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Original poster

Distasteful thing said during sexting.

202 replies

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 08:46

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

OP posts:
maxicheddar · 12/08/2020 09:49

It is totally degrading.

If it makes you want to leave then please do leave. Don't ignore your instincts on this. You will only regret it. Things like this will always be in his head, and he will say them and push you. I think you know it wasn't a case of him mistakenly trying to please you or some other weird thing. It is exactly as horrible as it sounds. Flowers

Clymene · 12/08/2020 09:50

@justanotherneighinparadise

I agree with the PP poster that sub/Dom references are often made by men to disguise their abusive tendencies. I think 50 shades of grey did us no favours here.
Yes
Original poster
User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 09:51

I know, the submissive comment is confusing things a bit, obviously I like it in certain contexts, not all... I just thought as we had that slight dynamic in our sex life it could explain the comment more.

The comment he made about "just three holes". the word "just" annoys me as much as the rest.

Another thing I've noticed though is he's not that interested in hearing my fantasies... It's not a red flag but I thought that was strange. My ex always preferred hearing mine.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 12/08/2020 09:52

FFS ‘liberate us’ what utter bullshit. There’s no liberation in abusive behaviour no matter how many ribbons you tie on it. When you delve into the psychology of this fetish there’s usually a man who’s a nasty bully and a woman who has a history of being abused.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 12/08/2020 10:02

“Don’t sext” is such a silly response, some people enjoy it.

But I think it sounds like he’s gone too far on a few occasions and said things you’re not comfortable with. If this was the first and only time I’d be more willing to explain in no uncertain terms it wasn’t acceptable and give him one more chance, but given he has history of pushing your boundaries while sexting I think this is one red flag too far and your instinct to call it off is correct

GilbertMarkham · 12/08/2020 10:11

like for example one time I said I didn't want to have sex with other men (while he watched), this was very early on and I was trying to hold back a bit. But he still pushed it, talking about things that I had said I didn't like. But usually after another talk it stopped... but he finds ways around it a bit.

Guy sounds like a nasty dick underneath who's always pushing it.

GilbertMarkham · 12/08/2020 10:12

Why should op not be able to sext - sexting is fun.

When the guy isn't sending offensive, degrading comments.

Original poster
User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:14

I think I am going to break up with him, it's just not the sort of things I want to be worrying about in a long term relationship. Although he's like two people, his sexual fantasy life is very rich but then he has this quite staid and responsible job, nice house, is responsible but this is just a step too far for me.

And there's one very good thing about sexting , you can go back and read it over and over, and see the exact context things were said in, so there's no question it was as you think it was.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 12/08/2020 10:15

Another thing I've noticed though is he's not that interested in hearing my fantasies... It's not a red flag but I thought that was strange.

Selfish too.

ekidmxcl · 12/08/2020 10:17

Him talking about you having sex with other men whilst he watched makes him sound like a bit of a fiend.

BertiesLanding · 12/08/2020 10:18

Your boundaries are constantly being tested and violated. Why would you tolerate this?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2020 10:19

he's not that interested in hearing my fantasies... It's not a red flag
It IS a red flag.
Why do you have to listen to his degrading, disrespectful fantasies but he doesn't have to listen to yours!?
That is not OK and IS a red flag.
He doesn't care about what you want.
It's all about HIM!
Fuck that. It should be a two way street.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 10:20

@justanotherneighinparadise

FFS ‘liberate us’ what utter bullshit. There’s no liberation in abusive behaviour no matter how many ribbons you tie on it. When you delve into the psychology of this fetish there’s usually a man who’s a nasty bully and a woman who has a history of being abused.
BDSM isn't abusive. It's also not gendered. It's a relationship dynamic that can take place between any gender pairing, with men or women in either the dominant or submissive position. Women submissives frequently have women dominants. I'm not pretending that abusers never masquerade as dominants, but dominance isn't abuse.

Submissives often find that the right dominant liberates them sexually. That was certainly my experience. It's a nuanced dynamic and I'm not going to go into great depth here, but I will say that what OP is experiencing- upset, revulsion, harm - is the absolute opposite of what should be happening. Which isn't surprising, given that this guy has already tried to trample over her boundaries.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 10:22

Oh, and OP, a proper Dom would have a HUGE interest in your fantasies. Driving you to sexual distraction is what should be getting a Dom off. They get their pleasure from delivering yours and making you crazy about them in the process.

This is, as they say, a bad 'un. Get rid and maybe make contact with your local BDSM community if this is something you want to explore. This is absolutely not how it's supposed to be.

TheBlueStocking · 12/08/2020 10:23

I think what a lot of people get wrong with this dynamic is thinking that being submissive means you don't deserve respect and kindness. When it's respect and kindness that actually makes being submissive really exciting.

He's not being kind or respectful and that's why you are feeling uncomfortable.

Someone might misjudge the situation and say something clumsy. But it sounds like he's already done that before and isn't interested in listening to your boundaries. I'd bin him off.

Original poster
User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:24

You've all been really helpful, I've just had another though... We've had a lot of phone sex as well but there were times he kept talking for far longer than I felt comfortable. Like maybe someone came into my office at work and I'd say I'd have to go because of that and he would tell me to keep listening to him with the other person waited there.

I've always wondered if that's crossing boundaries or being dominating (and plenty people would like it) ... Or both. It's not that important now but just for me to clarify it in my mind in case it ever happens again.

Other times he just talked so much I felt exhausted with it, he just kept going.... those times were probably more upsetting actually.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 12/08/2020 10:28

Why are you even questioning this? It makes you uncomfortable so you are not sexually compatible. What me or any other person on the internet likes or doesn't like is irrelevant here. If he says and does things you don't like, even more so if you tell him you don't like it and he continues, then don't question yourself. Just stop and move on.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 10:28

He's not a Dom, OP. He has no interest or understanding of the dynamic, the mutuality of it, the very purpose of it. Dump now.

riotlady · 12/08/2020 10:30

@User7458398748

We started sexting during lockdown and we have kept it when we don't see each other so much.

Other red flags, I suppose his sexual fantasies always go right to the edge of where I find comfortable. When he's noticed though, he's apologised and brought it back.

I have said there's things I just don't like, even in fantasy, like for example one time I said I didn't want to have sex with other men (while he watched), this was very early on and I was trying to hold back a bit. But he still pushed it, talking about things that I had said I didn't like. But usually after another talk it stopped... but he finds ways around it a bit. It's all fantasy though, so not like he's actually doing anything.

So I’m a sub myself, and this worries me. Discussions about consent and boundaries are a really important part of participating in BDSM (or any sexual relationship tbh) safely and if he can’t listen and FULLY respect what you say you are/aren’t comfortable with, he is not being a good partner or a good Dom.
Knocka · 12/08/2020 10:31

I've always wondered if that's crossing boundaries or being dominating (and plenty people would like it) ... Or both. It's not that important now but just for me to clarify it in my mind in case it ever happens again.

But, OP, it doesn't matter -- you don't like it. You are the only one who needs to be consulted on this. It doesn't matter being described as 'just three holes that need filling' would make me gyrate with joy.

TwentyViginti · 12/08/2020 10:32

You're having phone sex at work? Hmm

Anyway, he sounds selfish and objectifying. Also boring, yakking on to the point you're exhausted.

seensome · 12/08/2020 10:33

He sound sound like he's just too full on for you, tell him to tone it down or change the subject? Also how is your relationship in general? If it's all about sex then maybe that's all he wants from you.

IfNotNowThen2 · 12/08/2020 10:35

Is he a plasterer?

Original poster
User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:35

I'm questioning it because...I was mostly into vanilla sex before this relationship and he kind of introduced the sub,/dom dynamic to me and I did really like a lot if it at the beginning. But I'm wondering if the things that are making me uncomfortable are because I don't like being a submissive or because he's doing things that he shouldn't be as a Dom. I wouldn't have said this a couple of hours ago though because I didn't realise it till now.

I'm also ( mainly,) questioning because if it is me being oversensitive I don't want to ruin this relationship and/or would want to work on that before I got a new relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:37

I've had phone sex at lunch time at work, well not reciprocal phone sex as I just listen.

OP posts: