Distasteful thing said during sexting.

[User7458398748]

This might be TMI for some people.

Nice guy in every other way said during sexting.... that I am just three holes that need to be filled. We've been seeing each other a year and I like being a little submissive but this still makes me want to leave the relationship.

Quick question? Would it make you want to leave?

[Palavah]

He sounds selfish - he's not interested in hearing your fantasies.

He's not respecting your boundaries - he keeps talking about scenarios you've told him multiple times are a turn-off.

He's not for you, OP. By all means be glad that you have discovered another angle to your sexuality and a clearer view of what you do and don't like. You don't need to hang on to him any longer though.

Having an office job and a house doesn't make him respectful or nice.

[CodenameVillanelle]

He's been doing things sexually that you don't like, for ages. You need stronger boundaries because any time a man does something sexual that you don't like and doesn't immediately stop when you say (and in fact, they should ask first, even getting to the point of having to be told no is too far) that man is a sexual abuser and you need to get as far away from him as possible.
Sexual abusers ignore others' boundaries and coerce people (usually women) into tolerating things they don't want to do. Sexual abuse also escalates. Gross sexual talk is bad enough but what happens when you're tied up and he decides he's going to try something without asking you first and won't stop if you don't like it??

[porcelinaofthevastoceanss]

Ew. That would have me (and my three holes) running for the proverbial hills.

[User7458398748]

I know, I think the man is a mistake and I'm not in a good place to.have this type of sexual relationship. I need to do some work on myself. Thanks for your posts everyone, I feel a lot clearer.

I met him and completely fell for him and when he wanted to introduce this element I was amazed how into it I was at first, I only tried it because I liked him but initially it made everything a lot more interesting.

But over time, it's not feeling like the right thing, I don't feel like I have any respect or control over how things go and when I try to introduce anything that gives me either of those things nothing changes. It's not been a long relationship when you think of lockdown and I am just going to have to put it down to experience.

I won't lie to you though, I'm going to do the work on how to set boundaries and listening to myself and meeting my own needs (as well as others), because something about being a submissive is very appealing to me. I want to learn a lot more about it.

Right now that part is more appealing than he is. It's a strange world.

[User7458398748]

Well. I know the man is a mistake. I'm going to break up with him tonight.

[Bananabread8]

Maybe he thought you would like that sort of thing.... I don’t think it’s that bad infact I wonder what impression you gave him for him to txt you that message in the first place. He could of just thought it was part of the role play!

[famousforwrongreason]

It's all about context and where you've been before with him. Often with role play it's about testing boundaries and working out your comfort zone. No harm in telling him you don't like it. If there are other things that make you uncomfortable or if this has really made you feel bad then you can end it anytime.

[2bazookas]

Tell him you've just found the plughole, and sent him down the sewer where he belongs.

[User7458398748]

I've reread the thread and the comments about how a Dom should be acting are extremely enlightening so thank you for that. I've always thought that his disinterest in my fantasies were strange, he didn't show much interest in me at all at times, I have just felt like ... Someone who was there to receive him.

I know I probably sound like a bit of an idiot to people who know what they're talking about. I can't believe I just walked into a world I didn't know anything about and just assumed he would be good at it and be leading me in the right direction. It could be worse I suppose.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

@User7458398748

I've reread the thread and the comments about how a Dom should be acting are extremely enlightening so thank you for that. I've always thought that his disinterest in my fantasies were strange, he didn't show much interest in me at all at times, I have just felt like ... Someone who was there to receive him.

I know I probably sound like a bit of an idiot to people who know what they're talking about. I can't believe I just walked into a world I didn't know anything about and just assumed he would be good at it and be leading me in the right direction. It could be worse I suppose.

You don't sound an idiot at all. I had no clue until I met the people, including my husband, who helped me to discover it. I had some vague submissive feelings and fantasies but everything I saw about it seemed so extreme and strange, I didn't think I fitted into it. It seems less strange to me now, but there was a process!

It doesn't help that so much popular BDSM fiction just glorifies abuse. 50 Shades is the best known one but there are others. I'm not going to give them a plug, but unfortunately many of them really do give the completely wrong impression. And even the ones that are intended to be pure fantasy and taken that way can look very frightening to someone who's not familiar with how the dynamic works. It can be tough, which is why I think talking to people in the community might be the best way to go.

A sub is absolutely not there just to receive the Dom in a one-way non-interaction. He's not a Dom, he just wants a woman to service him with no reciprocation. That's almost the exact opposite of what a Dom does.

[famousforwrongreason]

@User7458398748

I've reread the thread and the comments about how a Dom should be acting are extremely enlightening so thank you for that. I've always thought that his disinterest in my fantasies were strange, he didn't show much interest in me at all at times, I have just felt like ... Someone who was there to receive him.

I know I probably sound like a bit of an idiot to people who know what they're talking about. I can't believe I just walked into a world I didn't know anything about and just assumed he would be good at it and be leading me in the right direction. It could be worse I suppose.

I've just seen your updates. You don't sound like an idiot at all!
You have listened to your instincts, found something uncomfortable and decided to end it. I would say that pretty switched on and very strong boundaries and sense of self.
It's really important to listen to your gut with things like this.
I'm really glad you posted here and didn't just go along with it. Being a submissive sexually doesn't mean that the dominant person gets to call the shots unless you want them to.
A lot of people believe that it's actually the submissive partner who has more power and control than the dom because you are the one who is dictating how you want it to happen and you're choosing if and when to change the dynamic.
What you love one day might be horrible on another day and that's OK too, you can be as fickle as you want. It's your body and you get to choose how you want to be treated.
I think you're ace.
I love to push boundaries but there's things I'd find absolutely disgusting with one person and thoroughly enjoy them with someone else.
I love a good dirty talk or sexting sesh and sometimes I' ll get off on things that I'd find abhorrent in real life, especially regarding my feminist stance.
A decent partner would regularly check in with you too, to make sure you're into it and it's also good to have a reassurance discussion maybe to clarify that this is all fantasy and not something that you'd ever want in real life, for example the sex with other me that he brought up
It might be a turn on to talk about it but the reality could make you feel degraded and vulnerable. Other women might find it empowering. I've experimented with things like that and enjoyed it when I was younger but now I'm older and have been to some scary places (not consensual) I am unlikely to ever do it again.
What's fab about your scenario is that now you already have a much clearer idea of what you want and where your line iis drwan so with future partners you'll be able to clarify your boundaries and to explore further in a safe and consensual and respectful way.

[baterwaiter]

Wouldn’t he also have submissive traits if he has cuckold fantasies? I thought men who liked that are submissive rather than dominant.

[baterwaiter]

He does sound too much though OP. I think you are making the right decision.

[famousforwrongreason]

Also a lot of guys use the cover of being a dom to actually get away with being abusive rapey arseholes and love women who don't have lots of experience or knowledge of bdsm and boundaries because they are easier to manipulate.

[SoulofanAggron]

I have said there's things I just don't like, even in fantasy, like for example one time I said I didn't want to have sex with other men (while he watched), this was very early on and I was trying to hold back a bit. But he still pushed it, talking about things that I had said I didn't like. But usually after another talk it stopped... but he finds ways around it a bit.

NO NO NO! This is an attempt at sexual coercion and a definite dumping offence.

Another thing I've noticed though is he's not that interested in hearing my fantasies... It's not a red flag but I thought that was strange. My ex always preferred hearing mine.

It is a red flag- he's trying to be the one getting everything his own way sexually and in control of it all. It's probably part of the kink for him, but is very unpleasant.

he kind of introduced the sub,/dom dynamic to me and I did really like a lot if it at the beginning.

That may be another example of him being pushy. Certainly the 'three holes' bit sounds worse in that case.

if it is me being oversensitive

No, he's trying to pressurize you. I'm in therapy for my ex's sexually coercive behaviour, constantly barraging me with sexual nagging. I felt uncomfortable but felt trapped, as he'd implied (he was a FWB) that if I didn't do stuff he wanted the friendship would end. It is actually making me throw up, thinking of the anxiety/horror of being trapped etc. You will have trauma if you stick around in this relationship.

it's more important to me that other people are happy than if I am.

You need to stop this. It leads us to be easy to manipulate. Being a 'people pleaser' in a relationship, if you mix it with BDSM can lead to a pretty bad dynamic in my recent experience, as the BDSM element intensifies any power imbalance in the relationship. You might well end up doing stuff you don't want to do. Some people play their BDSM in a hardcore way, where the dom is allowed/expected to push boundaries. But I don't think most people would play that way.

I'd work on your people-pleasing and maybe low self esteem. Why does everyone deserve to be put before you? You should be equally important to you as the other in any kind of relationship- as you have a duty to care for yourself.

I won't lie to you though, I'm going to do the work on how to set boundaries and listening to myself and meeting my own needs (as well as others), because something about being a submissive is very appealing to me.

I know most BDSM isn't pathological, but for me I think a lot of wanting a man I could look upto was due to my childhood- my father was weak and I had no respect for him etc. There may be some childhood issue that is leading you to want a relationship where there is an imbalance of power.

There are loads of things you could look into before you do any BDSM.

My personal experience would be, if someone can handle it, this stuff is best if it stays in the bedroom. So, in bed you might want to be treated a certain way, but it doesn't spill over into everyday life or mimic an everyday pattern. I was in a Total Power Exchange (the dom is in control of a lot of the sub's life etc) relationship for a month or so a few years ago. It soon got boring to me to be set tasks or whatever- I was crap at walking in heels, so he wanted me to walk in them in the house for, I think it was 15mins a day. As it was also a long distance relationship, he had very little control of what I did, I didn't say anything I just stopped doing it.

He also ignored my safeword once when beating me.

he didn't show much interest in me at all at times, I have just felt like someone who was there to receive him.

He is a user who is/was trying to sexually pressurize you.

I just walked into a world I didn't know anything about and just assumed he would be good at it and be leading me in the right direction. It could be worse I suppose.

I suggest joining Fetlife, not to pull, just because I think you can learn a lot about BDSM on there. There's also a BDSM wiki which is interesting to read. www.bdsmwiki.info/Main_Page

Join Fetlife IMO, and don't let any man make you come off it. My ex tried to say it was a dating site and so I shouldn't have joined. This was part of his control. I didn't say anything (that's what people pleasers are like, and it can get us in a lot of trouble. But I rightly thought to myself that that's not a dating site, or at least doesn't have to be used as one. It's a way of getting different perspectives. If a bloke tries to control what you read online about BDSM or whatever, or is that jealous, they should be expunged from your life.

Best wishes and tread carefully. xxxxx

[famousforwrongreason]

@baterwaiter

Wouldn’t he also have submissive traits if he has cuckold fantasies? I thought men who liked that are submissive rather than dominant.

You can switch between the two, it could be a cuck fantasy, could also be a control tool for further degradation. The spectrum here is broad!

[SoulofanAggron]

I meant to write You should be equally important to you as the other in any kind of relationship- in fact even more important as you have a duty to care for yourself.

[SoulofanAggron]

Wouldn’t he also have submissive traits if he has cuckold fantasies?

@famousforwrongreason Not if he could play at ordering the sub to shag someone maybe. My ex used to say 'do X to him' 'now to him' etc.

But yes, men usually like the idea of cuckolding if they're a submissive with a small knob.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

@baterwaiter

Wouldn’t he also have submissive traits if he has cuckold fantasies? I thought men who liked that are submissive rather than dominant.

Watching your partner have sex with someone else isn't necessarily a cuckold thing...sometimes it's more a case of "look how many people want my partner" or "look how sexual my partner is". As a Dom, it could be "look, they are so obedient to me that they have sex with others at my whim", although I must stress here that a proper Dom wouldn't be doing that unless it was the sub's desire as well. Sometimes it takes the push of doing it "to please the Dom" because the desire is there, but there's just too much inhibition to overcome without the motivation of submitting to and pleasing the Dom. That's what I mean by it being liberating. You might act out being "forced" or "submitting" but ultimately it's something you do actually want to do. But that's precisely why there has to be trust, discussion and a good connection between you. It goes without saying that the sub can stop it at any point literally with a word.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Meant to add, the notion of being "pushed" by the Dom to do stuff you do actually want to do really applies to basically everything, not just sex with others.

[tarasmalatarocks]

who said romance is dead!! I appreciate some may like sexting but unless you've indicated you enjoy feeling like an object just to be used , then this is well over the top. If you really like him in other ways though I would just tell him you don't like feeling 'used' in that way so can he reign it in please.

[baterwaiter]

Thanks for clearing that up! You live and learn

[famousforwrongreason]

@2bazookas

Tell him you've just found the plughole, and sent him down the sewer where he belongs.

Love it!

[Palavah]

BDSM sounds exhausting! So much second-guessing.

[Requinblanc]

As someone who was part of the BDSM scene for a few years there are a lot of red flags here.

There should always be good communication and trust between a sub and a dom and you should feel comfortable discussing your needs and fantasies and no one should ever push you to do something without your agreement.

There are a lot of men unfortunately who like to think themselves as being 'dominant' in that context but who are just selfish and immature people who take advantage of their submissive and worry only about their own satisfaction.

If something does not feel right to you, then it isn't. Never hesitate to voice your concerns.

A Dom who is not interested in hearing your fantasies/needs/expectation is not a Dom at all. These discussions are essential in BDSM play to make sure that everyone is safe and boundaries are respected.