What are your Criteria for dating decent people ?

Wheresyourclapham · 02/12/2020 01:25

All of the above, although having a tick-box list may be your downfall.

Some of the those things happen with experience and over time.

E.g.
‘Someone who is self aware and able to see their flaws and weaknesses, be honest about them and try to change them.’

Relationships are not easy. More often than not, you have to be in it for the long haul.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/12/2020 01:49

Broadly aligned on political and constitutional issues.

This would never have been a consideration 20-30 years ago. I have had relationships with people who had diametrically opposite political views, but modern politics is far more polarizing than it was in my youth, and I don't think I could comfortably share room space with someone I knew was in favour of Brexit, curbs on immigration, austerity, etc etc. These things are moral and ethical issues for me nowadays in a way they weren't back in my teens, so while it's not the sort of thing I'd prod for the first time I was meeting someone, if it became apparent they were a raging Tory/Brexiteer/UKIP'er, it would be a case of moving swiftly on.

Happened recently to a friend who went on a date, only to find the person they met was a Trump fanatic. She didn't even make it through the first drink before she made her excuses and left. I can't conceive of ever walking out on a date in 1990 because I found out they approved of George Bush snr. It would have perhaps provoked a raised eyebrow, but more likely just a shrug.

Original poster

famousforwrongreason · 02/12/2020 02:21

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Broadly aligned on political and constitutional issues.

This would never have been a consideration 20-30 years ago. I have had relationships with people who had diametrically opposite political views, but modern politics is far more polarizing than it was in my youth, and I don't think I could comfortably share room space with someone I knew was in favour of Brexit, curbs on immigration, austerity, etc etc. These things are moral and ethical issues for me nowadays in a way they weren't back in my teens, so while it's not the sort of thing I'd prod for the first time I was meeting someone, if it became apparent they were a raging Tory/Brexiteer/UKIP'er, it would be a case of moving swiftly on.

Happened recently to a friend who went on a date, only to find the person they met was a Trump fanatic. She didn't even make it through the first drink before she made her excuses and left. I can't conceive of ever walking out on a date in 1990 because I found out they approved of George Bush snr. It would have perhaps provoked a raised eyebrow, but more likely just a shrug.

God yes to all of this. I recently made a new friend (not dating) and she's lovely but I was stunned when she started talking about how trump is trying to save the work, hence the hatchet jobs in #fakenews

OP posts:

berrygirlie · 02/12/2020 02:32

Aligned beliefs when it comes to ethical decisions, whether they personally affect you or not (e.g. abortion, immigration, taxes etc - all the mostly boring shit)

Makes you feel actively cared for and valued unconditionally, almost in a childlike way. By that I mean, not jumping out the door when a problem pops up and understands the value of the relationship overall is worth more than petty niggles along the way.

Loyal and dedicated. Knows what they want and can commit to it, even if it's tough. Sees you for who you are and accepts it, not as a project or projection, and is committed to trying to sustain a relationship.

Makes you laugh. Doesn't have to be teary-eyed belly laughing every five minutes, but has a good sense of humour. It helps amongst the highs and lows and makes the days a little sweeter.

Kindness, in situations where kindness is not required. Waves at children when children look at them, helps pick up items in a shop when someone drops them, donates a little spare money to charity every once in a while if it's going freely.

(Though all of this requires a level of reciprocation, and this is based on my perspective of "dating" in terms of seeking out a long-term, monogamous relationship.) If you wanted a TL:DR, I'd say; someone where you genuinely think they're a good person. They'd be kind to you and everyone else even if they had nothing to gain from it. You feel safe and protected with them.

Original poster

famousforwrongreason · 02/12/2020 03:00

*save the world, not work

OP posts:

Veronika13 · 02/12/2020 05:29

After dating for years, getting so much interest from men that my friends couldn’t even keep up (but I was still getting absolutely nowhere in personal life ) I realised it was because none of the men had all 4 (in my eyes) must-haves:

Successful
Great sex together
Able to be silly and playful with me (lots of laughter)
Treats me amazingly (romantic, flowers/coffee in bed/looks at me deeply in love etc.)

Thankfully I found him at 34, and can’t believe my luck.
Having said that I return all 4 points, too.

Student133 · 02/12/2020 05:41

A big one is dating someone who wants the best for you. By that, I dont mean someone who pays lip service to your clear failings and enables you to carry on with those same mistakes, but actually pushes you to be the beat version of yourself.
I also think.ots important that parties think very highly of each other, in terms of mutual respect. If one individual thinks the other is not actually the best they could do, they are just going g to wait around until someone better shows up. I've seen this happen a few times, and its never pretty for the person who exists in a relationship where they simply can never be happy.

I do think it's also important to date someone with a similar level of life intelligence too, I've dated people who just couldn't hold conversations, for me this was a deal breaker, but they would have rubbed along really well with someone else who didn't want to talk about niche academic stuff.

Miffyliffy · 02/12/2020 06:54

Similar political views.

No drug use,

No current addictions.

A job.

Independence..eg not lived with parents whole life (caring being the exception).

Wouldn't start a relationship with someone that doesn't play an active role in the life of their kids if they have any.

Somewhat healthy lifestyle.

Equitable.

Self aware and reflective about own self and experiences.

Similar goals eg buying house, traveling etc

Humble.

Doesn't act charitable for attention.

Doesn't want to sleep with other people.

Wants monogamy - of course easier said than done.

tinyvulture · 02/12/2020 06:55

Attractive (to me - I don’t think it’s objective)
Sexually compatible
Good sense of humour and finds me funny
Kind (in general, and to me).
Not dicking me around in terms of levels of contact - i’m an over-texter and if he finds that too “needy” he can do one.
Some sort of shared interests at least, tho I would expect differences too.
Similar level of intelligence to me, so that we are communicating on a level.
Free spirit (non-judgemental and comfortable with the unconventional)
God that’s a long list..... And I know many of them are personal to me and wouldn’t suit others at all.....

supercali77 · 02/12/2020 07:25

Not controlling. Wants the best for you. Encouraging.
Open and honest. Transparent in their dealings
Not too closely tied to an ex....whether that's hating them or not over them. Both have their problems
Solvent and responsible
Emotionally ready.
Compatible in bed
Compatible values. Compatible personality is great but values are what go the distance.

LilyLongJohn · 02/12/2020 08:49

Mine is quite simple. That it's easy, I don't feel under pressure, or confused, which generally means that he texts/rings when he says he will, he doesn't push me to do anything I don't want to do, he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, he doesn't have me second guessing what he's said or give me the and he takes a genuine interest in me.

dudsville · 02/12/2020 08:58

I tried to ascertain people's values so I'm interested in how they spend money, free time, how they talk about work and loved ones as well as strangers. It's hard because everyone wants to sell themselves, understandably and so you have to ask around topics and look for evidence in addition to the words they use.

Dacquoise · 02/12/2020 09:09

I think one of the most important factors for forming romantic relationships with anyone is their attachment style. It's very difficult to have a successful relationship with people that aren't securely attached and wanting a committed relationship. As someone who was married to and divorced from a dismissive/avoidant personality I would say a securely attached person can provide all of the things being discussed on this thread. I now have a securely attached partner and what a life changing eye opener that has been!

Febo24 · 02/12/2020 09:17

This one!

Kindness, in situations where kindness is not required. Waves at children when children look at them, helps pick up items in a shop when someone drops them, donates a little spare money to charity every once in a while if it's going freely.

My STBXH isn't this and it bothered me. My father is, and that's probably why I value it.

Febo24 · 02/12/2020 09:20

@Dacquoise where is a good place to find out about attachment styles?

Dacquoise · 02/12/2020 09:27

Try this site @Febo24 jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/

It has descriptions of all types of 'bad boyfriends' and the section on dismissive avoidant summed my ex-husband up to a tee! There are also loads of other sites on attachment.

I realised that I had never dated anyone who was securely attached, always avoidants to my anxious attachment which always ended up with me chasing them or accepting crumbs off their table. I do think when people post about never having successful relationships it is largely down to the dysfunctional dance of insecurely attached partners. My attachment has gradually improved due to being with a securely attached partner.

Original poster

famousforwrongreason · 02/12/2020 09:29

@Miffyliffy

Similar political views.

No drug use,

No current addictions.

A job.

Independence..eg not lived with parents whole life (caring being the exception).

Wouldn't start a relationship with someone that doesn't play an active role in the life of their kids if they have any.

Somewhat healthy lifestyle.

Equitable.

Self aware and reflective about own self and experiences.

Similar goals eg buying house, traveling etc

Humble.

Doesn't act charitable for attention.

Doesn't want to sleep with other people.

Wants monogamy - of course easier said than done.

Great list. Shouldn't have to add 'doesn't want to sleep with other people' but it seems it needs to be said now. The last guy I was seeing looked horrified when I told him I'm monogamous

OP posts:

Angelofdeath · 02/12/2020 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkedaddIe · 02/12/2020 10:21

I'm not single but my list would be

Able to laugh at themselves

Willing to talk and listen

Attractive to me AND I'm attractive to them

runningthrougharedlight · 02/12/2020 13:31

Lots on here that are on my list so I won’t repeat. I want to add moral courage and integrity. We all make mistakes but how someone deals with the consequences says a lot to me.