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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tapas for my 40th.. Am I asking for the moon on a stick?

21 replies

MumToBe1980 · 09/06/2020 21:22

It is my 40th birthday next and as we are in lockdown are limited what we can do. I suggested to my oh picking up tapas from a restaurant about 20 mins from us, his response 'what you want to drive 20 mins to pick up tapas', like I was asking for a helicopter ride over the grand canyon! This has really annoyed me, we have 2 small children I am bf so can't really drink so just wanylted some nice food and chilled out day. AiBU to be angry at this? Maybe I'm over_reacting but really am I asking too much. This has got me thinking over our whole relationship, we have been together for 15 years, and literally if I could have my life again I would not be with him. Maybe it's turning 40 that's affecting me more than I thought, sorry for ranting.. X

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 09/06/2020 21:27

You're not asking too much. A good man would drive MILES to get his bf'ing partner her favourite food for her birthday. 20 minutes is nothing! Is he a thoughtless pig in other ways, too?

GingerBeverage · 09/06/2020 21:30

I get it OP. I had to order my own birthday cake because I just knew...
It's a gross generalisation but from talking to people it seems as if about half of men see absolutely no point in celebrating other people's birthdays (or mother's day etc).

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/06/2020 22:10

Bloody hell for a milestone birthday he csnt be arsed to spend an hour of his time getting a little treat for you? I don't really do birthdays but even I think that's rubbish, when a lot of people get surprise parties / trips away / expensive presents!

SarahMcDonald · 09/06/2020 22:13

If you don’t want to be with him then plan how to get out.

It’s not about your birthday is it ? Is he a selfish arse a lot of the time ?

Mum2jenny · 09/06/2020 22:16

Do they deliver? Or can you send a taxi to collect it for you and insist your dh pays for it?

Mum2jenny · 09/06/2020 22:18

If you live near me, I’d get it for you

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 22:24

No your not, 40 is major- it should be an awesome day! Have a great time- and you can always do something else for your Official 40th later in the year if need be (you have an excuse to do something twice now.) Smile

Your OH should be doing everything possible to make it a fantastic day. xxx

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 09/06/2020 23:20

I did a massive favour for my xh, it wasn't birthing and breastfeeding his child, but close, and to thank me he picked me up one of those granola yoghurt pots from the reduced section. I'm now singleGrin

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 09/06/2020 23:20

Fucking hell, we still joke about the time, when I was PG that I wanted to send DH to pick up a takeaway from my favourite restaurant in Dundee. We had lived there previously, but were living in the West Midlands at the time.

He offered to go several times, but I managed to beat the craving with other things. I’d say that is normal. Refusing to drive 20 mins. What a wazzock.

EKGEMS · 09/06/2020 23:31

What a giant asshole

JustKittenAround · 10/06/2020 00:13

Fine. He doesn’t have to do it for your 40th. He can go ahead and do it for Saturday night dinner... you’ll expect even better for your birthday.

And here you were making it easy for him to do what you’d like.... so many WISH their partners made it so clear and easy.

melanie29 · 10/06/2020 00:45

YANBU OP.
I hope he's apologised and will be getting the Tapas. It's your birthday, you can have whatever meal you want.
Good luck

Original poster
MumToBe1980 · 10/06/2020 06:51

He's back tracking now, saying that he'd only just woke up so a bad time to speak however that was after a lie in till 09:30 so hardly the 6am wake up call I get. He can be good in lots of ways, will get up with kids so I can have a lie in and will clean /cook etc however crappy in other ways, ie mothers day saying well 'your not my mother' so why do I buy for you. I tried to break up with him many times, when we were younger but he wore me down and I ended up back with him even though I knew I didn't love him. The problem is that my children are my world and I would not trust him to look after them without me, he is slap dash in his approach, e. G. Put window locks on our windows as they are low but didn't bother with one window because it has blinds even though our boy can open them. But can also be a great dad, my son adores him. I suppose I'm wondering if him being a selfish person is enough to break up a family, as we do have good times too. I'm pretty sure there are much worse husband's and dad's out there. I am going to have a socially distanced afternoon tea with my mum and sisters I think, we have massive garden so easy to keep distance, he can go to his mums for a few hours!

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 10/06/2020 11:09

He’s not putting in much effort. My dh drives 20mins to pick up my favourite dumplings as a treat occasionally

Flyg · 10/06/2020 11:19

He sounds mean and tight and you are not unreasonable to be pissed off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2020 11:23

Happy 40th birthday for next weekFlowers.

I would think you would have bought tapas for him readily if he wanted them. This behaviour from him has also highlighted how poorly you are treated.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment, just as you have done here. They write that often because they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. He is neither a good dad nor any sort of a decent partner to you if you are treated with such overall disdain. The good times you likely have now are probably because you all walk on eggshells and otherwise behave on his terms.

Do not keep on teaching your children that a loveless and a shit beneath the surface relationship like you are describing here could become their norm too. Staying for the kids is a very bad idea indeed, it teaches them that a loving relationship is not their birthright. Whose sake too would you be staying for if you did stay; I would argue not theirs but yours. It would not be easier for you to stay at all and besides which you also write that you do not love him. He wore you down so much you ended up staying with him!.

"he problem is that my children are my world and I would not trust him to look after them without me, he is slap dash in his approach"

Do not use this as a reason to stay with him either; its also a poor reason to remain with him. Do you think too that such a man would be at all bothered with his children post separation if he can't really be asked to look after their wellbeing now?. I would get him to see them at a contact centre and formalise all access through the courts, no informal arrangement.

BlingLoving · 10/06/2020 11:46

Oh OP, this is really very sad. I can't imagine a situation where I have a big birthday and DH didn't pull out all the stops in lockdown. It just wouldn't happen. In fact, DH isn't massive tapas fan but for my birthday a year or two ago I really wanted to go to our local spanish restaurant and of course that's where we went. Because it was MY birthday and he wanted me to be happy.

I can't tell you if you should stay with him or not, but it's hard to see what you're getting out of this relationship. And as for the kids - if he's this slapdash it seems unlikely he'll actually put up much of a fight to have them much. He might start out super enthusiastic until he realises how much work is involved.

riverbat · 10/06/2020 13:38

Just an aside- it's ok to drink when breastfeeding, it's just not ok to look after a baby/child whilst drunk. Milk is made from your blood and can be no more alcoholic than your blood is. A blood alcohol level of 0.1% = drunk

hellsbellsmelons · 10/06/2020 13:51

this keeps popping up on fb page
No idea where they are but there are lots of catering / restaurants delivering Tapas.
This one needs orders by end of the day today for this weekend.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 10/06/2020 18:21

I would not trust him to look after them without me, he is slap dash in his approach

So what definition are you using of ‘good dad‘ because that looks like a pretty fair definition of a shit one tbh.

Original poster
MumToBe1980 · 28/06/2020 21:19

Hi again, thanks for all your comments, my birthday was lovely, had a socially distant catch up with some close family and best friends. Have decided to get abit more assertive with the oh, but in all honesty if we didn't have children I'd be looking for a divorce. Unfortunately I really don't want to leave him while the children are do small, he literally looked after our baby girl for half an hour and ended up letting her slip under the water in the paddling pool and bang her head on the slide, I dread to think what would happen if he had them overnight without me. So the plan is to try and get on, be abit more assertive and do as I please. Its funny how your comments have just told me what I already knew about him but pushed to the back of my mind. X

OP posts:
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