How to get a six year old to open up when being with my ex?

[sydney665]

Hi
Unsure where to go for advice on this, as my six year old refuses to discuss anything with me when she returns from her mothers (my ex wife) for the weekend ( I am her biological mother) my approach is calm and non judgmental towards my ex - even though she is extremely controlling in every way.
I want to ensure my daughter is happy and safe in her company but she does not to open up - any advice would be most grateful - thank you.

Is it possible she is protecting you from the nasty things her other mother says about you?

I would just tell her you are 'here for you if you ever need to talk. You don't ever have keep secrets from me if they are hurting you. THAT would make me sad. Remember, adults make mistakes sometimes, just like children. But I love you and you know you can always ask to me'.

Open up, as in tell you what her and your ex have being doing ?

*talk to me

Do you have any reason to think that your Dd is not happy and safe with her mother ?

What kind of information are you looking for ?

What details do you give your ex about what you DD Does when she is at yours ?

Do you think she is being harmed at your ex's place? Are you perhaps trying to be a bit controlling by needing to know what she gets up to at her parent's home?

I divorced my ex due to her being controlling, my fear is for her to start to control my daughter.
I have moved on in life, as she has also, I simply want my daughter to be happy in her presence but if she does not want to talk when she returns from her house I worry as to what is occurring.

You're the birth mother right? What rights does this other woman have? (Did she adopt your baby?).

If I thought my ex was a narcissist or a risk in some way to my child in this scenario I'd literally just deny her contact. Or up and move far away. While your kid is still young. And before the damage this woman did to you, is also done to the child.

Unless you have reason to believe your child isn't safe with the other parent then I really wouldn't worry about getting her to open up.. her time with each parent is essentially private.

Unless you have reasons to believe something isn't quite right when she's there, it's none of your business what she gets up to with her other parent.

Sorry none of your business sounds rude. What I mean to say is it's personal between them two, and if your daughter wants to talk to you about it she will. If not leave her be.

My children won't talk about school after it's over.

What did you have for lunch>

Dunno

What did you in maths?

dunno

A six year old isn't mentally tallying what they got up to and unless you are concerned about her welfare I really don't think you should push this as it's up to her what she does with her mother.

Did you find her to not be a good parent? A controlling partner doesn't necessarily mean controlling parent as the definition of parent and the things you do as a parent would come under "controlling" if one was a partner iyswim.

Children often don't want to 'open up'. How many times have parents asked their small child what they did at school today and the child has said, "Nothing", or "I don't know".

Whatever you do, don't question her. I'm sure she trusts you enough to confide if there are any problems. Just be nice and casual about it all.

I remember my mum asking me questions about everything and I never knew what to say to her; in the end I would make something up :-).

She has probably been told by the other mother not to say anything which puts your dd in a horrible situation and is emotionally abusive. Sadly you will be told you have no right to know or if you ask child services they will say you are anxious or similar. Unfortunately if she is being controlled or emotionally abused by your ex you can't record her opening up to you even if she did as that would be seen as wrong on your part and they will get away with it anyway. Hopefully as she gets older she will tell you.

Does your daughter seem happy to visit your ex wife? My ex was (still is) controlling and a narcacisst but he has parental responsibility so there's not a lot I can do. My daughter has never told me much about what she does there. Sometimes she drops little things in about where they've been etc. But she's not forthcoming. I don't know why perhaps she likes to keep is separate. But she's happy to go there and he's her father. So I just accept it.

It's quite normal for a child this age to have trouble creating a narrative of what they did over the last x number of days.

Is she actually saying to you that she won't tell you what she did at ex house? Or is saying "dunno", etc.

"It's quite normal for a child this age to have trouble creating a narrative of what they did over the last x number of days.

Is she actually saying to you that she won't tell you what she did at ex house? Or is saying "dunno", etc."

This. The fact that she doesn't tell you about her time there doesn't really mean anything in itself. Unless you have real reason to believe that she is unhappy or unsafe with your ex-wife (in particular, reluctant to go or distressed when she comes back), then I would let it go.

My 9 year old DD never talks about time at her Dads. He’s a good Dad. He loves her. I’m sure he looks after her. If I ask him he will tell me what they’ve been up to. DD just can’t be bothered to recount stuff I think.

As long as your daughter doesn't display any negative behaviour after a visit, then you need to let go. It could be seen as being nosey - an understandable reaction but one you need to overcome. If she's bothered she'll tell you.

At 6 i would be worried that she isn't talking about it at all.

You could try to find one single thing that was tagged in her memory and start to talk around it. You can say talk about other people being in the sort of situation you are worried she is in and say "if you ever felt like that you know you could tell me." You could also be direct about your worries in a child appropriate way. You could also talk more generally, ask lots of easy questions such as favourite cuddly toy (bad example but you know what i mean) so that she get used to giving you her opinion about things.

I am surprised at people here saying 6 year olds don't open up. With school things I'd get a fair amount of info though not always consistent. I'd find asking questions about what other kids did by name would start my dc talking about things generally.

Also I think that if a partner is "controlling" sufficiently to cause the end a relationship means it is like that they will be controlling in other relationships too including relationships with children. Not for certain but generally the way people behave in relationships is the way they behave - someone who is respectful is respectful to everyone, someone who is abusive is going to be abusive in other relationships.

likely that