Single but not looking? Share the highs & lows

[wherearthough]

This thread is for those who have decided, for whatever reason, to no longer pursue romantic relationships with men.

It's not the female equivalent of MGTOW ( many of us will be raising sons and have great relationships with male family members and friends) so the purpose is not to moan about male shortcomings, but rather to celebrate the rewards of no longer pursuing and maintaining relationships.

My story? I finished with my ex last year and it was only in the aftermath that I was able to see how much of myself I had suppressed.

Subsequently I have thrived and whilst I'm not ruling out dating again, it's not a priority (my standards are so high now he probably doesn't exist anyhow so if this resonates with you, jump right in and share the highs and lows of being single... but not seeking.

What a great thread! I can out of a 17 year marriage and dashed straight into another relationship which ended up abusive, he was a narcissist & sociopath. It broke me but after therapy and a lot of introspection I realised that I didn’t need a man to be happy (whereas before I was desperate for one). Realised I didn’t need a man to complete me or give me financial security (unfortunately I had an old fashioned upbringing where I was brainwashed into thinking men were providers etc).
A year out of the abusive relationship I’m happier than I’ve ever been! I have the odd date but don’t want to live with anyone again, love my clean comfy big bed, love spending my money on what I want (ex abusive idiot harangued me for my spending choices), my relationship with my kids is brilliant without a man taking up my headspace. Sometimes I miss sex but it’s just an orgasm & I have a rabbit :D
I’m growing my hair long again after cutting it short for abusive ex, can watch whatever crap I want on TV.
I no longer feel a failure for being single because I’m great and love myself more than needing the ‘validation’ of a relationship. Yay!

Split from ExH 9 years ago now after being married for over 20 years. Really don't miss being in a relationship and I am never going there again.

Once I decided I was never going to set myself up for judgment by a man again and was going to live my life on my terms, the feeling of freedom was immense.

I love being in control of my life, having my home with YA DC how I want it, having pets and spending my leisure time how I want. No stupid buying of bigger and better things all the time. I made a conscious decision that I would be content and I am.

I do think society drums it into us that being coupled up is the ultimate goal. I have a DD and DS, they are 30 & 31. DD did have a 5 yr relationship in her 20s but she ended it as he was emotionally abusive (which I didn’t know when they were together). From a very early age she would say she didn’t think she wanted DC of her own. I do think even now she’s leaning more towards not wanting them. Therefore she doesn’t see any rush in “settling down” and is happy to be single. DS has ASD and while he functions well enough in society, he shows zero interest in dating. I’d never discuss it with him but I suspect he may even be asexual. To both of them I have just said “live in a way that makes you happy”.

I do find though that friends and relatives will ask if my DC are partnered up, about grandchildren etc. It is still seen as a “life goal” that they have somehow failed if they don’t pursue it. We really need to shift that mindset. Both my DC are really happy right now and I wish I could have just enjoyed life at that age instead of worrying about “finding someone”. It was such a waste.

Nice to have you here @jigglypuffcookie and hope you're doing ok.
This thread is not designed for those swearing allegiance to singlehood for life but it's about challenging the misconception that happiness and fulfilment only arrive when you're in a couple.

Singledom should not be seen as a last resort or booby prize, but a state that offers real benefits and let's face it everything has a start, middle and end so we all have to face time alone at some point.

I hope you can take some comfort from the stories shared 😊

You both sound like you're in a great place @Notanotherfreak and @JoannaDory and we've reached similar conclusions ...I liken it to a big weight, I didn't even know I was carrying, being lifted off my shoulders.

Have a great Saturday ladies

I'd love to join!

Single nearly a year, with four DS's. I'll admit I have zero trust in men after being put through the wringer by ex, but I'm not actually wanting to have my faith restored.

I'm loving not being scrutinised all the time, having someone undermine me to the kids and put me down. I've got two cats - so far - and enjoy being at home rather than not wanting to be here.

Wow, some great posts. We are conditioned to think we should be in a relationship aren't we? That we need a man to look after us, certainly my generation.

I'm going to try hard to get past that. Like PP I love having my bed to myself, spreading out with my cat and no one to complain.

Now I need to find some fun books to read that aren't romcom. I like the lightheartedness of them, but am tired of this girl needs boy message.

So ... any suggestions for lighthearted books that include single women who are happy?

Will have a think about books as I read a lot of crime fiction.

Just came across this re official benefits of being single which confirms much of what's been said on the thread;
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/sex-and-relationships/being-single-679833/amp

Happy Saturday ladies! I've got a bit of work on my tax return to do but am currently sitting on the sofa with both my cats, in that curious calm that always comes with snowfall.

Have just caught up on the thread and feeling very peaceful and lucky - and @wherearthough I love what you said about being single not being a booby prize, it should just be another valid option.

I'm lucky that my Mum (and Dad when he was here) just want me to be happy but their friends do ask a lot about my relationship status and when I'm going to settle down and change my mind and have kids

One of my goals this year is to work more on my personal photography projects, one of which is called Singlehood - I'm feeling inspired today, thank you!

Hey @hilariousnameheres, I can relate as I just submitted my tax return yesterday (to be filed under boring but necessary )

Is it me or are there are a lot of cat owners on this thread?
I'd love a kitten but where I am in London we have loads of urban foxes and I'm forever seeing missing cat posters on trees.

Do you not worry about such things and the extra responsibility when travelling?

We're the crazy cat ladies

I have two cats, would love a dog, but couldn't cope with the responsibility at the moment.

Here are my two.

Meant to add, I live in a very quiet street, and only one cat goes outside. The other will sniff in the garden, but that's all. I don't go on holiday, so not a problem.

@wherearthough

Hey *@hilariousnameheres*, I can relate as I just submitted my tax return yesterday (to be filed under boring but necessary )

Is it me or are there are a lot of cat owners on this thread?
I'd love a kitten but where I am in London we have loads of urban foxes and I'm forever seeing missing cat posters on trees.

Do you not worry about such things and the extra responsibility when travelling?

Tax return info now sent to accountant!! Yay! Well done for doing yours - every single year I say I'll do it earlier

Ha, I'm an accidental cat owner - meant to get retired greyhounds, came home with a pair of kittens who very much chose me. They absolutely rule the roost!

Almost all my anxiety centres round them and one is very accident prone, but they don't tolerate being kept in all the time, so we compromise - they go out in daylight and come in before dusk :) as they get older they're much snoozier and I have found a wonderful cat hotel nearby so I can go away and know they're safe if I need to.

They bring me a lot of joy! But

Argh MN needs an edit button - but I hope they'll always come home and they very much enhance my life

@mskl yours are gorgeous 💙

Cats are the best. I'm so glad to have mine, it's so quiet when the boys aren't here (although I'm starting to enjoy some down time!) and it's nice to come home to them happy to see me after work. Even if it is just cause it's dinner time!

@MsKL your two are gorgeous! @hilariousnamehere I love the look on black cats face - a boy? Your tortie cat looks just like my girl.

I like being single for the most part. I'm nearing 60 so I don't get the when are you going to find someone comments.

My problem is that I have no real life friends and not sure how to make them at my age.

I moved countries to be with this last husband. My home country is in such turmoil it scares me to move back. Part of my problem is I don't really know where to be...to make my home so to speak.

Im thinking about moving to where my sister lives.

So yes, I feel lonely sometimes but it's more of someone to chat about life and go places with.

@RantyAnty I'm in a similar position. I didn't move country, but I've moved lots and have few friends and no family apart from my mum. It's very difficult to make friends isn't it? I'm lonely too.

I’m in London and urban foxes can be a problem. I had a cat a few years ago who came home with his paw hanging off! The vet said it was a fox. He managed to reattach it but then the darn cat decided to go and live somewhere else! I’d see him occasionally looking well fed!

This time I went for indoor cats. I personally think female cats are happier to stay indoors than males. I know some people think it’s “cruel” but mine have a huge cat tree, numerous other toys, plenty of attention and also each other. So they are very happy. Also the average life expectancy for an outdoor cat is only 6years! I guess due to the amount that are run over. So keeping them in does protect them. Mine show no interest in going out anyway.

As for going on holiday. I get a cat sitter. I got one who came twice a day and spent some time playing with them each time. She sent me photos and updates. She was reasonably priced as well but I just factor the cost into my overall holiday cost. I think it helps having 2 as they have each other (they are siblings that I got as kittens, so get on well).

I’m never alone now! One of them even loves coming into the bathroom when I have a bath. She sits on the side and I chat to her she seems to enjoy that time! As soon as I start running a bath she’s there!

pertinent -

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/17/why-are-increasing-numbers-of-women-choosing-to-be-single

I've been single for just over 3 years now - I'm counting this from the night I had my husband removed from the family home by the police, divorce was in progress at this point.

We were married for 20 years and the last 7 were awful. Losing his parents made him dive into the bottle and he never came out. I was the boiled frog - he gradually got worse and worse, became emotionally abusive towards our DDs. 8 months after he moved out, he died so I ended up a widow - just.

I've gone from thinking of myself as 'not ready for another relationship yet' to 'probably not going to have another relationship ever' oh so slowly. I love being single. My DDs are growing up - the youngest is going to uni in September, the oldest will soon be 20 and I have also taken on a foster son who is in between the two and is in his first year at uni. I can do what I want, no longer have to listen to snidey remarks about my choice in reading matter or viewing, don't have to worry about what to cook. And yes, having a double to myself is a huge plus.

I already did all the DIY. I did everything - it was only after he left that I realised I actually didn't have any more things to do. I just had less laundry. Life's good.

Single for a few years and planning to stay that way. Love the freedom to plan only what I want to do, spend money on what only I deem desirable and have my space the way I want it. No one having a say in anything, especially things they had no right to an opinion on.

Only low side I have found is having to move heavy furniture on your own whilst decorating.

@TealSapphire (love your username) both girls but the black one thinks she's a panther 😂

I know it's practically a cliché but it's Sunday afternoon, I've had lunch with my Mum (bubbled) and I now have exactly no plans - so a bath and a book and making some brownies without having to check with anyone else feels like a perfect Sunday afternoon! What are you all up to today?

My ex was very abusive and spent much of my marriage telling me how fat I was and how I would never in a million years find another man. It's true, I am fat and since online dating have found it an issue, I've been hurt through this too.

I think that part of my desperation to find a new man was maybe to prove him wrong? To find validation from a man to show that I'm really not so bad I'm starting to believe that I don't need this at all, especially from some awful man online who is nothing special either. I need to learn to like and appreciate myself for me, fat body and all

I had lunch with my mum too (also bubbled), just come home, now sat in front of the TV with a glass of wine. Early bedtime for me as I didn't sleep well last night. At least I don't have to argue about that.