Would you get back with him? TW: Mention of Abuse

[CGDH42]

I'm new here but have been reading posts and I'm making my own as I need advice

Me and my ex are young and I'm about 10 weeks pregnant (having a scan on Friday) we were together since January last year. Our relationship was good although we did argue sometimes. Some background: before we started dating we were really good friends. His dad passed away when he was about 6 but he lived with his mum and stepdad but then his mum left and he just had 'stepdad' and his stepbrother who was about 15 at the time and they abused him. He was taken into care and then his grandparents got custody of him.

Anyway on Saturday he was acting weird and I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and he started ignoring me and then we had a stupid arguement and he told me to fuck off and I called him pathetic and broke up with him (I was angry). Yesterday he sent me a long message saying he was sorry and his mum was texting him on Facebook and messing with his head (trying to make excuses for his stepdad by saying he was stressed and didn't mean it etc) so he was already upset and angry and then we had an argument.

Now I'm not sure what to do or if to get back with him. Can I have some advice please

Is there another reason you want to break up with him? Otherwise you should be supporting him through this shit and trying to understand how he's feeling.

My friend told me to break up with him after he told me to fuck off as she said me and baby deserve better so I did as I was also angry

I have been supporting him though

He apologised - that's good.
He also made excuses for his behaviour - that's a serious red flag because if you forgive him now there will be a next time and there will be another excuse.
I would pull him up on the fact that swearing at someone you supposedly love is never okay. Never. No matter what happened before, after or during the episode. And that you cannot tolerate it.

What is he going to do to make sure it never happens again? Not his Mum. Him. Things like other people doing upsetting things - that's not relevant - there will always be external stressors - but what will HE do to make sure sure that HIS behaviour will never happen again? Anger management course perhaps? Counselling?

His background sounds extremely harsh and the wounds will never fully heal. He may need ongoing support for the rest of his life to deal with his past and the first step to this is HIM (not you) recognising the problem. Tread carefully.

He was probably stressed out of his head with his mum nipping his ear. He took it out on you. But your friend was very quick to tell you to split up with the father of your baby after one Fuck Off incident.(Fair enough if it’s a weekly occurrence though)

It would have been better if he could have spoken with you and explained what the problem was so you could have understood and supported him. But men are notorious for poor communication.

How old are you? Babies are hard work, and if there is one thing destined to try a relationship to it’s limits, it’s a baby.

Are you both ready for this? Do you have the finances to raise a child? Do you live together?

He doesn't want to have counselling as it'll be bringing it all up again.

We don't live together yet. He is doing an apprenticeship and I work 3 days a week and I have college 3 days a week.

Of course it'll be bringing it all up again. Easier to bury your head in the sand. Counselling is hard work, it requires determination, commitment, strength and even then it is emotionally draining. But if he wants to be a better person, if he wants to respect others, he must do it. With so much childhood abuse - if he wants to live a healthy life - he better start now. Healing is a long process.

But then again, why do counselling if you have an option to tell people to fuck off and let your steam out that way? See where this is going?..

He's normally really nice and respectful and our relationship was really good and we very rarely had arguments

How old are you both?

You don’t have to get counselling to improve your communication with each other. But it helps.

Why did he not tell you about the shit with his mum that day? Did he not trust you or did he not want to burden you? Did he think he could cope and didn’t want you to help him as it emasculated him? Are you OTT? Do you mother him? Is he ok with how you and he get along usually.

There are lots of things that counselling can get to the bottom of. But if he won’t go then you could ask him why he didn’t tell you and if he feels you are supportive or if he thinks your OTT etc.

If you are going to be a couple you need to not have secrets like that. You need to trust and talk.

To be honest he has had a hell of a start. But unless he wants his baby having a difficult start too because it’s parents can’t communicate, he needs to be honest and open with you and trust you.

He might not be ready for that.
You are both young, presumably under 20.

A baby is a big responsibility. They cost a lot. Including you sacrificing a year out of college to look after it.

I think back to myself at your age and honestly I wasn’t ready for it. I decided not to continue with the pregnancy. That might not be the right choice for you but you have to proceed with having a baby without relying on the dad as he could walk away at any time. A lot of times young couples grow and change so much they grow apart. You have to consider that could happen to you. Could you cope alone? Do you have a support network around you for babysitting etc, is your mum around?

Lots to consider.