We are friends but he is online dating

Claire926 · 2020-08-18T08:11:41+00:00

I have been friends with a man for 9 months from my course. Recently he got in touch and we met up twice on our own for walks since the course had finished. He initiated the contact for both of these walks. The second time we met he said he felt like we had known each other for a long time, we spent about 12 hours together. He kept dropping hints as though he could see us in a relationship and said we had some deep conversations. I feel disheartened as since we met up he has looked daily on POF where he is a member. I'm not on the site but could see from my friend's app. My friend said I shouldn't have spent 12 hours with him as he has nothing else to look forward to which is why he is back online. Now, I know he is single and can do what he likes but I don't want to play second best to a man who I feel could be emotionally unavailable. He even mentioned his ex a few times who hurt him so I think he isn't ready. Should I just stay friends with him but carry on dating others? I know we could have a good relationship but I'm not waiting for someone who doesn't know what he wants and use me as a back up plan.

Rhine · 18/08/2020 09:17

Have you written about this before? Sound familiar..

Russellbrandshair · 18/08/2020 09:21

Why should he not be online? You’ve had 2 walks as friends. That’s it! That doesn’t mean he has now committed to a life solely with you does it. Why on earth would you expect him to suddenly stop dating anyone else when right now all you are is friends?

You are coming off here to be extremely needy and clingy. If you carry on in this vein you will ruin this. Just relax. See where things go and stop imposing controls on him before it’s appropriate to do so.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2020 09:22

Well if you're not giving off any interested vibes of course he's going to go online. He isn't going o sit by his phone and wait for you if he thinks you're not interested.

If you want to take it further, invite him out. Flirt with him and if the conversation goes to the two of you agree.

Bit it doesn't sound like you're really sure what you want, so o wouldn't push it.

My friend said I shouldn't have spent 12 hours with him as he has nothing else to look forward to
And why can't you spend 12 hours with a friend? Or does she mean by having such a long days, he has no need of seeing you again for ages?

PinkMonkeyBird · 18/08/2020 09:48

So how did you respond when he dropped the hints about you both having a relationship? Sounds like the hints weren't acted on, you didn't expand on that? If you didn't pick up and respond to the hint, he may have thought the feelings were not reciprocated and you just want to stay as friends. If you didn't respond in the positive, then he has every right to carry on with dating apps etc.

malbecchio · 18/08/2020 11:47

Not this again! I honestly mean this as gently as possible, but for your own peace of mind please stop your obsession with this man (or men, I’m not sure if there are two or three actual different “characters” or if details are tweaked each time as variations on a theme). He is at best a friendly acquaintance through a hobby, it is so far removed from the fantastical romance you have built up with him in your head.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3967484-My-heart-is-breaking-time-for-me-to-move-on

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3985399-We-met-up-what-happens-next

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3986782-Would-you-date-a-teacher

Has anything actually happened between you, physically? Has the word “date” even been uttered, or are you just meeting for a platonic walk every few weeks/months then over-analysing about it on here to the nth degree?! This is not a relationship, not even close, and by giving so much headspace to every nuance and gesture of your interactions with this man you are taking time and energy away from focusing on yourself and what would make you happy. You keep mentioning him “dropping hints” yet “being emotionally unavailable” and to be honest none of it makes sense, it seems as if you are twisting your perception of his actions to fit the narrative you have created in which you are star-crossed lovers. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this?

You seem stuck in an obsessive cycle over this man when in reality there is nothing there to obsess about! Look at just a handful of your (many) previous threads, this is not a healthy way for anyone to live, you must be emotionally exhausted!

Original poster

Claire926 · 18/08/2020 12:01

@malbecchio

The problem is those threads are about different men.

I don't want to fall into the trap of wasting time again with someone who wants to pass the time. I think it is healthier to nip it in the bud at an early stage.

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vanillandhoney · 18/08/2020 12:06

But you're not together and from what you've said, you've not given him any sign that you're interested in him romantically.

Why can't he browse online dating? He's single and you've not even been on a date yet!

ravenmum · 18/08/2020 12:07

Oh, I think I've come across this theme too; do you always use the same name?

seensome · 18/08/2020 12:08

What was your reaction to him dropping hints to being in a relationship?
I think it's fair enough for him to keep looking until your an official couple and for you to do the same.

Original poster

Claire926 · 18/08/2020 12:11

I'm glad some of you are telling me to keep looking around too. It's just in the past I have found that men want to keep their options open but as soon as they are aware you are doing it they get all controlling and don't like it even though we are not a couple.

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Original poster

Claire926 · 18/08/2020 12:13

@PinkMonkeyBird

So how did you respond when he dropped the hints about you both having a relationship? Sounds like the hints weren't acted on, you didn't expand on that? If you didn't pick up and respond to the hint, he may have thought the feelings were not reciprocated and you just want to stay as friends. If you didn't respond in the positive, then he has every right to carry on with dating apps etc.

I smiled but didn't say anything as I was a bit shocked he just came out with it. I wish I had said something now.

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malbecchio · 18/08/2020 12:14

@Claire926 so every single different thread is about a different man?!

Has anything physical happened with any of them? Or even a conversation where one of you asks the other out on a date, in unambiguous language??

I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you but this just all seems like a lot of navel-gazing and second-guessing when nothing has actually happened!

You say you don't want to waste time on an emotionally unavailable man, but posting thread after thread online about whether or not there might, eventually, possibly be a spark is the very epitome of time-wasting!

If he has the gumption enough for online dating, then it's not a question of shyness. He wants to date, he has an active dating profile, he just doesn't want to date you! Otherwise the easiest thing in the world would be for him to ask you out for a drink, or dinner, an actual "date" which wouldn't leave you wondering if he was interested.

You are wasting your own time obsessing over this.

Dohorseseatapples · 18/08/2020 12:17

Not sure how old you are but I had several male friends when I was in my 20s.
We stayed at each other’s houses, went out for the day/night, even went away.
We were single, not in a relationship with each other. Just friends.
Maybe you are in the friend zone with this man. Who knows...24 hours in someone’s company is no time at all.
Stop trying to go from 0 to 100.

CleverCatty · 18/08/2020 12:20

To be honest - it depends what you and him want from the relationship. You can be friends with a man but if they like you romantically they will hang on in there for a chance and drop hints.

If I were him in this situation and I'd dropped hints etc and you'd responded negatively then I'd soon lose interest and join a dating site.

if you're interested in him say so, if not then don't do anything.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/08/2020 12:26

Yes keep looking.

If he is single he is probably happy with the emotional support you provide. Do you want to provide that ?? If not, pull back.

You could always ask him to set you up with one of his friends. His response to that will make it clear whether he sees you as a friend or something more

DiscoInFurlough · 18/08/2020 12:30

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workhomesleeprepeat · 18/08/2020 12:31

What? So you've been on two walks and you haven't said anything about being more than friends, and now you're annoyed he's on dating apps and want to drop him for not being interested??

Chill out! Tell him you like him. Tell him you want to go on a date. After a few weeks/months of than then maybe you can be annoyed if he is still on dating apps!

Russellbrandshair · 18/08/2020 12:52

I smiled but didn't say anything as I was a bit shocked he just came out with it. I wish I had said something now

And you expect him to be able to read your mind then from this? If a guy did this to me I would presume he wasn’t interested.

I think you need some help. I mean that kindly. You are fantasising and obsessing over literally nothing and building something up in your head that has no basis in reality. He hinted about a relationship, you said NOTHING yet you now expect him to be celibate and not date anyone else whilst just knowing you like him even though he has zero evidence to the fact? Do you realise how insane that sounds? I don’t think you are ready for a relationship if you cannot even express your own needs and wishes. No relationship will be able to survive that long term.

Original poster

Claire926 · 18/08/2020 12:59

@Russellbrandshair

I smiled but didn't say anything as I was a bit shocked he just came out with it. I wish I had said something now

And you expect him to be able to read your mind then from this? If a guy did this to me I would presume he wasn’t interested.

I think you need some help. I mean that kindly. You are fantasising and obsessing over literally nothing and building something up in your head that has no basis in reality. He hinted about a relationship, you said NOTHING yet you now expect him to be celibate and not date anyone else whilst just knowing you like him even though he has zero evidence to the fact? Do you realise how insane that sounds? I don’t think you are ready for a relationship if you cannot even express your own needs and wishes. No relationship will be able to survive that long term.

I completely agree with what you are saying. He is not a mindreader. I just need to say the right words without scaring him off. Hope I haven't already done that.

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mildlymiffed · 18/08/2020 13:03

If you like him, I'd agree- let him know you want a relationship and sound him out about making a go of it.

I online date. I online date more than one guy at the same time- until I am in a position to know for any certainty that one of them is someone who I'd like to have a relationship with. If and when I get to that stage I'll have an open and honest chat about it, and request (and it is only a request!)

And I'd hope they'd do the same if they wanted me to stop seeing other people.

AlternativeGirl · 18/08/2020 15:09

If someone tells you that they're interested in a relationship with you and you confirm that you feel similarly, why would that scare them off? That's how relationships start.

If I indicated I was interested in a relationship with someone and they smiled but said nothing, I'd assume they didn't feel similarly and were trying to work out how to let me down gently. Were you trying to be coy?

Original poster

Claire926 · 18/08/2020 15:20

@AlternativeGirl

If someone tells you that they're interested in a relationship with you and you confirm that you feel similarly, why would that scare them off? That's how relationships start.

If I indicated I was interested in a relationship with someone and they smiled but said nothing, I'd assume they didn't feel similarly and were trying to work out how to let me down gently. Were you trying to be coy?

I am a bit of a shy person but he had drank a few glasses of wine so I don't know if it was the drink talking.

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