Distasteful thing said during sexting.

[User7458398748]

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

Don't do it at all. Then you wont have this problem.

Yes. I would feel humiliated and objectified.

I think there are quite a few of women who like to feel/be a bit submissive during sex (myself included) but there is a big difference between submission and degradation.

I find that statement degrading.

A man can be sexually dominant without being degrading.

He appears to be degrading and I'd find it a huge turn off, in fact I couldn't have sex with or a relationship with someone who was thinking like that about me.

It's not even like something he read and used having misjudged the situation; it sounds like something he's actually brought through himself.

It's not been a long time, I would advise you to get rid, I'm sorry.

What's as bad, is that even if you tell.him off and he accepts that and never repeats anything like it again; it'll be in your head all the time.

I mentioned the submissive thing because I thought that he might have thought I would like the comment. But there's nothing okay about it at all,is there? It is degrading. I can't get it out of my head, it wasn't something I brought in. It was entirely his thought.

My ex would say things like that a lot too, I really hated it

I think id have to get rid. You won't be able to forget it.

I wouldn't like it either
End it with him

I'm a sub too. I'm not making excuses for him, but maybe he was just trying to be Dom-ish in a way you would like, but that particular effort went too far for you?

When I had a dom, at one point he'd told me to address him in different dom/sub ways every time I messaged. He didn't set any rules saying there were some things that weren't allowed etc. As you can imagine, it takes a bit of work to think of new things to say (for me, anyway.)

One time, I addressed him as Hitler. He completely lost it! Thought it was an awful thing for me to do. But I wasn't to know he had this unwritten rule, probably even he didn't know before it happened.

BDSM can get quite formulaic, so your bloke maybe was just trying to think of something new to say? I admit that BDSM can be quite influenced by porn or other stuff online and be quite misogynistic though.

Perhaps say to him you didn't like this one, so he has a chance to be a bit more cautious, and then give him another go?

Are there other red flags?

Don't sext in the first place for one as it's pretty grim in itself. As to what he said as you like to be submissive perhaps he was trying to engage with your fantasies? Talk to him and if that's not the case, dump him and move on as the whole thing frankly sounds a bit degrading.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. You like to be submissive and he perhaps was pushing the boundaries a little.

Tell him you didn’t like it and why and just what his response is. If he’s hugely apologetic then you’ll know he just got it wrong.

If he’s a bit of a knob about it then rethink.

You’ve been together a year which is plenty of time to explore boundaries in a safe environment. But you need to be honest with him.

We started sexting during lockdown and we have kept it when we don't see each other so much.

Other red flags, I suppose his sexual fantasies always go right to the edge of where I find comfortable. When he's noticed though, he's apologised and brought it back.

I have said there's things I just don't like, even in fantasy, like for example one time I said I didn't want to have sex with other men (while he watched), this was very early on and I was trying to hold back a bit. But he still pushed it, talking about things that I had said I didn't like. But usually after another talk it stopped... but he finds ways around it a bit. It's all fantasy though, so not like he's actually doing anything.

Yeah, that's awful and some of the other stuff you say too. Get away from that one as soon as you can.

Umm I've had a sheltered life.....which 3 holes?

Um... Think of oral, anal and vaginal sex....

I agree with Soul and Emancipated.

Assuming your relationship has otherwise been great and he usually treats you with kindness, respect and affection, I would let him know you didn't like this and explain why and see what his response is. I've never really engaged in sex talk but it does seem to me that you will sometimes push up against boundaries - otherwise you're going to run out of things to say pretty quickly.

No partner is perfect. Most partners will say or do the wrong thing or impinge on each other's boundaries in one way or another at some time or another. I don't mean say or do a wrong thing which is clearly deeply nasty but something like this which is crass but is it really a dumping offence if the relationship has otherwise been really great? Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you had said something which really offended him. How would you feel if he finished the relationship without giving you a chance to explain and/or apologise?

That said, this only applies if your relationship has been otherwise healthy and fulfilling. If this is just the last in a long line of such offences then yes, it probably is time to end it.

@User7458398748 - ignore my post - didn't see your updates before posting!!!

Ok huge red flags. Degrading comments, pushing boundaries- it's a massive no from me. I think you need to be very clear and assertive about your boundaries with whoever you're sleeping with and they should 100% respect them. I don't really get this dom/sub stuff but to be honest it sounds as though it's often used to justify shitty behaviour (when I've read about it on here) and perhaps you need to remove that dynamic when you start seeing someone until you are completely and utterly sure that you can trust them and they have proven that they are respectful.

Your opinion is what counts here OP and you don’t like what he said. You also don’t like him trying to coerce you into sex that you don’t feel comfortable with. So I think really you know this isn’t for you and you could do better.

I agree with the PP poster that sub/Dom references are often made by men to disguise their abusive tendencies. I think 50 shades of grey did us no favours here.

If he ignores or tries to get around your boundaries in a sext message then he'll ignore them when you're having sex too. He's shown he doesn't have much respect for you

Yes.

I'm submissive too, OP, so I get it. He may have genuinely thought you'd like it, but you say he keeps talking about things you've already said you don't want. You definitely shouldn't be leaving these exchanges feeling that way and he should be more in tune with you.

BDSM is about trust and you clearly don't feel you can trust him. If he's a Dom, he'll be wanting to liberate you, not just use you for his wants. The reaction you're having is the exact opposite of what should be happening.

Thanks