Teenage girls can do no wrong long

[mrsrat]

I don't know what to do . I've been staying at a friends flat for the last 6 weeks because my partner just doesn't agree with me re our daughters aged 20 and 17. They have never once been punished or gated or had their phones taken off them or pocket money stopped . He gets up cooks their breakfast tidies up goes shopping for their cooked lunch every day comes home from work cooks it tidies up goes back to work comes home cooks supper tidies up then does their homework for them . They don't lift a finger . One called me an attention seeking slut the other day after I spent 9 hours in A&E . The other locked me out when I needed to go to the loo and watched me plead with her to be let in and watched me defecate myself . I was told I must have done something to have upset her . Right...... until 5 years ago is as an alcoholic for 3 years and I was a terrible mother and I know they hate me for this and I hate myself bit I stopped and haven't had a drink for 5 years . Will they ever forgive me ? I don't work but have been trying to get a job for ages but at 57 am a bit on the shelf but did work for my partner until very recently full time

What sort of homework does a 20 year old have?

Have you been sober for the last five years? What does your partner say about the girls' behaviour?

Sorry, i meant to add, what would happen if you walked back into the house and told your daughters to shape up or ship out? If my daughter ever called me a slut or tried to lock me out of my own house, every single thing she owned would be thrown out of the window. Why didnt you call the police when they locked you out?

It sounds like your H has got into the very bad habit of overcompensating. There are a fair few unresolved issues here and the whole family needs family therapy to work through them.

It sounds like you all have some issues to work through. How was your relationship with them when they were little? Also, doing homework for 17 and 20 year olds? I wouldn't know where to start! What homework does a 20 year old have?

There is more than one issue here. Were you around for the girls childhood years? If you were then they were witness to And suffered at the hands of an alcoholic parent. If not then they were effectively abandoned by you for alcohol. Your H/DP seems to have overcompensated for your lack of parenting over the years. He now hasn’t fallen back on that stance even though one is an adult and the other is almost an adult. What they did and said to you was and is unacceptable and I don’t agree with it but they seem to have a lot of emotional baggage to unpack from the years when you weren’t sober. The only thing you could hope for moving forward is some sort of family counseling.

The eldest is doing a fashion foundation and he literally did the whole of her EPQ. I did tell them to shape up and they told me to fuck off. My partner knows I was beaten as a child and he just says what do you want me to do beat them ????? Of course not but make them accountable . My partner was at boarding school from 6 and his mum killed herself on his 16th birthday by driving her car into a brick wall so lots of issues but they all refuse to come to family therapy saying there's nothing wrong with them just me . Think I'm fighting a losing battle

I'm very sorry, OP, they all sound very messed up and pretty foul, but I still don't understand why you don't take back some control of your own life. If they won't go to family therapy, can you go for therapy on your own?

When they told you to fuck off, what did you do? Whats stopping you throwing all their makeup and electronics out of the window?

I don't think you can do anything OP. They're both of an age where parental influence or lack of, is firmly ingrained. Let them get on with it and make a life for yourself.
Check out live-in jobs in the hospitality sector. Check out housekeeper type jobs with agencies.
Put together a cv, sort out a benefits claim and think about getting a rental property.
Or, move to an area you've always liked and make a totally new life for yourself.

I'd leave them all to it me. It's too late now OP.

Maybe see a solicitor and start the divorce ball rolling.

I agree with pp, OP, this is beyond fixing. Leave them all to it. Make a different and better life for yourself. If you've done a recovery programme you must have worked through accepting that there are things beyond your control and whether others will forgive you is one of them. Are you in contact with other recovering alcoholics? Have you sought their support on dealing with this?

You can do this, you need a fresh start. I agree look for housekeeper/nanny type jobs, many families trust an older woman far more, ive seen live in caretaker roles with the national trust too in the past. Some churches have live in caretakers too (we do) and would be understanding re addiction I suspect.

Step away.
Plan your own life. Seriously. You have no power to change this.

Don't need to see a solicitor we have absolutely nothing . Rented house. Business gone to pot over civil. Don't even have a car. I came into the relationships with a lot of money and successful business and flat in London and now this .
I'm not allowed to drive my 20 year old daughters brand new car (she's had it for a year and has driven it once as she does want to learn to drive ) so I have to go and ask for a lift or catch a bus . They won't put me on the insurance. I don't need to write any more . It's utterly bonkers .

I've got an idea for a little lifestyle business and have 40 potentials customers lined up and ready to go after self distancing guidelines lifted. When to find out about universal credit yesterday and I'm going to get through this . I've got to let it go . Thank you everyone for your replies

Given that you moved out 6 weeks ago, the relationship is already over. Concentrate on getting yourself set up independently and start looking for your own accommodation. Get yourself off the tenancy and get yourself employed if at all possible.
You need to move on from the alcoholism and the years of destruction it wrought in your family, and so do they. It’s extremely hard, but you do have to go it alone. They are clearly too damaged by the experience to trust you, and aren’t willing to attend therapy. (And that is fine. Growing up with an alcoholic mother affects your life entire life and it never really goes away.) You have to concentrate on your life, and responsibility for your own needs (food, roof, income, sobriety). That is often such a hard task that recovering alcoholics can’t cope with the ordinary relationship stresses. I know a number of people who ‘have’ to live alone - it’s essentially a selfish disease that doesn’t leave much room for others, even in recovery.
The answer to ‘when’ to sort this out is now. Time to get on with the rest of your life. Once you are stable and independent, you may find the kids will be able to start to form some sort of relationship with you.
It’s hard recovering from such a damaged place for everyone, but distance does help.

OP, you posted about this a few weeks ago. My advice to you is to stay away, but leave the door open for your children to come to you, be gentle on yourself. Let your partner look after them for now.

Have a good weekend.

Thank you so so much to all who replied . Very good advice from all . I had forgotten I'd posted before my mind is so full of angst and guilt I don't think I'm mentally right at the moment but will take everything in Baird and try and move on and hope one day they can forgive me