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Relationships

Distasteful thing said during sexting.

202 replies

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 08:46

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

OP posts:
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ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 15:22

@Palavah

BDSM sounds exhausting! So much second-guessing.

Oh no...the whole point is that you're in tune with each other and not second guessing.

OP already communicated enough to this bell end. He's caused this reaction in her not because he's second guessing but because he's not a Dom, he's just a prick who isn't listening to her and doesn't care what she wants.
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rebecca102 · 12/08/2020 15:40

Disgusting

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fuckoffannoying · 12/08/2020 15:46

It's just the same as saying you're a dirty slut that just needs shagged. Shows he has no respect for you and is objectifying you. As a previous PP said, there's a difference between being dominate and degrading and he is being degrading.

I would not like that and to be honest, see even if he said something perfectly "acceptable" yet you found it made you uncomfortable, then that is reason enough to end it. You don't have to explain yourself or your feelings to anyone.

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Skyliner001 · 12/08/2020 15:48

🤢

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sammylady37 · 12/08/2020 15:51

I’m reasonably active on the BDSM scene in my country. I’d second pretty much what other posters who are into it have said.

What you describe is very far from a D/s relationship. He’s just a selfish wanker who thinks dominance is about ordering a woman to do what he wants and hurting her.

A true Dom would be utterly in tune with your desires, needs and reactions. Nothing would be done without consent, nothing would happen that you didn’t want to happen. He would watch your reactions, both verbal and non-verbal to ensure that you’re ok. There would be safe-words. As am example, I was recently in a scene with my Dom. He was behind me and noticed that I’d clenched and unclenched the fingers on one hand. He stopped what he was doing to enquire if I was in (unwelcome) pain from what he was doing- he was concerned that in the heat of the moment I’d forgotten the safe word. All that had happened was that i’d had a sudden dart of pain in my fingers and wanted to try shake it off! But my point is that he noticed such a minor, quick act and stopped immediately to ensure I was ok.

If you want to explore this further, join FetLife, and have a look at local or newbie fora there. Word of advice, don’t put the fact that you’re a newbie into your profile, and if you do get chatting to someone with the view to meeting, ensure discussions re boundaries etc and NEVER EVER meet someone who says they don’t do/you won’t need safe words. Delete and block anyone who says that.

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SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 12/08/2020 15:57

He has revealed himself.......

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bbee12 · 12/08/2020 16:06

You have a right to feel uncomfortable if you don't like that sort of thing.

It's never right to assume what people like or may not like, there should always be a discussion beforehand, especially if there is going to be some dom/sub elements. If you've decided you want to carry on sexting with him, have you spoken to him and told him you didn't like it?

However if you don't want to anymore that's understandable, it was a boundary for you that he crossed.

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FippertyGibbett · 12/08/2020 16:07

Yes.

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SoulofanAggron · 12/08/2020 16:08

It's just the same as saying you're a dirty slut that just needs shagged. Shows he has no respect for you and is objectifying you.

@fuckoffannoying The idea is, it's role play. Hopefully in BDSM, the bloke doesn't mean it in real life (though I'm not sure about this one.)

Like a partner might call me a 'wh*re' in bed and they don't mean it, they know I'm not actually one IRL. It's just the sort of thing I liked and asked them to do, call me names etc. 'Dirty slut desperate for X' is exactly the sort of thing they would say. It doesn't mean they mean it.

I used to get off on things like that, but I'm going to try not to do it anymore, as it's not healthy for me personally, though it might be ok for other people.

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CodenameVillanelle · 12/08/2020 16:25

@Bananabread8

Maybe he thought you would like that sort of thing.... I don’t think it’s that bad infact I wonder what impression you gave him for him to txt you that message in the first place. He could of just thought it was part of the role play!

Blaming the OP for a man sending her unwanted degrading messages - nice!
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swimsong · 12/08/2020 16:27

Maybe explain that it's very different hearing something like that outside of a session when you're not turned on already.

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CarrotCakeCrumbs · 12/08/2020 16:29

The thing with a submissive/dominant relationship is that it really isn't something to play around with it needs serious discussions around boundaries, and very clear knowledge of what is and isn't ok with the other, there needs to be aftercare etc. Too many people seem to think it's just a fun thing to try out when it's not

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Deadringer · 12/08/2020 16:48

I am on the fence on this one. I would be fucking disgusted if a bloke texted that to me, but i am not remotely sub, don't like dominant men, and have never sexted. My dh has said some really stupid shit during our very long marriage and i have called him out on it every time. In the context of your relationship, only you can decide if it's acceptable. If you tell him it's not and he says something like that again, bin him off.

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Bbub · 12/08/2020 17:27

What's wrong with sexting ffs!! Guess what some people enjoy and are turned on by different things to you Shock

From the Op I didn't think there is anything wrong if you were able to raise it with him and say its over the line for you. Tbh that's the kind of stuff I genuinely like! But subsequent updates makes it sound like he is a selfish prick tbh.

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Bbub · 12/08/2020 17:30

Role play can be really fun and sometimes lines are going to be crossed as no one's a mind reader.

A lot of people do love to be degraded and get off on it sexually. It's hardly an abusive message out of context.

Sorry not sure who I'm @ing but some people horrified about this seem to be missing the point.

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category12 · 12/08/2020 17:54

I'd recommend you join Fetlife - just to read to start with (don't put up pictures or detailed profile otherwise you'll be inundated by wankers) - and read up about the dynamic, and read local groups.

If you're going to learn from anyone, talk with and learn from other subs - don't get taken under the wing of some "Master" or Domly Dom who wants to "train" you or "mentor" you. Go along to munches if they're going on or virtual munches if not. Be fairly cynical about people who talk about it as a lifestyle - it's basically about getting off - it's not a fucking lifestyle.

Make sure you have excellent boundaries and won't take any shit before engaging with any play or dynamic.

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ReadyforTakeOff · 12/08/2020 17:59

Some of the posters here are making BDSM sounds like some sort of art form and a world where only the enlightened can enter....

I am not worthy etc.. ;)

As you were..

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category12 · 12/08/2020 18:08

Some of the posters here are making BDSM sounds like some sort of art form and a world where only the enlightened can enter....

It can be an art form Grin - have you seen some of the ropework, body modifications etc people do? it's extraordinary. It can be slap and tickle and fluffy handcuffs in the bedroom - or people do some really weird shit and "live it" 24/7.

If OP's interested in it, better she reads up and finds a level she's interested in than falls into the arms of the next passing chap who calls himself Lord God King Buttfuck.

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fuckoffannoying · 12/08/2020 18:08

@SoulofanAggron yeah that's all fine and well, however, the OP is not comfortable with it.

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sammylady37 · 12/08/2020 18:09

Some of the posters here are making BDSM sounds like some sort of art form and a world where only the enlightened can enter

Well, to be fair, if someone “unenlightened” strays into BDSM, there’s a high chance of actually ending up in an abusive and unsatisfying relationship like the op, who thought she was in a BDSM relationship yet still had to ask this:

So as a submissive you should still hold quite strong boundaries and these should be respected? See , that's what makes me like the idea of it more. That's not what I've been experiencing though

Far better for someone to spend time understanding what it’s all about and talking to others and gaining an appreciation for what is actual dominance versus what is selfish and abusive.

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User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 19:07

Wow, the posts are just extraordinary . I'm so glad I posted. I always knew I was a novice on the BDSM scene, that's kind of why I said I was a "little submissive" in the OP, just to give a bit of background to the sexting.

There has been things I wanted to ask and I know Mumsnet isn't necessarily the forum to do it in... But I will be as vague as I can. I'm not ready to join fetlife just yet.

One thing that happened was I had a bell that I could ring when I needed to, but one time I rang it "too early" in his opinion, and he took it away. I was panicking after that.... That shouldn't happen, should it? I know it shouldn't happen , but I just want to ask...

The other stuff is quite bad but he shouldn't be critisising me for not being able to fulfill expectations during the working day should he? I should still have boundaries. I know this has been asked and answered really. I've just been thinking so much.

I wanted to keep this away from my ordinary life, he was happy for it to overlap... But his life was protected completely.

Oh and I sent a text to him saying I didn't want to continue our relationship. We are talking about it later.

OP posts:
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category12 · 12/08/2020 19:16

No, it shouldn't. Basically your bell was equivalent of a safe-word and he took it away. Which is unacceptable.

What's there to talk about? You want to end it, therefore it's over. Why are you having a discussion?

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MoreListeningLessChatting · 12/08/2020 19:19

It sounds like he views you as a sexual object.

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Eddielzzard · 12/08/2020 19:19

You don't have to talk later. You don't have to ask his permission.

It's over.

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ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 19:19

One thing that happened was I had a bell that I could ring when I needed to, but one time I rang it "too early" in his opinion, and he took it away. I was panicking after that.... That shouldn't happen, should it? I know it shouldn't happen , but I just want to ask...

If I understand this correctly, that bell acted as your safeword and he ignored it. I can't overstate the seriousness of that and how abusive it is. Dump immediately, tell him why and if you make contact with your local community, tell them about him. He is an abuser.

I sent a text to him saying I didn't want to continue our relationship. We are talking about it later

My turn to get Domme on you, my sweet. No, you are not talking about it. You do not have nice chinwags with abusive little shits who ignore your safeword, trample on your boundaries and disregard your safety. Do not allow him that inroad, that chance to get you to doubt yourself. He is no Dom. Every person on here who knows BDSM has said that. He is an abusive shit. Do not speak to him. You have rightly ended it, so block him now. If you get involved with your local scene, he is the kind of person they will warn you about. Get out and do not give him a chance to ingratiate himself with you after what he's done. It's serious.

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