Page 3 | Distasteful thing said during sexting.

User7458398748 · 2020-08-12T07:46:35+00:00

This might be TMI for some people. Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship. Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

SummerHouse · 12/08/2020 10:40

Three holes!? No thanks.

TheBlueStocking · 12/08/2020 10:40

No one should be making you feel uncomfortable, OP.

In any normal relationship of this type, it's the submissive that has the control. You should be talking in advance about what you are comfortable with, he should stop at any point if you say you aren't comfortable, and you should be getting after care where he is very loving and reassuring. If that's not happening, he's useless.

TwentyViginti · 12/08/2020 10:42

@User7458398748

I've had phone sex at lunch time at work, well not reciprocal phone sex as I just listen.

Even more boring!

Original poster

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:42

No, he's not a plasterer, he has an office job. So there's another man who sounds just like him?

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 10:43

@User7458398748

I'm questioning it because...I was mostly into vanilla sex before this relationship and he kind of introduced the sub,/dom dynamic to me and I did really like a lot if it at the beginning. But I'm wondering if the things that are making me uncomfortable are because I don't like being a submissive or because he's doing things that he shouldn't be as a Dom. I wouldn't have said this a couple of hours ago though because I didn't realise it till now.

I'm also ( mainly,) questioning because if it is me being oversensitive I don't want to ruin this relationship and/or would want to work on that before I got a new relationship.

He's NOT a Dom. He thinks it's about having a woman do everything he wants without question and no desires of her own. A Dom will actually never bloody stop addressing your desires, will have a massive interest in your fantasies. You might, depending on the scene, pretend for a while that you're only doing this for the Dom but it's just roleplay, in that sense. As my husband always says: this is about what you need. And there is always the safe word.

It sounds as though you do have submissive feelings but this is not the man to help you discover them. He will likely either drive them further underground because he doesn't understand or care about them, or he'll abuse them and get you thinking this is what it is. Either way, you're going to suffer and you won't get fulfilment, BDSM or vanilla. This isn't domination. It isn't even healthy vanilla. Dump.

CourseTheyWere · 12/08/2020 10:44

I think the thing that worries me about this is the pushing of your boundaries. A respectful partner is just that. If you say no - that is the end of the discussion - submissive or not.

Please get rid OP.

Original poster

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:53

@TwentyViginti

Yes, listening to someones fantasies while you're at work isn't that much fun! I wouldn't recommend it.

OP posts:

Original poster

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 10:55

So as a submissive you should still hold quite strong boundaries and these should be respected? See , that's what makes me like the idea of it more. That's not what I've been experiencing though.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/08/2020 10:56

Oh god, he sounds awful. He tramples all over your boundaries, he's boring as hell, he's a big bully and he thinks you are a piece of meat. OP, you can do so much better than this.

IfNotNowThen2 · 12/08/2020 10:59

@User7458398748

No, he's not a plasterer, he has an office job. So there's another man who sounds just like him?

No. I was joking. As you were...!

Original poster

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 11:00

Oh, I get it!!! It's funny. Thank you.

OP posts:

TheBlueStocking · 12/08/2020 11:00

@User7458398748

So as a submissive you should still hold quite strong boundaries and these should be respected? See , that's what makes me like the idea of it more. That's not what I've been experiencing though.

That's exactly it. It's a mutual bond of trust.

GennyCrabby · 12/08/2020 11:03

Depressingly often people introduce a D/S dynamic when they're not actually D, they're just a selfish walker who thinks they see an easy way to get what they want.

D/S dynamic should be all about consent. You should be able to talk about it all and have your boundaries respected... and you the S should always in ultimate control.

This doesn't sound like a healthy kink relationship. It sounds like he's a misogynistic dick who is using D/S as a thin veneer to cover up for being a selfish prick.

There is a forum called Fetlife, have a log in and a chat on the newbies threads on there.

I would call it off and take some time out for yourself to get back in touch with what you want and what your boundries are.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 11:05

@User7458398748

So as a submissive you should still hold quite strong boundaries and these should be respected? See , that's what makes me like the idea of it more. That's not what I've been experiencing though.

Yes! You set your limits and you have a safeword. You may find over time that your limits change but you discuss this with your Dom. You may feel near the edge sometimes, the intensity is a huge part of it, but you never feel unsafe or uncared for.

I sometimes think of it as the Dom gets to say what does happen, but the sub gets to say what doesn't.

BlingLoving · 12/08/2020 11:09

I'm also ( mainly,) questioning because if it is me being oversensitive I don't want to ruin this relationship and/or would want to work on that before I got a new relationship.

Broadly speaking, there is no such thing as being "over sensitive" when it comes to sex. Either you like what's happening, or you don't. If you don't, then that's it, you're not compatible. The fact that this guy sounds like a complete wanker is almost irrelevant. You don't get off on it and he's trying to force you to.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 11:13

Depressingly often people introduce a D/S dynamic when they're not actually D, they're just a selfish walker who thinks they see an easy way to get what they want.

I'm nodding like the Churchill dog.

Original poster

User7458398748 · 12/08/2020 11:25

I think I have a lot to learn about setting boundaries and listening to my gut feelings. I ignore things all the time because I think it wouldn't bother other people, and I'm being oversensitive. Also, it's more important to me that other people are happy than if I am.

And I'm really interested in what it really feels like to be a submissive....I like what you are saying how it should be. That interests me a lot actually.

I'm going to be single for a while and then look into this world properly.

OP posts:

Anydreamwilldo12 · 12/08/2020 11:29

Great decision OP. The pps who have advised know what they are talking about. He is a man who is using sub/dom simply to get you to do whatever he wants and to be able to say degrading things to you.
He is nasty.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/08/2020 11:30

Perhaps contact your local community, OP...obviously they won't be holding events now but I'm sure they'll be very happy to talk to you and answer your questions. And dump this guy like a hot potato. It doesn't matter whether something wouldn't bother someone else, the point is that it bothers YOU. You don't have to justify it.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 12/08/2020 11:38

I’m also submissive and might enjoy this comment, in the right context, but probably in the heat of the moment rather than over text. I think it’s also something to be discussed beforehand and introduced very carefully as it has the potential to be degrading or just a massive turn-off. For what it’s worth, I’m now with a sexually dominant man who actually respects me and honours my boundaries - possibly for the first time ever, after some horrible previous experiences with “BDSM”. My partner would never say something like this or introduce any new sexual act without full discussion beforehand and “enthusiastic consent” on both sides. Unfortunately, there are too many men who use BDSM as an excuse to abuse women or act out their pornsick fantasies.

Ginkypig · 12/08/2020 12:18

@User7458398748

So as a submissive you should still hold quite strong boundaries and these should be respected? See , that's what makes me like the idea of it more. That's not what I've been experiencing though.

A sub is in charge! The other partner wants to pleasure not upset or degrade

A "real" respectful partner or Dom works specifically within the boundaries and dynamics that have been agreed between you both before hand (and actually wouldn't want to proceed until they had had a discussion and agreed on that) and would never push once told unless that was a specific part of the plan drawn up beforehand as in the partner has told them if we do this I will push back but even then there are rules and words put in place to ensure there is a safe way to stop activities.

As someone else has explained to you but I'm not sure you have noticed a real Dom sub dynamic would have the dominant person being extremely interested in the wants and needs of the submissive partner. They get their pleasure by practicing the behaviours the other wants and by doing them well so the partner links the person and the behaviours part of that is being very interested in hearing about the others needs and wants and imagining they were the person delivering the scenarios and using the information to plan the next encounter.

This gut sounds like a typical arse hole who happens to have watched a bit of bdsm but has no actual knowledge on the subject.
Twat.

Ginkypig · 12/08/2020 12:22

@BlingLoving

I'm also ( mainly,) questioning because if it is me being oversensitive I don't want to ruin this relationship and/or would want to work on that before I got a new relationship.

Broadly speaking, there is no such thing as being "over sensitive" when it comes to sex. Either you like what's happening, or you don't. If you don't, then that's it, you're not compatible. The fact that this guy sounds like a complete wanker is almost irrelevant. You don't get off on it and he's trying to force you to.

Even if you get nothing else from this thread this is the one post you need to remember with every sexual encounter with every partner this is the rule always always always!

GennyCrabby · 12/08/2020 12:35

I think I have a lot to learn about setting boundaries and listening to my gut feelings. I ignore things all the time because I think it wouldn't bother other people, and I'm being oversensitive. Also, it's more important to me that other people are happy than if I am.

And I'm really interested in what it really feels like to be a submissive....I like what you are saying how it should be. That interests me a lot actually.

I'm going to be single for a while and then look into this world properly.

If you wanted to, there is a whole load in there that you could discuss with a kink friendly counsellor.

You can't safely play as a sub until you are in tune with your body listening, boundaries and are able to vocalise them clearly.

There is a lot of dysfunction in the kink world. A LOT. It gets bad rap for good reasons, and I say that as a kink positive person. Be careful that you are exploring from a place of self-empowered pleasure, not dysfunction. There are a couple of things you've said that makes me cautious that you might be coming from the latter - "I'm a people pleaser/interested in giving others pleasure" is one of them. Kinks are more interesting (imo) generally when they explore the opposite of what we are used to. You don't sound like you're used to and sure of yourself enough to be able to know what you want, ask for and get it. Being a generous lover AND ALSO being interested in asking for and getting what works for you is a baseline for good sex and I wouldn't advise anybody to explore anything else until you've got a good solid foundation in that.

Truly consensual, well thought through kinks are healthy, empowering, satisfying and pleasurable.

Hmm. Monologue I wasn't expecting over!

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 12/08/2020 12:36

Sorry but that's really gross.

Dery · 12/08/2020 12:52

"BDSM is about trust and you clearly don't feel you can trust him. If he's a Dom, he'll be wanting to liberate you, not just use you for his wants. The reaction you're having is the exact opposite of what should be happening."

This with bells on. The real power in a BDSM relationship should lie with the submissive who calls the shots on what they want and what is and what isn't okay - we were taught it as "power over, power under". Properly and respectfully done, BDSM can be amazing. However, unfortunately it lends itself to being misused by abusers who think it's just a licence to push people around and hurt them.