Distasteful thing said during sexting.

[User7458398748]

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

[CodenameVillanelle]

@fairlyplump

How disgusting, how on earth can you sext some dirty disgusting stranger, have some respect

Shut up

[category12]

There is some truth to this.

There's tons

[User7458398748]

@sammylady37

With the bell, it was the second time we had done this particular thing and the first time was far more intense than I was expecting, it was too early to ring the bell probably so a system like you suggest would have been far more appropriate. With a buzzer and a bell maybe. I don't know.

I'm going to make sure I trust whoever I do this with and we talk through rules and boundaries etc.

I think he was very, very far from a true Dom and to be honest I feel a bit teary about it all but you have all helped a lot. Thank you.

[userxx]

Umm I've had a sheltered life.....which 3 holes?

🤣🤣. It took me a moment........ god I'm getting old!

[sammylady37]

With the bell, it was the second time we had done this particular thing and the first time was far more intense than I was expecting, it was too early to ring the bell probably so a system like you suggest would have been far more appropriate. With a buzzer and a bell maybe. I don't know

No such thing as “too early to ring the bell”. Ring the bell/safeword whenever you want. Whenever you’re finding it too intense, uncomfortable, painful, not what you wanted, whatever. you’re in charge, you decide

The safe word being a word is ideal because if you’re blindfolded or have moved you may not be able to reach something.

There’s lots of good info on FetLife, which you can access and read without having to interact with someone. [

[sammylady37]

I think he was very, very far from a true Dom and to be honest I feel a bit teary about it all but you have all helped a lot. Thank you

Be kind to yourself op. This guy has violated you. He saw you as a soft touch and vulnerable to exploit. Take time to yourself to regroup and recharge and decide what you want to do about this side of you in future.

If you wish to pursue this, there’s a whole wonderful world out there to explore. But it’s not going anywhere so don’t be in any rush to dive in.

(For context, I’ve known about my BDSM kink as long as I’ve been aware of my sexuality. I’ve read extensively about it for years, browsed chat forums, gained an understanding for years. I only actually met someone and started going to munches etc about a year ago.

[draughtycatflap]

He gave you a bell precisely because he knew he could take it away. Unlike your words. He tricked you into thinking it was the same as having a safe word.

[User7458398748]

The bell thing, I couldn't speak, so there was no safe word I could use. I completely panicked and the relief when it was over was immense, he took that as a positive outcome. Although I have to say it was an experience I won't forget, it came at some cost to me. It's something that shouldn't have happened. He should never have done that.

[draughtycatflap]

@User7458398748

The bell thing, I couldn't speak, so there was no safe word I could use. I completely panicked and the relief when it was over was immense, he took that as a positive outcome. Although I have to say it was an experience I won't forget, it came at some cost to me. It's something that shouldn't have happened. He should never have done that.

But if your are gagged, for instance, you should have an agreed signal you could make with your hands or eyes or whatever. Not a physical object that can be taken away from you.

[Ginkypig]

Take the bdsm element out of this for a moment.

You're boundaries should never be broken by anyone ever but definatly never during sex! Any type of sex!

It is never ok to sweep your boundaries being broken under the carpet not during normal life not during sex and absolutely not during bdsm or submissive behaviour.

Only you are in charge of what your boundaries are and only you get to decide when and if those boundaries change or move ok.

Anyone who tries to make you feel differently has no interest in your wellbeing or any care towards you.

Only once you completely understand that and properly know and feel that in its most simplistic way would I suggest you going further into anything like submission etc because without that understanding you leave yourself incredibly vulnerable to unscrupulous people abusing you and you're trust.
Bdsm can potentially be very dangerous but it can also be a fulfilling lifestyle with the right person and with both people having the correct boundaries and respect.

I'm very glad you posted, this thread has become much more important than a sentence in a txt.

Good luck op I hope you never have to experience anyone else like that in your life again.

And just for absolute clarity he was in the wrong, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve the treatment you received at his hands.

[category12]

No, a physical object is fine to use (some people use holding a ball or cloth and they drop it to signal stop).

In this case, it's the person that is the problem - if they're willing to take away the agreed object, they'd be willing to ignore any safeword or signal you have agreed

[User7458398748]

He wasn't supposed to take the bell away from me. I never dreamt that could happen. I never let myself be that vulnerable again, it was literally just before lockdown so that worked out and maybe this is all just because life's getting back to normal and I'm thinking about it all. But reading what people have to say about what being submissive is supposed to be like just brought it up for me.

I think posting this today was the best decision I've made all year. I feel better now. I'm upset but I feel better.

Thank you.

[SoulofanAggron]

One thing that happened was I had a bell that I could ring when I needed to, but one time I rang it "too early" in his opinion, and he took it away. I was panicking after that.... That shouldn't happen, should it? I know it shouldn't happen , but I just want to ask

Noooo! I had one that broke my safeword, I gave it and he said 'I'm not going to let you get away with that' and carried on for a bit. It's only recently realized that makes it physical/sexual abuse. He also had a nasty temper and turned abusive verbally/emotionally after we split.

The other stuff is quite bad but he shouldn't be critisising me for not being able to fulfill expectations during the working day should he?

No. He feels entitled to your time and attention, even at work. He isn't. That is controlling/abuse.

Well done for blocking him- please keep him blocked. xx

[User7458398748]

I just looked at my contacts on WhatsApp and he is blocked but his picture and number was faded before but now his picture is gone, just an empty space? Does that mean he has blocked me? I feel relieved if he has done that because he's just going to leave me alone now isn't he?

[User7458398748]

@SoulofanAggron

I'm so sorry that happened, that he broke your safe word... Why do they do that? It isn't right. I'm sorry. I'm upset just now, I just can't believe what people are capable of sometimes.

[sammylady37]

Yes, if you can’t see his picture and his last active time, he has blocked you. Be thankful!

[Wondersense]

I found your bell story shocking.

You see, this is where a lot of these guys get these kicks, in my opinion. They start off consensual, and then that no longer gives them their kick so they try to make their misogynistic fantasies real. They break down your barriers so that you are no longer playing games anymore - it's real. The way I view it, he knowingly sexually abused you. You were helpless in a very real way and he knew it. Every man knows that when they have sex with women, but when he took your consent away, he went one step futher and abused you.

I don't think you're planning to, but never have sex with him again. Life is too risky for women to have a question mark over their sexual partner.

[Wondersense]

@SoulofanAggron

One thing that happened was I had a bell that I could ring when I needed to, but one time I rang it "too early" in his opinion, and he took it away. I was panicking after that.... That shouldn't happen, should it? I know it shouldn't happen , but I just want to ask

Noooo! I had one that broke my safeword, I gave it and he said 'I'm not going to let you get away with that' and carried on for a bit. It's only recently realized that makes it physical/sexual abuse. He also had a nasty temper and turned abusive verbally/emotionally after we split.

The other stuff is quite bad but he shouldn't be critisising me for not being able to fulfill expectations during the working day should he?

No. He feels entitled to your time and attention, even at work. He isn't. That is controlling/abuse.

Well done for blocking him- please keep him blocked. xx

It's also a bit psychopathic...if that's the right word? With some of them they knowingly abuse, but with others I think there's a strange disconnect between them and the human being in front of them. Like they forget that you are a real human with real emotions, almost like someone who's been wanking with sex dolls for a really long time. It's a sort of strange blindness where the word 'no' becomes empty and they disconnect from their emotions and the emotions of their victim. There is something really cold about that type of abuser, but I lack the psychological knowledge or language to describe it accurately.

[OhYeahYouSuck]

Dodged a bullet there OP. He sounds like an abusive piece of shit masquerading as a Dom.

[BubblyBarbara]

It's not about anything other than you and how you feel. If him saying that made you feel uncomfortable about him, terminate the relationship without any guilt.

[SoulofanAggron]

I'm so sorry that happened, that he broke your safe word... Why do they do that?

@User7458398748 Because it's all about them and their pleasure. Who knows, they might even get off on it. Deliberately moving the bell so you couldn't ring it was sick. I found it helpful when I recently realized what this ex was like. It is abuse. Recognizing abuse of any kind makes sense of your feelings. As a PP said, it's usually a hand signal.

they disconnect from their emotions

@Wondersense I don't necessarily think they disconnect from their own emotions, unless you mean empathy. They're driven by their own desire for fulfillment- or worse still, with some, (this was certainly an experience I had with a 'vanilla' fling, so it's not just in BDSM of course) violating or harming someone against their will is something they get off on.

@User7458398748 How're you doing? xxx

[tarasmalatarocks]

This is like reading a script of personal services with Julie Walters. I appreciate some may be into bells ringing and god knows what but phew— I’m not sure I for one could ever be arsed with all that. Are you really into this BDSM scene OP? Or just think you should be —to appear interesting or attract/keep a bloke ? Not trying to be dismissive- I’m genuinely interested .

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Noooo! I had one that broke my safeword, I gave it and he said 'I'm not going to let you get away with that' and carried on for a bit.

I hope Covid makes him shit a massive Lego brick.

[User7458398748]

@tarasmalatarocks

Honestly I only started thinking about BDSM because I liked this man, but I really did get into it much more than I thought I would. It can be incredibly intense and although my experience isn't a good one, at the beginning I think he was doing more what he should have and making it enjoyable to me. This isn't a sex forum so I won't go into details but the pleasure aspect of pain was something I didn't understand before, and the controlling aspect of when I was allowed to do certain things. My fantasies are completely different to a year ago.

At this point I couldn't imagine not trying it again. I don't want to imagine not trying it again. Even with the experiences I had. I know it's strange but I feel comfortable thinking about that world. I know it doesn't make sense really.

@SoulofanAggron

I'm doing okay, just had a couple of vodkas so should sleep okay. I thought I deserved them . Thank you.

[famousforwrongreason]

@category12

No, it shouldn't. Basically your bell was equivalent of a safe-word and he took it away. Which is unacceptable.

What's there to talk about? You want to end it, therefore it's over. Why are you having a discussion?

Absolutely disgusting and downright scary he removed your bell after you'd agreed it as your safe word.
You don't need to talk, you've told him you want out, that's your 'out'.
you don't owe him anything. He's playing at this in order to be a cunt. I have a family member like this who has estranged his wife from the rest of us because he's an abusive arseholes.