Distasteful thing said during sexting.

[User7458398748]

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

[HopelessSemantics]

A lot of people these days using BDSM as an excuse to be an abusive asshole or to act out their fucked up insecurities by being "submissive".

Been there, done that, look back and cringe now. I don't believe any man who actually likes women could actually get off on this kind of shit.

[famousforwrongreason]

@CarrotCakeCrumbs

The thing with a submissive/dominant relationship is that it really isn't something to play around with it needs serious discussions around boundaries, and very clear knowledge of what is and isn't ok with the other, there needs to be aftercare etc. Too many people seem to think it's just a fun thing to try out when it's not

Of course it can be a fun thing to try out. You can try it, decide what you want from it and explore further or you might decide that actually, it isn't for you.
How would people know without giving it a try.

[Zerrin13]

Holes just needing to be filled, bell ringing
Subs and doms, what a complete load of shit! You are just there to serve as a sexual
outlet for his nasty little desires. He is a misogynistic pig. What about having an actual normal relationship? I'm sure he is more interested in filling those 3 holes.
Stop pandering to this twat. Stop trying to be what he wants. He is offering you nothing.

[CarrotCakeCrumbs]

@famousforwrongreason what I mean is that because there is a high potential for the 'dominant' participant to say/do something that the 'submissive' doesn't want clear boundaries and limits must be discussed first, and even more important that the more potentially dangerous aspects (e.g. choking/gagging etc) be thoroughly researched to ensure that they are doing it correctly. It is not like trying a sex game or dressing up and playing doctors and nurses that you can just do and then decide whether or not you like it - the power play involved means that normal boundaries can become blurred.

[Iooselipssinkships]

The moment he took away that bell it became non consensual on your part.
Although not a sub/dom dynamic my ex decided we should have a safe word and I agreed. I realised that he only did this to hear me screaming it at him when I was being sexually assaulted. He was arrested for attempted murder after I tried leaving. This type of person can be life threatening dangerous and you've done completely the right thing. I wish I had been as strong as you OP

[famousforwrongreason]

[quote CarrotCakeCrumbs]@famousforwrongreason what I mean is that because there is a high potential for the 'dominant' participant to say/do something that the 'submissive' doesn't want clear boundaries and limits must be discussed first, and even more important that the more potentially dangerous aspects (e.g. choking/gagging etc) be thoroughly researched to ensure that they are doing it correctly. It is not like trying a sex game or dressing up and playing doctors and nurses that you can just do and then decide whether or not you like it - the power play involved means that normal boundaries can become blurred.[/quote]
I get what you're saying. I'd written a long reply but accidentally lost it. I was writing more in ideal terms I guess, exploration and experimental from the safety of an intimate and respectful relationship.
I've seen both sides, very dangerous experiences as a young girl with abusers and then much more measured safe boundary pushing and pulling back in latter years.

[SoulofanAggron]

You definitely deserve them

Obviously, don't get into a new relationship or BDSM relationship in a hurry.

Your feelings about it might alter in some way now you're in control of you, he's not around and you can think which bits you liked/disliked with a clearer head.

You can also think of red flags that he was a wrong'un so you know what to dump someone for and can do it more quickly in future. It's worth taking some time to think about that, I've found (well, I hope so!)

[ShebaShimmyShake]

This is why I think the community is the way to go. They're used to new people, they do love talking about it (there is truth to the pretentious wank stuff, but on the plus side that means they'll answer your questions and discuss until you're satisfied) and there's self regulation within it. If it gets out that you disregard safewords or equivalent, the community will not stand for it. There's a reason why these dicks often operate as lone wolves to women with no prior experience or understanding.

To give you some idea, OP, the fetish clubs I've been to were safer and nicer by far than the ordinary nightclubs. I was never groped or hassled; people hit on me, for sure, but if I declined they backed RIGHT off. It was amazing being able to walk around in rather provocative clothing and know that I could say no whenever I wanted and there would be no issue. You might be surprised at how many newcomers there always are at events. Obviously that can't happen these days but I'm sure people would be happy to chat to you by email and online in the meantime to help you get ready if that's something you'd like to explore.

[caringcarer]

He does not sound like a keeper to.me. set your bar higher and move on.

[binkyblinky]

I'd like to know the rest of the conversation, what was said before or after to see if it had any 'context' or if it was just a random comment?

[User7458398748]

Good afternoon everybody. This thread is amazing and it keeps on giving. I'm definitely going to be joining fetlife at some point in the future,. I haven't even googled anything about being submissive, I haven't learned anything independently or anything. I think that's crazy now but I suppose I thought part of it was being led or something.

My boundaries are awful and need a lot of work. The bell thing is a big wake up call, I should have went ballistic after it and I didn't. I'm so annoyed at myself. At least I see it clearly now. I've been watching some videos on boundaries on YouTube just to start my work on myself. I think counselling could help? I have a lot of bits of ideas and I need to make them whole. Like I think I might like being submissive because I did have a difficult time growing up but I think that's okay because I understand and accept it? Anyway I need to decide for myself after some work.

I won't say no to any articles, books or YouTube video recommendations on working on boundaries because I don't have a clue right now. If I find anything good I will post.

Thank you, you absolutely beautiful ladies ( and possible gentlemen). You have made me feel 1000 times better.

[TheBlueStocking]

Glad to hear you've blocked him, OP. Well done on standing up for yourself.

In defence of BDSM, you get plenty of men who don't listen to you when you say no in any kind of sexual activity. Unfortunately, I don't think many of us have never been in the situation where someone has carried on doing something even though we've made it clear we're uncomfortable. There are some bloody rotten eggs out there!

[Dogssox]

It's a bit cringey but I think he just means he wants to shag you in each of those "holes". Cringe but no big deal.

[Dogssox]

OK I didn't read the whole thread and my reply was only for your initial post!

[User7458398748]

That's alright, I was always as annoyed by the word "just". Like that's all I was. Thank you.

[SoulofanAggron]

The bell thing is a big wake up call, I should have went ballistic after it and I didn't. I'm so annoyed at myself. At least I see it clearly now. I've been watching some videos on boundaries on YouTube just to start my work on myself. I think counselling could help? I have a lot of bits of ideas and I need to make them whole.

@User7458398748 Counselling= absolutely. I didn't say anything after the bloke broke my safe word, either. I think it was the shock- and I find it hard to be assertive, too. I'm in counselling after 5 months single. I spent the whole time thinking of ways I should've been assertive over the years- almost every time someone was nasty, I said nothing, even though what I wanted to say was on the tip of my tongue. It was like I was struck dumb.

You can learn a lot about boundaries from Mumsnet- read threads and you can learn so much.

Richard Grannon and Kris Godinez are good on YouTube- oh and I like Val (ToxicFree.)

Like I think I might like being submissive because I did have a difficult time growing up but I think that's okay because I understand and accept it?

You might think you understand and accept how your childhood led you to like submission. But IMHO there's always more we can learn about ourselves. In counselling you will probably find you're not as ok with your childhood experiences as you think.

Coming at BDSM from a place where we know it's based on/ contributed to by childhood trauma or whatever, I don't think is good. Work on it, rather than accept it.

This is because I don't think we only recreate that pattern in the bedroom, though that is part of it. Unless you work on it you will end up with a certain type of guy.

I don't know what your personal pattern is but for me some of the men I ended up with I thought were superior to myself. This was a kink sometimes but also not good. I would literally lick their boots, their everything. When/if they treat you with disrespect or dump you then it's very painful. And you do everything for them, you lose yourself. It can be very traumatic and horrific.

@TheBlueStocking Yep, at the moment a bloke would have to just happen to come across me, and be respectful. Maybe I'd get bored of it but respectful is what I'd be looking for.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I repressed and ignored my submissive feelings for years because I thought they were a fucked up response to my abusive father, even though I can trace them back to the age of three. I now know they are nothing to do with him, they're just part of me, although I do have him to thank for my strong boundaries and quick willingness to have fucked off anyone who brought back any feelings like the ones he inspired.

I discussed this with doms and my husband and they were very understanding and showed me why they were nothing like him. In my early days I remember my husband sending me some whipping videos that he had chosen for me and I was struck by how controlled it all was. The men were not running at the women waving their fists and screaming abuse. They were being very restrained and controlled, you could see they weren't using their full strength and you could see them checking on the women very carefully throughout. (Husband and I once made our own video and I remember telling him I had never truly realised just how much care and concern he was taking. He was very very focused on me.)

I certainly agree that you need to be careful if you have an abuse history (and even if you haven't) but again...talking to people in the community will help to inform you.

I've never felt that a Dom was "superior" to me. Stronger willed, more assertive and with a dirtier mind, yes, but that's kind of the point.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Ah ha...I was "struck" by the whipping videos. That wasn't intentional but let's pretend it was!

[TheChampagneGalop]

OP, well done blocking the creep. As you say yourself, now is the time to work on your boundaries, get a strong shark cage going. Forget BDSM, at least for now, and work on that.

[TheChampagneGalop]

This what I mean by shark cage btw: www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

[category12]

I haven't even googled anything about being submissive, I haven't learned anything independently or anything. I think that's crazy now but I suppose I thought part of it was being led or something.

That's why I would advise you to mostly talk with other submissives and look for friendships first, not play, if/when you join the scene. You will have Dom guys approach you and offer to "mentor" or "train" you - don't get suckered into that. ("Training" is a lot of old hooey, and only trains you to please that particular Twue Dom.)

[category12]

And definitely build your shark cage good and strong and feel confident in asserting your boundaries before you get into any of that.

If you need any support working out where your boundaries should be, you can always sense-check here.

[Pokske]

Since you are asking, but you know the answer because you don't FEEL okay with it. He's degrading and childish in pushinfg where he knows he shouldn't be.
Run.

[SoulofanAggron]

@ShebaShimmyShake I'm glad to hear that your experience with your father led to you taking less shit. Unfortunately, that's not the case for a lot of people- they become primarily people pleasers etc and are then more easily manipulated.

@TheChampagneGalop I love the shark cage stuff.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

[quote SoulofanAggron]@ShebaShimmyShake I'm glad to hear that your experience with your father led to you taking less shit. Unfortunately, that's not the case for a lot of people- they become primarily people pleasers etc and are then more easily manipulated.

@TheChampagneGalop I love the shark cage stuff.[/quote]
That is sadly very true.