Single but not looking? Share the highs & lows

[wherearthough]

This thread is for those who have decided, for whatever reason, to no longer pursue romantic relationships with men.

It's not the female equivalent of MGTOW ( many of us will be raising sons and have great relationships with male family members and friends) so the purpose is not to moan about male shortcomings, but rather to celebrate the rewards of no longer pursuing and maintaining relationships.

My story? I finished with my ex last year and it was only in the aftermath that I was able to see how much of myself I had suppressed.

Subsequently I have thrived and whilst I'm not ruling out dating again, it's not a priority (my standards are so high now he probably doesn't exist anyhow so if this resonates with you, jump right in and share the highs and lows of being single... but not seeking.

I'm kind of the same. I'm quite happy by myself and if I happen to meet someone that's great but I'm not interested in the faff of 'dating'.

The low is that it's remarkable how many other people think I should be at least 'looking'. The whole "How's your love life?" portrayed in Bridget Jones is real, I can tell you - I get asked quite a lot if I'm seeing anyone/dating/looking. It gets irritating after a while! I've never quite been able to fathom why it's not enough for me to be happy how I am.

I think it's because most people genuinely don't think it's possible to be truly happy without a man by your side ..I mean who puts the bins out or does the diy? Are just some on the inane questions I've been asked.

I genuinely feel sorry that for some women who have no idea how wonderful it feels to be free.

Feeling the same exact way OP. After a detached marriage and a 6 month toxic abusive awful awful relationship afterwards with one of the worst men I ever met, I have decided to stay single and I feel so much happier. As you suggested I also realised how much of myself I had suppressed and it’s liberating not having someone else control or have a say in my life. I’m still dealing with the aftermath but I am very happy in my decision and wish I had done it sooner. I’ve also had people so the tilty head “you’ll find someone” and I always reply with “but I don’t want to thanks” with a big smile on my face :-)

I do however find myself looking at couples in dead end relationships and internally shaking my head. I must stop that

I am 4 months on from a truly, truly horrific abusive relationship. I still wake up stunned I’m still here tbh.

I am so enjoying reconnecting with my friends and family that I wasn’t allowed to be in touch with, and I will not ever put them second again. So unless a man who doesn’t a single red flag, and is happy playing second fiddle to my Dd and everyone else in my life turns up, I shall not be dating at all.

I am loving it. I have a great vibrator so literally no need for a man

Good for you @Ostryga although I'm sorry you had to go through something horrendous to reach this point.
For me it's just fatigue.
I'm fed up of the lies, deceit and the fragile ego management and whilst there are parts I miss I can, at a drop of a hat have intimacy if I want. Funny I haven't missed that as much as I thought I would

Thanks for this thread OP! I think many of my friends believe I must be lonely but I am not, at all. I'm very happy.

At Chritmas 3 years ago my husband left us, when we had two small babies at that time. Devastating. And when I discovered why subsequently, even worse.

But now, we have a financial settlement (though no divorce). And I've managed to maintain an amicable relationship with him despite many telling me I was crazy to in the circumstances. But they need to be close to their father. And they have lovely male role models in the shape of their beloved uncle and grandfather.

I have two happy children. I've moved to a new house that I love for a fresh start. I have friends, a career, and absolutely no desire to find a man. If a great one popped up from nowhere I'm not totally closed to the idea, but it would need to be kept separate to my children (I don't believe in step-parents, I think it's unfair on the children). And no way would I ever live with a man again! A FWB might be acceptable.

I'm quite happy, happier than I have been ever I think. I love my children and our home and I love time on my own. Reading, watching TV, cooking, having my space and bed to myself. Life is great.

Glad to find some likeminded people!

Oh @MagentaIsDoesNotExist your story resonates so much.

I divorced over 8 years ago but no subsequent partners have ever met my children ( who are now teenagers) even though many have wanted to ..even going so far as to buy them gifts which I didn't accept.

In hindsight I'm so glad I kept to this, as each and every one revealed themselves to be less than ideal and it would have been awful to have the additional burden of explaining to the kids why x,y or z was no longer coming round.

It is so hard when they're young but I look back and am amazed how I managed and you sound like you're doing the same.

So what have you learnt that you owe to being single?

I've got loads but one of my biggest achievements was curing my arachnophobia..I was terrified of spiders and catching them was previously left to my ex ...now I'm champion house spider catcher 😊

I've been single by choice for well over a decade and the only times I've had a fleeting thought it would be nice to have someone here are when i've been on holiday and at Christmas (or when looking for home rentals over the years but that's purely financial).
Then I remind myself how much grief there sometimes comes on holiday and at Christmas with a partner.. the feeling soon passes.

For me the high point can be summarised as total freedom and independence, it's such a great feeling. Also there comes a self-belief in knowing that you can cope with parenting and whatever else life throws at you, on your own.

The low point .. I suppose a lack of intimacy/sex can take some getting used to. Being the third wheel or the only single one (you do get used to this, again I always remind myself how much hard work an "other half" can be and wonder what kind of shit people are tolerating just to be part of a couple) oh, and flatpack. That's the biggest downside 🤣

@ItsJustARide yes the flatpack is a pain!

@felinephoenix

Oh *@MagentaIsDoesNotExist* your story resonates so much.

I divorced over 8 years ago but no subsequent partners have ever met my children ( who are now teenagers) even though many have wanted to ..even going so far as to buy them gifts which I didn't accept.

In hindsight I'm so glad I kept to this, as each and every one revealed themselves to be less than ideal and it would have been awful to have the additional burden of explaining to the kids why x,y or z was no longer coming round.

It is so hard when they're young but I look back and am amazed how I managed and you sound like you're doing the same.

So what have you learnt that you owe to being single?

I've got loads but one of my biggest achievements was curing my arachnophobia..I was terrified of spiders and catching them was previously left to my ex ...now I'm champion house spider catcher 😊

That's so great to hear that it has worked for you long term. I have no inclination to change my situation as a singleton, and right now with work and very young children I'm too exhausted even if I wanted to! But I can't see it changing. I am also mindful that I need other things in my life, friends and interests so that my children don't feel guilty when they get older, to go off and live their own lives, as they should.

I think for me, from being single I've gained a lot of self-confidence. I had an abusive family and (in hindsight) a very messed up marriage with someone living a double life. I now feel so happy that I can provide a nice home for my children and not rely on anybody else or be vulnerable to getting hurt.

I have also learned that I can fix minor issues with plumbing or electrics myself. I contrructed a shelter in my garden. I jump started my car when my son left the internal lights on and killed my battery! I am the least practical person ever but I've realised I can do most things, or can find someone to help if I need to.

And yes, the f**king spiders! In my new house there are far fewer thankfully, but I have had to learn to cope. I wouldn't say I am over it but when my son was in the bath the other day, and my daughter about to get in, an ENORMOUS one ran behind her. I calmly put her in the bath, grabbed a glass, trapped it and then we sang "Incy Wincy Spider" as I threw it out of the window and talked about how the poor little spider was lost and could now go back to find his family outside. Wincy is the right word for it!!

When I split from my first husband after 17 years of marriage I made mistake after mistake dating wise and I think it was all to do my my need to feel wanted and to show everyone that I was desirable and that I wasn’t a failure at relationships. Some of the men I dated were absolute tools yet I was happy accepting crumbs and lowered my standards completely. With hindsight I would not have gone down some of the roads I went down.

I then read an article which said you should stay single for at least three years after breaking up from a long term partner, especially when there were flaws in your relationship. If you don’t then you are likely to make the same mistakes again. I found this to be very true. I also found that because I had “failed” once at marriage then I was determined to not see another relationship “fail” and would accept things that I would perhaps not usually do.

Once I made the decision to stop going chasing “the one” “the soulmate” then things improved dramatically for me. I became single by choice 5 years ago and it is by far the best decision I have ever made.

I just don’t want to compromise anymore. I have my house how I want it, I holiday where I want to go, i am financially independent, I go out (friends) with whom I want when I want. I have taken up hobbies, I travel extensively. I don’t answer to anyone.

I actually don’t miss any of it. I certainly don’t miss sex which I have always found to be overrated anyway.

I would highly recommend it!

My children's father and my then partner of 10 years walked out on us 7.5 years ago... he completely disappeared off the surface of the Earth 6 years ago after only intermittent contact before then... never paid a single penny of child support either.

I now say walking out on us was the best thing he ever did.
I1t's true, even though at the time it felt like my heart was being torn apart, despite our relationship having been stagnant to non-existant for some time by then.

Anyway, moved countries, kids learnt a new language and are settled, got my qualifications recognized and currently studying full-time.

I did 'date' periodically in the last 5 years.
But having learnt so much about myself and abusive relationships recently, I currently have zero interest in being with another person.

I have been super content on my own and could never imagine living with a man again.

IF, and that's a BIG if, I should ever meet someone who ADDS infinite amounts of happiness and value to my life, next to my kids, I would possibly consider a commited, exclusive, part-time relationship with someone who doesn't live with me.
But if that doesn't happen, I will be just as happy if not happier on my own.

I am spending a lot of time on and with myself, working through a life of multiple traumas, coming to terms with what happened to me and learning to forgive myself.
I am completely self-sufficient and content with my own company.

For me I can’t say I miss a man for very much. I’ve always been fiercely independent, it’s a complete miracle that I got married in the first place! I can handle most small DIY jobs and for the tricky jobs I can’t manage alone, paying a man by the hour is far more convenient than actually living with one. The only thing I do miss is intimacy and like a PP said when you’re on holiday, it’d be nice to have adult company.

I too have become a bit of a diy queen @MagentaDoesNotExist and realised that a lot of the work my ex did ( putting cupboards up without wall plugs for example) had been shite but I just took for granted he knew what he was doing!
The double life thing is also scary and for years I questioned how I could miss all the signs but as a friend said, such men choose their victims carefully

You sound like you're in a great place @IBEX7 and have to a place that works for you ..do you still get friends trying to get you a partner though or have they given up?

My children's father and my then partner of 10 years walked out on us 7.5 years ago... he completely disappeared off the surface of the Earth 6 years ago after only intermittent contact before then... never paid a single penny of child support either
That must have been heartbreaking for you @LePatissier and as I can attest that shock can take a long time to recover from.

I also look back and think but for my ex's actions I would not have travelled to over 60 countries, built my own businesses and generally just grabbed life by the balls.

@wherearthough I would be very remiss to describe myself as a DIY queen! Far from that. But having learned some basics is good. I was the person at school whose woodwork was used as an example to the class of how not to do it... so any progress is good!

I'm so sorry to hear about all of the horrible circumstances that led other posters to where they are now but so heartened and inspired to hear of the lives you have built and that you are happy. It's reassuring that me that I'm not mad in my wish to raise my children in peace and just get on with my own life.

Another one single and loving it. Broke up with xh 2? Years ago, and no plans to date. I have the house and life as I want it and enjoy my own company.

The only thing I miss is another adult around so I can leave the house for a walk or to nip to the shops without 2 dc in tow, but even if I was to meet someone they would not be introduced to dc so that wouldn't change anyway.

@Firststariseetonight

Another one single and loving it. Broke up with xh 2? Years ago, and no plans to date. I have the house and life as I want it and enjoy my own company.

The only thing I miss is another adult around so I can leave the house for a walk or to nip to the shops without 2 dc in tow, but even if I was to meet someone they would not be introduced to dc so that wouldn't change anyway.

That will improve in time though. When mine are using me as a human climbing frame, I try to remind myself that in 10 years I will be devastated that they don't want to be seen with me in public, let alone hold my hand or cuddle under a blanket!

I’m joining for inspiration as I separated from my H 6 months ago. I’m not the same as most people on this thread but I do admire you all & I would like to feel better about being single. I unfortunately don’t have children so there’s a lot to embrace by not seeking a man but at 40, it’s highly unlikely I’d meet the right person quick enough to have a child.

@wherearthough

Yes. Unfortunately!

There still seems to be an overwhelming sense of must be coupled up.

It’s a change of mindset that is required.

If you want a child @Readingandrighting, go it alone if you can.

@IBEX7
Going it alone isn’t an option for me right now for various reasons.

Relating to a lot of the posts on here - half arsed marriage, followed by an abusive relationship (EA) and then “accepting the crumbs” because I didn’t value myself any higher.

I’ve given up looking, I don’t like how I am when I’m in a relationship, I get needy and jealous and lose my own identity.

So I do things on my own and if I need a hand with something I’ve learned to ask neighbours or friend.s

It’s 10 years since I lived with a man, 4 years since my last decent partner, and thanks to the covid lockdown I don’t see that changing any time soon!

Love the username @Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails and glad you've found the thread...when the whole of society along with friends and family are encouraging you to get back out there for relationships that really don't serve you, it's good to know you're not alone in pushing back against it.

Goodnight all

This thread is really inspiring I've left an abusive long marriage and spent 2020 online dating and letting men treat me like crap. After getting my heart torn to pieces I've decided to go it alone but it feels scary. I want to feel happy about being single by choice rather than because I can't find a decent bloke, at the moment I'm struggling a bit with it. It would feel amazing though to be totally free of the anxiety that men bring and all the stress involved of dating.

[quote Readingandrighting]@IBEX7
Going it alone isn’t an option for me right now for various reasons.[/quote]
I'm so sorry to hear that, if that is what you wanted.