I don't know if this would be okay or not

[burfdaysuit]

It's my birthday next week. My four friends and I usually stick £20 each in for each birthday gift.

We never discuss with the recipient before-hand. The last birthday, a few months back, we just transferred her the cash as she is so hard to buy for and can afford whatever she wants.

I think since we're now in lockdown, my friends will do the same for me. If so, do you think it would be okay to ask them if I can donate the money to our local food bank. Or is that a bit ungrateful, pushing my views, using their money, kind of thing?

If they asked me before-hand, I could explain that as we live in a pretty deprived area and I'm really lucky to still be working, and actually saving money pretty well just now, (I'm saving to buy a house), it doesn't really feel right taking gifts/money when I don't need them, yet others must be struggling so much. But we don't usually discuss.

I don't want to offend my friends at all. Would you be offended if a friend asked you this? Or do I donate the money and tell a white lie that I bought perfume with it or something? Is that worse?!

Thanks.

I personally wouldn’t be offended if a friend asked me to do that but if you think they will be take the money, thank them and then donate it yourself.

Well , it's a nice idea but I would want my gift to go to my friend and for her to buy whatever it is she wanted, and if she wanted it to go to a local food bank then she could do that.

What I would be worried about is "setting a precedent". The next person to have a birthday would perhaps feel some internal pressure to do the same and have their birthday money donated to a charity?

You know your friends best and can judge, do you think this might become an issue?

Why don’t you get the money and donate it yourself they don’t need to know it’s ur money X

Yeah if they send you money you can always donate it yourself without saying anything, there’s no risk of anyone having an issue with it then.

@SerendipityIfOnly That crossed my mind. The next birthday is September and I was kind of thinking that lockdown will have eased a bit so it wont be such an obvious issue of getting of getting an actual gift, plus hopefully some people might be back working, etc. so that the contrast doesn't seem quite so stark. Fingers crossed. But still a possibility of what you say, right enough.

It almost sounds a bit cheeky, like why not donate your own money rather than donate theirs? And like a pp said, will it then make the others feel like they look bad for keeping the money for themselves on their birthdays?

I wouldn't, I don't think. Just donate your own money. They might even feel that they could do with having the money but were willing to give to you because they love u but wouldn't choose to give it to a foodbank.

If it's going to be different and you are going to go back to buying presents ...You could frame it under something like " this year I'm giving myself the gift of appreciation" ...cheesy I know!

It's a lovely idea and you are kind to have it .

@Ohhaipete because I'm trying to save myself. I do donate to the food bank when I'm shopping, when I remember. But they have it after the checkout which means I often forget to pick up extras

I think I will set up a small monthly SO to the foodbank and buy something nice from my friends. That way there's no awkwardness and I'll know I'm making a donation every month, but not paying out a big chunk at once. And it won't matter if I forget the extra shopping.

I’d also say keep what you do with the money private, it’s very admirable, but being in a difficult position myself, as in, I do use food banks, I also feel the pressure to spend money I don’t have on things like birthdays....so, if I were your friend, it would effect my life to give you £20, right now, £20 is a huge amount for me, so i would struggle knowing I’d sacrificed to give it to you and you had given it to help others, when in fact - it would have helped me to not have given you it? I don’t know if that makes sense!!

It absolutely makes sense @Namechangex10000

I hope your situation improves really soon.

Have any of your friends lost their jobs or been otherwise financially affected by the virus? In which case it would be kind to ask them not to give you anything and to save it for a time when everyone is back to normal and can spend it on a group lunch instead.

@DianaT1969 thankfully not. One has been furloughed on full pay, but expecting to be taken back over the next month or so.

That's a nice idea, you just have to be so careful with money because people can have such different expectations and thoughts around it.

I know your