when it's not silly o clock!

This is all you need! 😉🤫

www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=40834

Good morning all and welcome new sole sisters!
@Mermaidwaves thanks for sharing and I agree with @MagentaIsDoesNotExist, time is your best friend.

Also I deliberately included the scope to discuss lows as well as highs of singledom as no situation is going to perfect all the time.
What I hope we can all see over time is that on balance (negatives vs positives) the latter outweigh the former.

@hilariousnamehere really good to hear you've consciously decided on what's best for you and are pursuing your own path . ..it may sound a bit Oprah but your most important relationship is with yourself so credit to you.

Now I'm off to have breakfast and check out that interesting link from @MagentaDoesNotExist

I think that practically speaking it's pretty easy to be a single woman these days whereas 50 years ago it wasn't and people got married and stayed together because they didn't really have a choice.
These days if you feel like company it's available in the form of friends, family, gym, work etc etc. If you feel like sex it's available in the form of toys or tinder. For DIY there's YouTube or you can easily find someone to pay to do it. All needs can be met without a partner because we have choices. The only ongoing problem I've had as a single women is other people's attitude towards this life choice. Not in an unkind way, I just think few people can comprehend that you can be truly content and single and must secretly be wishing we were in a relationship. I've even seen pity in people's eyes which does amuse me. But I sometime wonder whether in the future more will realise that actually you can be really very happy. The survey that says that single women are the happiest group in society really doesn't surprise me at all!

@MagentaIsDoesNotExist
I thought i had written your first post! ...although I'm not friends with my ex

I'm happy enough on my own and if i did meet someone it would not be with a view to living/marrying them. Not risking my childrens home again.
I also love being able to be more spontaneous with the children and trying lots of things with them that i think they would enjoy/challenge them and not having to wonder if i would have an extra sulky child alongside the actual children.
Downside is i dont have a lot of time for DIY and I would love to get better at it (without ruining my home in the process!) but this is something my ex was very good at and requires some degree of confidence that anything you mess up you can get fixed!

@TheNortherner confidence re DIY is key ( along with YouTube).

I was a real technophobe when living with my ex husband and he had sole responsibility for setting up pcs/ wifi etc. I now do it all and realise how sometimes he would make out things were really complex almost to scare me into relying on him.

Last year I arranged and project managed major renovation work, sanded and varnished floors, repaired a fence and repointed brickwork ; all things I would never have believed I could do, so start small and see how you go.

I also have a local handyman I can call on for things like moving heavy furniture and use the nextdoor app to make sure I have a reliable plumber and electrician on hand.

Can I join in.

Split with husband in May and we are still living together whilst trying to sell the house. It's been horrific.

I never want to go through anything like this again. It's been so hard for the children and for me and dare I say ex too.

Since we are getting divorced I have heard from a few ex's who've heard I'm getting divorced and well I just cannot be bothered 2 asked me outright for sex despite not seeing or speaking for 15 years and other one regularly texts me to say they are in love with me, erm ok. It's just so silly and tiring. I can't wait for my own home and to never share my space with a man for as long as I live. Apart from my son of course who with my 3 daughter are the lights of my life

I have managed loads of decorating on my own to get the house ready for sale, made flat pack furniture, arrange my own mortgage, got the house on the market, dealt with solicitors, done every day home schooling the 4 kids, work night and doing a degree. My ex hasn't helped once. I'm just about holding its all together I do not want a man to disrupt any of the above.

I do miss sex sometimes but that soon passes, most of the time I'm happy.

Wow @Raver84 what a trooper!

Sending you a huge hug for what you're going through at the moment and do use this thread to vent and share if you find it helps.

Your ex's stories made me laugh..it's crazy how long a man will wait in the wings before making a move..the longest wait for me was 25 years and someone I saw as a brother so it makes me question all my male friends now and your story is sadly not that uncommon.

Continue to focus on your kids but most importantly yourself..I used to do at least 1 thing each day that put a smile on my face.. it might work for you too.

Stay strong.

What may seem small things contribute.

Bathroom cleanliness.
TV or no TV of your choice, same with music or other aspects of the arts.
No accountability for where you are or if you are later home than intended,

I would also add...

Having a whole big bed to yourself and finding you still have duvet on you in the morning

Not having to shave as often ( unless you choose to)

Dressing as you please

Talking to ex's with no suspicious allegations

No one for your kids to escalate things to..what you say goes 🤭

What a great idea 💡 for a thread OP. I’ll be back later:-).

I've been single since July 2017 and every month brings another returning pleasure. Silly little things like....

• having no-one put me down, my confidence has recovered.
• creative freedom. I can decorate or garden or cook how I want to
• food freedom. If I only want cheese, olives and a glass of wine then I can, without anyone moaning. Or put haddock in fish pie rather than monkfish.
• brand freedom. No one sneering because I shop at Tesco or because I don't drive an Audi
• music. I can play happy music all day long if I wish. I can sing along. I can mum-dance in the kitchen if I feel like it.
• I can use a washing line without being described as low rent.

I did all of these things when I was with ex (I'm not that easily bullied) but he always implied it wasn't quite good enough. It was relentless. All small things but wow, they add up. . Life now is much less tiring. It has regained its sparkle.

This is a great thread!
I can only add that if you don’t like flatpack, an electric screwdriver makes all the difference for me. Speeds it up and I quite like the zoomy sound it makes.

I dress as I totally please now, I've always liked a boho hippy style which I now wear as my ex didn't really like it. I can also have my home as I want it without having to feel like I need to ask permission. I also intend to have girlie weekends away when covid is over which I couldn't do before. I can definately see the wonderful sides to the single life, I just wish the anxiety would go!

I've been widowed for just over ten years. Dear late husband wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me. There's no way I want a second husband as I've grown used to my independence and I'm not giving that up for an inferior being. Even in a happy relationship there's a fair amount of suppressing oneself, (give and take?) now I can do what I want when I want. I put my own bins out and muddle along with D-I-Y or get a man in. Life really isn't so bad on your own.

@Mintjuliait sounds like you're living the dream & i would love to see the mum dance
@Mermaidwaves I hope you're getting support for your anxiety which is no doubt even harder due to covid.

My list of benefits whilst being single could run and run but suffice to say it's rewarding realising your true potential as an individual!

I have found I've had to be quite stern with tradesmen though, as when some find out your single they really try and overcharge or underperform!

Im in this camp too. Single since early 2019. Literally every aspect of my life is better since being single. I just think its not meant for me, being in a relationship doesnt suit me and never really has.

@wherearthough

I too have become a bit of a diy queen *@MagentaDoesNotExist* and realised that a lot of the work my ex did ( putting cupboards up without wall plugs for example) had been shite but I just took for granted he knew what he was doing! The double life thing is also scary and for years I questioned how I could miss all the signs but as a friend said, such men choose their victims carefully

You sound like you're in a great place @IBEX7 and have to a place that works for you ..do you still get friends trying to get you a partner though or have they given up?

My children's father and my then partner of 10 years walked out on us 7.5 years ago... he completely disappeared off the surface of the Earth 6 years ago after only intermittent contact before then... never paid a single penny of child support either
That must have been heartbreaking for you @LePatissier and as I can attest that shock can take a long time to recover from.

I also look back and think but for my ex's actions I would not have travelled to over 60 countries, built my own businesses and generally just grabbed life by the balls.

It was a shock, but I soon realized that I had been doing everything by myself for years anyway.

Thabkfully, I have always been very practicslly minded so DIY and furniture assembly have always been my thing. I now actively teach myself new skills thanks to youtube before ever having to ask a man for "help".
They really are surplus to requirements... in all aspects of life

Ah I need to hear all the great things about being single! Newly single here and currently feeling lonely, scared and anxious. We weren't living together and I can do most things I need to, but it all makes me anxious and stressed. I hate spiders too, so dreading spider season later in the year! I'm actually phobic about them, so can't catch them, sometimes I can hoover them up, then empty the hoover outside. I just can't get closer to them than the length of the Hoover wand.

I'll have a go at flat packs, and I'd love an electric screwdriver, but can't afford it right now. Tbh I'll not have anything to assemble for a while so that's ok.

I'm not going to look for another partner. I like doing things my own way, like my bed to myself, going to bed when I want. Just a bit sad at the moment that no one will cuddle or kiss me again. Not bothered about sex .. my vibrator is more reliable! At least it gets it right each time!

Arrh I feel for you @MsKL and don't expect to feel anything in any order ...just work through at your own pace as your breakup is probably still quite raw.

Isn't it mad the number of women who probably stay with their partners for fear of spiders??
For me I still don't like dealing with them but I see them more as needing help rather than predators so by catching them I try and shift my focus. I also have a spider catcher up and downstairs so I'm never caught out!

The affection side is harder but I rarely think about it in the grand scheme of things as I know the option is there (barring covid) if I ever want to go down that route again.

What sort of spider catcher do you have and do they work? The handle doesn't look very long on the ones I've seen.

Yes, it's very raw still, I'm on the verge of tears a lot of the time, it's only been two days, but I know with time it'll get easier. Just hanging on in there for now. I guess it would be easier if I could meet a friend, but for now I'll have to cope.

6 years single & celibate - I get lots of offers but I am not remotely interested!

Highs - autonomy, financial independence, pleasing myself, more quality time with friends and kids, no insecurites, no emotional bullshit, better health, more focus on my job, improved wellbeing and more headspace.

Lows - no sex or physical intimacy (cannot be bothered with the drama and neediness of young men and the arrogance and shocking naked bodies of older ones)

Over and out 🐸