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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How likely is a narcissist to abandon their child?

20 replies

Survivethestorm · 31/08/2020 23:07

Is a narcissist likely to abandon their child if they only have one and split with the other parent? And if they have a child with a new partner would this increase the likelihood of abandonment.

I would think that a narc would stick around as they would see their children as their possessions and extensions of themselves..

OP posts:

Finals1234 · 31/08/2020 23:08

Mine has stuck around for 5 years so far but with drastically reduced interest from hi m and from the kids over the years.

Sosounhappy · 31/08/2020 23:08

They see them as possessions

Sosounhappy · 31/08/2020 23:09

Mine used them to control me

Original poster

Survivethestorm · 31/08/2020 23:17

@Sosounhappy this is my fear. I mean this is already happening.

@Finals1234 how often does your ex see your kids?

I was half hoping he'd become bored. My ex has bruised our dds arm, guessing because she had a tantrum and he manhandled her. Social involved but I'm just wishing he'd walk away.

OP posts:

Delbelleber · 31/08/2020 23:35

What a horrible situation to be in and especially with your dd arm
My ex is a bad tempered narc. Very difficult to deal with but when we do get on it's great. I am always on edge though because he can change quickly out the blue.

Delbelleber · 31/08/2020 23:39

We probably see him at least 5 times a week. He wants to see our baby all the time and i feel like I can't say no incase he kicks off and I currently don't want him having unsupervised contact. We have managed to spend 2 days together without arguing and I utterly hate it when he starts arguing around the baby. I think he is trying his best to be a good dad though.

RoseMartha · 31/08/2020 23:42

@Survivethestorm I am finding he is also using them so he can keep his control over me and continue to emotionally and verbally abusing me.

Sending a 🤗.

slipperywhensparticus · 31/08/2020 23:55

my ex uses the kids to control me and my actions my youngest refuses to go now my eldest ditches him more often than not when he goes its all drama if he thinks I'm busy with calls early drop offs or being late he left me waiting 45 minutes once because he was "on his way" and "close by" he just wanted me to come back from my friends house where I was having a coffee when my daughter is home he rings while he knows we are having some time together just the two of us he has to call and bring them back early

spongedog · 01/09/2020 00:19

Mine has used every means possible to use the DC to control me, including numerous family court applications. Narcs do regards the kids as possessions without their own opinions. My ex hasn't moved on at all. I dont have a new partner, much of which I was concerned about how ex would react. Luckily for me is that my DC are beginning to understand the controlling behaviour, even if they dont express it in that way.

newnameforthis123 · 01/09/2020 00:30

Likely to weaponise them against you and also play Disney dad / do performance parenting to maintain his reputation as a 'great guy' while leaving you to do all the actual parenting that guides a child through life.

Original poster

Survivethestorm · 01/09/2020 00:42

Exp seems to have little interest in dd, seem she very much just keeps up this image he and the rest of his family has.

It is very difficult, he man handles her and been so abusive to us both and I'm trying my best to protect her but he took me to court at the beginning of the year. My hope is he'll lose interest in keeping up this appearance. But when it comes to dd, I mean this is a person who thinks the fact dd may have autism and is still non verbal has no bearing on legal proceedings.. and also wants to have dd every weekend, not weekdays just weekends and lives 50 miles away.

OP posts:

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 01/09/2020 01:10

Very likely, my nar ex has not seen his kids in 15 months and then it was only for ones Bday with another year in between that!

aa00 · 01/09/2020 01:57

Very likely. If my mother doesn't get her way she will stone cold not call, text or talk to me. Won't check on me or my baby. My mother and I didn't talk for almost 2 years. We got along for 2 months and weer back to not talking again.

Pesimistic · 01/09/2020 07:42

Minimal contact, but will increase contact with child when it suits them like showing off at christmas to the local village and his parents. Other than that its barely 24 hours every two weeks no contact in between even 'forgets'its his weekend with child

Aozora13 · 01/09/2020 07:50

My revolting BIL put up a good show of being the Big Family Man but since splitting with his wife has barely seen their DC. I think it’s because his new persona is Carefree Batchelor and having teenage kids doesn’t really fit with that.

Sorry you’re going through this, it must be such a worry, especially with your DD’s additional needs.

Original poster

Survivethestorm · 02/09/2020 04:10

The additional needs of dd have been a real strain, her dad couldn't cope with her cry as a very young baby it concerns me more. He was abusive to both of us and most of the time I just fear I cannot protect her, I do the best I can but with the involvement of court i do worry.

Exp however does like to show off dd to his parents, I think they're the reason he is still around. Makes it very difficult.

Does anyone find when their ex narc shows the Dcs affection, if they do at all, it to be very cold and forced, a bit like an act. Exp is cold in general but when he gave dd a kiss on her head in front of a ss while dd was in distress it just felt off, but maybe that's because while we were together he showed zero affection at all and just resorted to shouting at her and the rest.

OP posts:

creaturcomforts · 02/09/2020 05:13

Hi hope you are ok, my ex husband narc put on an act as a loving dad, as soon as he had left his dd said he was like a different person. Yes, narcs are very cold and I think it depends if they get something from their children. They are lazy and may drift away from the kids which is a good thing in the end, you cant predict or limit their bad behaviour.

jessstan2 · 02/09/2020 05:49

I think they would stick to their child like glue, they do not want to spoil their image of being a 'good parent'.

honeylulu · 02/09/2020 07:59

The narc ex husband of my friend has fairly minimal contact which he often cancels if he has a holiday or night out planned.

However he phones or emails friend a lot, lecturing and criticising her parenting. I.e. during full lockdown he kept saying they weren't doing enough school work and she needed to engage them with it. Friend was working FT and he was on furlough! But he couldn't have them at his house as "not enough desk space".

He does this most with the middle child who he calls "mini me" (yuck). Seems to cultivate that child as an extension of himself. Doesn't give as much of a toss about the other two and it's obvious.

Original poster

Survivethestorm · 02/09/2020 09:11

@creaturcomforts, thank you, some days I'm ok and feel like I can do it all and protect dd, others I just feel overwhelmed with fear that I'm not doing enough. Usually when ex or his solicitor is emailing me ridiculous accusations, latest is that I'm making up the potential asd diagnosis even though I've sent over the report from a specialist.

I think very much with exp if there is an audience he'll put on a show the rest of the time Im not even sure he remembers that he has a dd.

OP posts:

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