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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of his bad life choices (debt, drugs, laziness etc)

26 replies

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:21

Partner (we are not married) is in 15k debt. I've been a sahm since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago.

He smokes drugs everyday and is now begging me for money to eat even though there is food in the house which I buy from the p/t housekeeping job I have. I know he wants the money for drugs.

He is about to lose his job as he has missed meetings and hasn't handed in work on time.

He is lazy and doesnt do anything around the house.

This is not a begging thread I'm just ranting.

Cant believe I've put myself in this position. I'm not sure if its worth staying with him or leaving. I hate that his poor choices are now impacting me and DD.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2020 13:27

Leave, he isn't going to change and this shit show is going to get worse. Do you have somewhere to go? Childcare? Could you go full time?

LaurieFairyCake · 22/08/2020 13:28

Obviously get rid of him

Yankathebear · 22/08/2020 13:29

Do you love him?

He’s a rubbish husband and rubbish dad.

Moonflower12 · 22/08/2020 13:37

Leave him.
What is he bringing to the relationship?
It'll only get worse.

Pjsallday · 22/08/2020 13:37

What does he say when you say theres food in the house? Does he take you for a fool?

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:39

I dont have anywhere to go. My siblings live in house shares.

DD is due to start school in a few weeks and I am/was about to complete the rest of my degree .

I care about him and want him to get help for his addictions but it seems like he doesnt care. He can't see how his behaviour is fucking up our family life. I just think he's selfish. I really am finding it hard to love him, but I thought things would be different as we got older, but hes still on the drugs and has been since I met him when we were 17, 10 years ago.

OP posts:

AllTheCakes · 22/08/2020 13:39

Kick him out. You’ll be better off without him if he isn’t contributing anything anyway.

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:40

What does he say when you say theres food in the house? Does he take you for a fool?

Doesn't say anything. Just walks out of the house.

He obviously does think I'm a fool. His drugs are number 1. Not us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:41

As much as I think leaving is best, how could i even do that. I have no money.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2020 13:43

Do you have a bank account?

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:44

I do have a bank account but not enough money to support myself.

I didnt mention this in my OP but he has committed a crime and could be behind bars for up to a year. I'm so angry with him.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2020 13:50

Could your university services offer any advice on what funding may be available?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2020 13:52

The only good that has ever come out of your relationship with this man is your child.

You may love him but are you really confusing this with codependency?.

He won't get help for his addictions because he does not want help. Only he can decide to do that, you certainly cannot. He certainly does not want your help or support and besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real use.

You met this man when you were 17 and had no real life experience behind you; he likely targeted you as well. He has not fundamentally altered in all the years you have been together and you have enabled him throughout.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your childhood this chaotic as well?. This is chaos for your child and it will do her no favours at all for she to keep on seeing this dysfunctional car crash of a relationship in her life.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what on earth is she learning here from you two?. Would you want this sort of dysfunctional addictive relationship for your DD?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either. Do you yourself think you are this unlovable that you do not deserve a decent man?.

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 13:57

I spoke to my university about housing but they can't offer anything. They just signposted me to the local authority and Shelter.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2020 13:58

Channel that anger and decide on making a better life going forward for you and your child. This man needs to be gone from your lives permanently.

He does not give a shiny shit about you and his child and infact never has done. You cannot rescue and or save someone when in a relationship; being either does not work as you have all too clearly by now seen.

And if he does go to prison what then for you and your child?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2020 14:00

Contact both Shelter and your local authority as a matter of urgency. You have your daughter here to consider and her welfare should be and is of paramount importance here.

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 14:00

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

My parents separated when I was 13 as my dad had started another family.

Obviously this relationship doesnt live up to my expectations or I wouldn't be posting this. I know what a good relationship is but I also acknowledge that we are not perfect and I've tried to support him but he doesnt want to know.

I guess I'm just hoping he will change, yet I'm so sick of being dragged under.

OP posts:

Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/08/2020 14:00

Kick him out and sign up to Universal Credit. You can still claim and work.

Apolloanddaphne · 22/08/2020 14:03

You need to get out ASAP. He is dragging you down. You are studying and can make a better life for you and your DD.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2020 14:05

I think you need to contact shelter and your LA and anyone else. You need to take some action even if it seems small, this won't get better by doing nothing.

Inaseagull · 22/08/2020 14:06

You can't help an addict, they need to do it for themselves. What is your current housing situation? Rented? Who's name is on the tenancy? You and your DD don't need this shit going on around you. Break free and make a new happy life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2020 14:07

"I guess I'm just hoping he will change, yet I'm so sick of being dragged under".

Why have you been hoping he will change?. And how long have you been waiting for him to change?. Don't waste any more of your life on him because he really does not give a shiny shit about you or for that matter his child.

Stop with this hoping he will change; the only one who can change him is him and what he is doing works for him. He has you well under his control and you and in turn your DD are being dragged down by him.

He's already 15k in debt, has a long term drug habit and may now be going to prison for 12 months. Where is your red line here exactly?. You can only change how you react to him. Enabling him and otherwise supporting him as you have done has not worked and will not work either. Its only given you a false sense of control.

How can you be helped here into leaving this man, if you indeed want to?.

Alfiemoon1 · 22/08/2020 14:22

What is your housing situation now op
Don’t forget you will be entitled to child maintenance and you may get other benefits look on entitled to website

Apolloanddaphne · 22/08/2020 14:30

And also you need to not do yourself down. You are not a SAHM at all. You are a student who works part time and you also look after your DD and your home. You are obviously a grafter. You need to work out what you want in the long term then map out a way to achieve it.

Original poster

Aurelielee · 22/08/2020 14:31

He is on the tenancy and I think I can join in January but not sure if I'll hold out for that long.

If he wanted to he could kick me out couldnt he, so I'm trying not to piss him off whilst I wait. Even then, I'm not sure I want to live around here.

OP posts:

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